Don't let go

All I'm takin' is your time. Help me make it through the night.
I don't care what's right or wrong, I won't try to understand.
Let the devil take tomorrow Lord tonight I need a friend.
Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow's out of sight
And it's sad to be alone. Help me make it through the night

"Don't let go."

Fragments of places yet to see and planes of worlds undiscovered passed me by. I was falling through the distances, through the fire and brimstone, through the emptiness and smoke. The light was blinding and almost as painful as the first ragged gasp for air. While I tried to open my eyes, there was a solid lock of fingers that took mine. "Mezoo, can you hear me?" It had been a long journey and for what felt like another eternity than the one I had been gone, I lay still taking in where I was. It was a strange place but the familiar faces gave me ease. Mother was brushing her fingers through my hair in that loving way that she always has. Grandmother's worry easing from her brow as she watched me stir. She rose quietly to step outside, perhaps to offer her prayers of thanksgiving. Yes, I hear them all.

This was not Huu's wagon was it? Why had I felt so sure I would awaken in our family healer's wagon? Instead it was Ongel's and He was asking if I wanted to try and drink some water to help clear my head. There was a comfort in the fact that he was there. In the few times I had met him there had been an ease to our banter .. no pressure to be anything more than a friend to talk to. That first sound through the scorched vocal chords was alien to me. Rasping, dry as I tried to say yes but couldn't. He helped me sit up and a fit of wracking coughs took what little breath I had away again. Even the water the girl held for me hurt to try and swallow. I needed to confirm my surroundings because I didn't trust what I saw. Was I where I was supposed to be .. was I in my own world or still some playground of another Haruspex imaginations? "I am in your healer's wagon?"

His confirmation put a few of the questions I had aside but still left so much unanswered. Smoke inhalation ... brought with the others ... the children. "It is confusing but I remember ..." No, not really, I didn't. For the first time in a very long time I felt the vulnerability of being only seventeen turnings. He brushed my hair back behind my ear. A delicate touch before his fingers traced along my jawline and it gave me a feel of being grounded. No longer lost in a place that wasn't ... tangible. Mother's voice sifted through the wagon. It has always been so quiet, so sweet. "He has been here since you were brought to him, Meechin. He has been kind enough to let us stay with you." I was beginning to know I had returned when my instant thought was that Grandmother would not have had it otherwise but would have appreciated there not being a battle to wage. The Healer though worn thread bare by sheer will did not look worse for the wear of a cane against his shins nor his temple. At least none that I could see.

"You have not rested Ongel?" No one among the harigga had from what I found later .. none but me it seemed. There was an off handed promise he would soon. There was so much .. so many .. an echo in his words spoken by every Tuchuk that had faced the fires and still breathed. Still breathed ... the imagery threatening to emerge from the depths.

"How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?" The distraction brought an instant relief. I heard the sound of him clearing his throat. I wanted that, to experience just what he was doing. I wanted this ache I felt in mine to go away, to be able to clear the pathway and be able to take in more air I wanted to breathe. My fingers touched where his had been. "My throat, my chest .. just tired."

That croaked sound .. the frog in the marsh, was my own voice. "I will help care for .." The journey I could explain to no one still lingered, still held its lull on me. I could feel the mists hold and I was still struggling to break free of it with the same stubborn Tuchuk pride that I was blamed for having not so long ago.. "I will help." I noticed the cold. The feel of his fingers on my chest was like a bath of ice on my skin. I was flaming Hot. Hotter than a fever to the touch. I couldn't help the shiver and he dropped his hands away quickly. I heard him telling me about the orphaned sisters .. He tried to bargain with the daemoness that if it would keep her within the confines of the wagon and resting for a few days .. he would bring them over to keep me company. I am not one to be quick with an answer so I let the cool feel of his fingertips soothe before I countered. ... "close .. how about close to the wagons?" My fear of closed spaces was finding an out even if I was not in the frame of mind to do so for myself. He agreed, close it would be, as long as I did not to go far nor allow myself to get winded. A promise that was going to be broken on all accounts the very next day I am afraid.

He sent his slave for some food hoping that I would eat. There was a unison voice .. Mother and daughter alike that he would eat too. It amused me so much that I laughed or had tried to. The volley of gasping coughs rendered me silent once more and I reached for his hand when the world began to grow dark again. How could I tell them how frightened I was to return to that place and even now its tug was strong. Don't let go, Mezoo. Don't let go. Mother told him I could cook. He could join us in our meals and was welcome to come check on me when he felt the need. Was she match making? Was she trying to get a rise out of me.. make me fight back? I didn't argue .. even if I had the voice, the strength, the will to .. I didn't argue even when the fire from my lungs rose to spread over my cheeks. It matched the hue on his, so all was well wasn't it?

It was time to know what lay beyond the wagon flaps. I felt the vastness inside but needed to hear it spoken. "Are there so many injured?" He braced as he tried to tell me with words what I had glimpses of already. His exhale spoke volumes as did the squaring back of his shoulders. "Yes." Was that enough of an answer at a time like this? I told them I'd seen those we lost and left it there. He had lost four wagons and I would find out later Grandmother had lost two and Mother one but my own had survived even with their meager belongings inside intact. It didn't seem fair to me and I felt embarrassed because of my own good fortunes.

The conversations were kept light for the most part after that. We spoke of our families, each with the bittersweet of losses. A little of how he became a healer and the importance it held for him. He has a giving heart and I find that admirable even more so from a fierce Tuchuk warrior. I couldn't find the name of the woman he asked about in my memory but somehow I felt a want to. The query would be taken with me when I spoke to Grandmother, to see if she remembered her or her Mother. In return I shared the confidence that when my Father left on a Ubar's mission my whole world had changed. It had been two envars now but the ache was still fresh inside. I finally managed with Mother's help to be able to sit up against a brace of furs and without one of those major coughing spells. He helped her rub away some of the build up mists that had gathered in my lungs and I would not be truthful if I said their attentions were not welcomed. I even manged to get a little bit of fruit down. Like others the smell of roasted meat was going to be an aversion for a while. For me it was not that it was so vile a notion as it lacked a sweetness that still permeated every breath I tried to take.

Somewhere along the eve I asked if I was going to live an ahn or two longer. I could hope for more longevity than that but considering the past hand, I would accept what I was offered. Even Mother smiled as he said I might last more than a few ahns, even a few hands or seasons. I might just make it until I was nice and old and had many children running around all over the place. So far into the future that I might wish for just an ahn or two of rest and thinking back wistfully to a moment or two when I was a young girl just laying in the furs with nothing to do but listen to some warrior. It held faith and it held hope and those were all the words my family had been waiting to hear. I myself held tighter to those words than I had his hand and that had become a vice grip and a constant. Through the entire night if I did not reach for his then he had reached for mine.

He told me too that Ayguili had come to see me while I was out of it. I wish I had been able to know. I wish I had been awake to feel his hand in mine and to touch his cheeks and somehow tell him everything was going to be alright. I wasn't there for him in his hardest moments .. not the losses among the Tribe .. not the loss of his brother. There was a pain that came from a different place in my chest that I didn't want to talk about. That was going to take a long time before any would be able to reach inside and I open to reveal those emotions. I turned my cheek into the fur and just watched his slave serve Mother.

Changing the subject I told Ongel as I had once before, he was a skilled healer. He gave credit to his Father for passing down his charm. The amusement made me smile and it cracked its way across my face as if I were a statue crumbling away a veneer. Here I thought I was the Haruspex and he was talking of magic. Sitting up with Mother's help, she aided me in looking over the healer's wounds. We were both grateful I think that the majority were superficial and most would scab quickly. There had been that moment when I was close enough to feel his breath against my cheek, to know the warmth of his face. I had wished in that one length of time to know what his lips tasted like and it sat me back rather quickly. He took my hand in his and turned my palm where the dark circle in its center was visible. I almost drew it back, almost curled my fingers into my palm, to protect it. It was something I kept hidden, kept as my own remembrance. One day I would tell him of the scar I carried but not this night. His gaze never left mine as he pressed a kiss there then lowered it back to me. He told me thank you and I was about to ask him why when Mother cleared her throat and told us it was perhaps time to let me rest so that I did not overdo. The healer made his farewells with promise to stop in among our wagons soon. I didn't want him to go and asked Mother if he could stay. She holds wisdom in few words and left the gentleness of her gaze give the answer. I was so exhausted even from just sitting up I didn't try to argue.

Grandmother joined us moments later and there in the strangeness of someone else's canvas we gave in to the bond that held us close. They were safe. They were here. They had needed me to be alright and I needed them to be. I felt loved and felt the tenderness of being able to love and it simply be accepted. I felt no pressure to be anything but the woman I was .. just Mezoo and it was ok. We all felt that way I think. The remainder of that night, through the ahns we would reach out and catch a hand and hold on dearly. Three generations of strong women who held to the others in a way that said we were never going to let go.

Of many dimensions on a cosmic kaissa board.

The dark witch had waited for the perfect moment, for distractions of epic proportions while she set up the game. To say I had underestimated my adversary would be vast understatement. I cannot say I did not know her capabilities. I did and had eased my guard around her anyway. She had chosen well though had she not? This opponent she offered to me now? He felt familiar as if we had known each other always. Someone I had shared my deepest secrets. Someone I had lain my greatest faiths and fervent trusts. All wrapped up in a vulnerable little package. I remember you. She knew my weakness. Studied it. Savored it well and now made it to her advantage. Always to her advantage wasn't it?

Glimpses through the bright white mists. His mouth as it oozed pretty petals, raining them as a blanket to fall in to. Safe so safe. Casually tossed away. Sweet sweet Mezoo. Danger flashed in lightning bolts. Come ride the thunder. Surf the waves. The shadows whispered. To be or not to be .. wrenching a fist in the pit of my stomach. The past is the past .. look to the future. What pretty eyes you have. I waited for the raven but he never came and all the while checkered parquets slid beneath my feet. All the better to see through you.

Your move. My fingers itched to clasp about his throat. To feel it tighten until there was no margin for air to escape .. yes pretty .. so pretty to watch them bulge. I studied the board already in play ... shifting, tilting, swirling in a spin. The dimensions scampering out of the light. The ground crumbled cascading over the edge. I felt the ledge beneath my feet shattering.. Fallen pieces piled to the side, some I recognized among the huddle, some I had never seen before. An Eye for an Eye then keep them in a jar. You have already taken many from the board.

They were of unimportance. Why do you care? As he removed the knave of swords to toss casually amid the rest, it was the illumination of his eyes that held my attention. Did you never know? His glance up to find me was ever so nonchalant. Puppet Master and his gambit moves. I wanted my voice to splinter through his veins and crystalize there like ice, to let the meanings echo across the realm ... Why do you not? Pawn for pawn. You care for them little Mezoo, how touching. I do not care what others feel. Ubara's Yearkeeper to Beast Keepers flank. A wagers face calm and cool I gave him while quietly extricating the strings.

Knave of hearts now protected in the shadow of the Wagon Master. I felt myself breathe. We are even then .. a happiness for a happiness ... yes? I felt the smirk I could not see. She was there ... there beyond the fringe. I could almost feel her wringing her hands with her hunger. She would feast upon the scavengings. Yet I hid my own while I awaited his next move. One I knew was coming even before the Or of Cups slid into place. Then the heir is now mine. I will have him at last. A question, not a question but an answer and a hope.

I let my fingertip rest lightly atop the remaining piece. That long standing rule applied, until it was removed I could linger and linger I did.

You forfeited that when you took the first piece. I felt her fury begin to burn into the farthest reaches of other worlds. I knew there would be vengeance sought on innocents that would never understand their plights and there was nothing I could do. Did you never feel? One more counter he could offer .. then another will take his place. Of course .. yes of course, I offered as I began to rise from the game. You were the predator. I was the prey. There was calculated enjoyment in laying the Ubara down onto the board and turning to walk away.

It was not his but her shriek that shook the cosmos: shifting it, swirling it. Setting it to a spin. The dimensions scampering out of the light. The ground crumbled cascading over the edge. I felt the ground beneath my feet shattering and I tried to catch all of the important things.

Another voice came raining down within the shards. I will destroy you .. do you hear me?? I will destroy you!

My own laughter raced past me while I was falling ... Perhaps it will be so but it will not be today, old woman. Send another .. stronger .. better and then we will see.

Smoke gets in your eyes

Shouldn’t it be that easy
To just be happy for awhile
Get lost in a moment
Wasting time trading smiles

Guilt. I had been unable to stop the fire, to keep it from its devastation. No one could and yet I felt the weight of it personally. I would not return until I had some how, some way made amends for having failed my family and their families and theirs.

I don't remember the part of me they carried away. I only remember the part of me that remained behind. The one that walked to the wagons where the bodies had been stacked, charred, sizzling, crumbling to ash. Taking them by the hand, one by one and walking across the razed ground to the other side. For some we spoke of the things they left undone. Some it was merely silence .. but we walked on. There were a few that shared their most precious memories .. a vision they took with them of their bare breasted mates lit by the an afternoon sun. Or a glimpse at the first moment they set eyes on their son and all the love they held still shimmering in eyes that could no longer shed tears. That moment of victory that pounded their pulse in the hearts ... the adrenaline rush after they knew .. knew they had escaped certain death. It wasn't like this .. it wasn't suppose to be like this. Enosh ... Rasce ... Orahjinn ... too many more to name .. we walked through the mists sometimes calling for those yet to be found. We walked this journey with them over and over until the spirits found their way to the sky.

Silk brought me many and for a moment I watched as she started to step into the between. Could she hear the reassurance I whispered. "Its ok, we will see to them. Return. You are needed where you are." How grateful, how relieved that she has Ash, that he held her ... there. He kept her .. from being .. here.

The face of Ongel loomed before me more times than I wished I could forget. I watched for a moment as he paused to wipe his forehead and find some sense of strength to carry on. I wanted to wipe away the crease that had begun to form on his brow ... to wipe away the sorrow that was building inside of him.

Kaeli, Huu, Daramis .. all of them. The Physicians. The healers that felt they could lend little healing to the vastness of what had happened and still they tried ... how determined ... how dedicated they were to our people to continue to bring them .. to bring them all. Hundreds. Thousands. I watched as one of them stepped over to help with the walk, unable to do more on one side, he came to help upon the other. Mother's brought their children. Men brought their mates. Sons ... Fathers ...

Ayguili carried his comrades, infants and frail elders and I reached out for a moment wanting to give him strength to carry on. Never will I forget that far away emptiness in his eyes. A moment I knew and understood we had different purposes for our lives. Different realms. He turned without ever seeing me there .. right there in front of him. It was as it should be .. there was much to do. How selfish I was for not wanting to see all the faces that were not brought to me. What joy that his most of all ... was only a shadow in the distance.

The warriors continued to fill furs to mass capacity, until the corpses began to topple and a new fur had to be lain out to hold more. Too many furs. Too many wagons. Too many ... too many.

Days with no end.

Nights without ceasing.

It was Ollie that brought the last one to me. I expected him to leave the small body on the wagons amidst the others but he didn't. He walked through the lingering smoke to bring a boy to me. There in his arms lay the Ubar of Pebbles ... The commander of the Lizards. He held First Son of Nahal. I felt my heart sink and tears try to form in a place there was no mortal coil to weep from. We walked together the distance between the scorch of the plains to the place we all seek in our lifetimes. We talked quietly.

Of honor.

Of courage.

Of love. Of all the things that are held dearest among the Tuchuk. Of all the wonders that living had to offer. I walked with him longest. I walked with him furthest. He spoke of the heights of the clouds and the beauty of the rivers and as he and the boy both began to fade into the wisps ... The Ubar's Guard reached for my hand.

My fingers began to slip within his as I felt myself letting go. He said, "You have to trust me. Remember, ...

A ripple in time

I cannot explain the loathe I feel in trying to impart this part of the story of our people. The taste that it leaves in the back of my throat, on the tip of my tongue ... heinous..

I don't remember. I cant remember. I don't want to. It was like I was not there. I was but I wasn't. It is an all consuming horror etched so deep into my mind that it wiped itself away.

I remember riding with some of the children and how happy we seemed to be for such a short time. We were chasing a lizard or we were trying to catch up with it as it bolted across the ground in a panic to escape. We were trying to outrun it. But we didn't.

I remember the trickle of brilliant red that raced across a dry branch. How pretty it was. Sparkling, glinting gleaming with a hunger to propagate. Was I the one that created it? Was I trying to help put it out?

Much of what I know has been filled in for me .. told to me by others so that I have ... something ... to put into the blank. They have been cautious as to how much they share but I can feel the volume of what they do not say, burgeoning on the inside of them.

I remember turning to find one of the boys. He was lost somewhere in the boil of smoke that was approaching. Approaching too fast. I searched and searched straining to see through the delicate vapors and then I found him. He was dancing in the midst of those beautiful crimsons and ambers. The melody of roaring thunder moved his feet and his arms as if he were suspended from dainty little wires that the sky held to puppet him with. I heard his song fill the wind. It was a sound that filled my ears and wrenched the contents from my belly. I tried to run inside to bring him out but just as I reached out my hand ...

I inhaled him ..

the essence of him

and he vanished.

The sight, the scent, the smoke, the thickness of the air ... the darkness began to swallow me whole.

~*~ OOC : Thank you to all that kept the character part of the events.

Baby, I got your lizard!

Life.

Living.

It had been a wonderful day of just that. Being Tuchuk.

Laughter.

Such a blessing. There is nothing greater than the sounds of children laughing. It has a contagious quality to it that returns us to the mystical places of our early years. Noya, I am afraid was the instigator in the how the day came about. She had spread out hides glistening in the hot summer sun and poured oil all over them. The nakedness of youngsters is a beautiful thing, They carry no shame, no modesty that shields them from the world around them. Unclad heroes and heroines and an oil slick run is simply a mixture meant for amusement. It was grand watching them line up one after another for their turn to run and dive hands first, belly next down the glide of pelts.

Squeals.

Peals of giggles.

A bounce or two.

Rub in the mud.

Return to the line.

I took my turn at catching a few of them at the bottom until I was covered in oil myself, sides hurting and having a glorious time. I could not stop laughing even when a few paga induced brave warriors took their turns. I think there are many such stories that begin with a plainsman's yell and a bellow of "Watch this!"

We watched.

We winced.

We went running to see how bad the damage was. Paga is a magical elixir that makes some impervious to pain, adds bounce ... ability and acts like a shock absorber for all those .. oh dung .. did you see that? Much of that was going to hurt tomorrow but for now the men were having as much fun as the children. It was hard at times to tell which was which to be honest except for the fact that some of the 'boys' were over six foot tall and had heavily scarred cheeks.

Come on Mezoo .. your turn!

Um .. no. No really thank you but .. nooooo.

All that said as I held my hands against my ribs and filtered it through snorts and snickers that could not be helped.

The heat finally drove us to find shade and while we tried wiping some of the mud off the half pints while not disturbing the protective coating of grease, I came up with a new game. It was time to find pebbles. The one that gathered the most pebbles could ... I am not a fast thinker and this was on the snap .. er .. well .. lemme think ..

Yes!

The one that gathered the most pebbles could paint my wagon. There was just one catch to it .. they had to tuck the first pebble they found in the side of their cheek and it still had to be there when they turned the others in. No one could be counted out .. everyone had to play.

Oh and while they were looking, I needed a speedy racing lizard too. Shhh,don't tell anyone, I was going to challenge that other Haruspex to a lizard race. They knew the one. Yes, they did. I already had my winner but they could help her out. She was going to need a fast one.

Well, alright!

One of the boys came running up later with two bags of the little stone globes, all grins and swelled with pride. He even showed me that he had his first pebble right where it was supposed to be .. all wet and everything. Of course he drooled in the effort and I just sat there smiling. He was First son of Nahal. I was going to remember him. I gave him instructions to dole the pebbles out among all of his friends, all the children he could find. He had to share his bounty this time but when the weather was not so hot, a fresh plate of honey cakes was all his and so was the side of my wagon.

We ended up wandering off later singing some silly made up song, "Baby I got your lizard and I know that you got mine .. we gonna take them with our pebbles on a wild slip and slide."

Thank you Noya for such a great day.

A chance to grow

I'd rescued the bowl and placed it on the steps of the warrior, a heaping lump of dirt packed into its center and a plant not so ceremoniously stuck smack dab in the middle of all that. I dusted my hands and walked away but each day I went by and watered it and turned it so that all sides found the sun as well as the shade. When word came that we must reserve our water and douse many of our fires .. for a while I shared my ration with the little herb.

VALOR

THE FALLEN SOLDIER


Don't weep for me
O' Land of the free
When it was my time to fall
'Twas for my country's call
'Twas for the land that I loved,
That I gave my all
And for the land that I loved,
I did freely give
And in her freedom
And her courage
I'll continue to live

Patricia Krull

Cry Softly and sleep well?

I walked along the bank of the stream for a while then then realized I didn't really know where I was going and I was alone and ...

I was alone.

Even when Ollie came to sit with me for a while, I still could not shake that feeling.

He said all the wrong things for all the right reasons and it made him endeared to me for trying. Then He added that He would step down ... Ubar be damned. I couldn't let that happen. He had his duties just as his commander did and I would not interfere with them. It went deeper than that he explained. He had been promoted through the ranks by Kam himself. There was a loyalty to him that the guard held to tightly. Better to die among the ranks for what a man believed in than to live a sheltered life standing on what he did not. Yes. I could well understand those words that somehow brought a bit of smile.

On our walk back to my wagon, he reached for my hand. That meant something important to me that few would understand. He said he had learned the other side of trusting someone because of those moments on the top of the canyon. He would never forget. It may not have been appropriate but I lifted to my tiptoes before he left and kissed the scars on his cheek. I told him He was a good man, one that could allow himself to soar within his imagination. That was a precious thing... not to ever forget that either. He told me if I ever needed a guard for another journey to let him know. I couldn't give him that promise, so I just nodded and went inside my wagon.

My braid began to unwind in my fingers and the brush slowly ran through the strands. I caught sight of the ahn glass Aunt had given me, noticing that there was only a slender horizontal line left in the upper chamber. There was a sudden urge to reach out and turn it over .. to turn back Time. To live the past envar over again. Live it richer. Live it better. Live it fuller. As if the sky heard those thoughts and scoffed, Time slowed to give the night a crystal clarity. The reflection of the woman in the mirror was one I barely recognized. The weight of pain darkened circles around her eyes. An etched furrow had begun to form on the smooth finish.

She was sadness.

Strange what we remember. Not always what we choose but what stands out most in our lives. The good. The bad. The indifferent. All without discernment at times but just an impact that it carries. One that lingers in our subconscious. When I had reached to touch his mouth .. in the same way I had so many times before .. he had flinched. For the first time in the past envar .. in the time the sands had run their course through the glass .. I had felt like an invasion of his personal space. It touched deep into a place I did not understand.

He had asked me to tell him of my journey .. not because he held interest in what I had experienced but because he needed something beautiful ... something uplifting in his life at that moment. I had lain only a portion of it out before him. How could I describe the flight of imagination to one that had not been there?

I had lain a portion of the vision Orahjinn had shown me as well, that a raven had come to me and I held bits of food that it did not eat but carried to feed another. The Ubar's words .. the moment ... resounded in my head over and over again ... Must have been a male .. perhaps taking the food to his mate.

I felt so alone.

Words and moments.

Bits of time.

Pieces of veins opened and left exposed.

I wanted to make it go away, make it all leave my head. I wanted to remember something else instead .. something beautiful and uplifting in my life at this moment. I wanted to remember the sweetness of the smiles sharing a box of candy with friends had brought. I wanted to remember how it felt to be among the verr watching over them.

I wanted to remember something like the joy I felt when two small chubby hands grabbed my hair and dragged me to an open mouth kiss all sticky and sweet and wonderfully pure and filled with all the goodness of a warrior's heart.

It was a memory that stung more than it brought peace. I felt that longing to have and to hold a child of my own. I felt that wistfulness that this was not going to be now. I felt those pangs of absence that there wasn't going to be someone to wrap their arms around me and whisper in the darkness all the soothing things that brought pleasant dreams.

The tears began to fall and I gave in to them.

And The Darkness cried. "Never alone."

I wasn't aware when the last grain of sand fell, just felt the delicate hover of the UI's wings open and spread over me tucking its little clutchling in. I only heard the whisper from a far away place. "Meet me in my dreams and I will show you the gleam of my fangs and razor of my talons."

I closed my eyes for the last time that night, red rimmed swollen and raw ...

And I murmured. "I will scream just for you."

"Then for now ... Cry softly and sleep well."

And I did.

Many women would kill for a man like that.

I kicked the cracked bowl out of my wagon, out onto the platform hard enough it should have shattered. Damned bowl. It didn't. I kicked it down the stairs with the same luck. Damned Bosk headed bowl .. reminded me of a Tuchuk I know. I was so angry and hurt and frustrated and the weight of feeling alone felt as if it was going to crush the very breath from my lungs.

The ride with Ayguili had ended in disaster, hurt and frustration. Anger? It was not at the top of the list. Not at first. But by the latter part of the night it took on a life of its own. It was bad enough to hear Kam had been stripped of his rank and charged with treason for wanting to murder the reining Ubara.

BOSK SHIT!

I had been there that night, I know what was said. I know the sentiments that were conveyed and there was nothing in any of it to be seen as maliciously wanting to harm anyone. The healer had told us that the body could only sustain for a short time without life support and there were no magics here that would keep breath continually filling her lungs if they began to break down. There was nothing that would pump her heart so the blood could pulse through her veins. To live suspended in such a way was cruel and heartless. I had listened as the warrior, one that had pledged his lance to my own protection not long ago, spoke his concern for dignity for another Tuchuk, to give the soul peace. It is called ... Mercy.

When it was explained there was hope .. He understood and joined us in that faith.

Where is there treason in this?

What crawled up into the Ubar's mind and began to eat away at the pink fluffy stuff in there and leave .. this behind? Logic failed in the communication with Ayguili. He had his mind set. I would not be allowed my say, it was clear to see. No reasoning allowed. Just his word.

I stood by that didn't I?

That the Ubar's word was final?

What I could not stand for was that it went against everything I myself stood for. I was finding I no longer held faith in Ayguili's judgements. It all boiled down to Cana. He would avenge her regardless of truth or justice or a trusted warrior's honor and there was no changing his mind. I was ready to walk home.

Where was I going?

Home.

I voiced the feeling I had inside. I wanted to find that place of sanity and reason I was not finding here.

Was home not with him? Now our own relationship was on the line.

There was a brick wall there that I hit full force. The best I can say is that never wavered.

He was Ubar.

This was not a selfish tantrum on my behalf clamoring for Ayguili's attention but something far more deeply rooted. Yes, I had pressed him to work with me on our relationship, to create more substance to it than the stolen moments filled with sensual kisses or the crux of what was going on among the harigga. Over and over again he was telling me there was not going to be time for the two of us ... Tribe came first .. then clan then family. Over and over again I had told him, I understood he was the Ubar .. I accepted that and was willing to stand at his side through everything that came our way but was there nothing more .. to "Us" than this?

He was Ubar.

He threw at me that he would not step down from the grays. Where ever the hell that came from it was not in any way what I had inferred. Had I wanted him to find out that his brother had been killed then go directly to Oren and Pei to speak of my bride price? Did I want him to turn his back on his people .. his family? Was it the last bit of insanity to throw at me that he suspected I didn't trust his feelings for me any more? He told me I seemed to have my head set on nothing he was saying being right .. on there being many reasons to be angry with him. No matter what argument I offered that, that was not true, that I loved him, that I was trying to be what he needed of me ... he put more distance between us and claimed that it was I instead that was alienating the two of us from each other. He explained that this .. this .. was what our life together was going to be. He prodded that I had promised to be patient, yet he saw nothing of the patience and understanding that I had brought to this point .. as if I were a demanding woman unwilling to compromise in any way. I was hurt. I was frustrated. Again and again he told me ... this was what our lives was going to be and it was going to grow worse. Was I not willing to work with him on this?

He was Ubar.

Eventually I began to see .. to understand what he was telling me. What more answer could I give .. than apparently not. I thought I had been. This was my decision then on this? If there was to be no compromise on his part then the decision seemed very made for me, wasn't it? I knew that I would not lose who I was not for him or for anyone. I asked him to just please .. take me back to the harigga. Take me back before I could no hold back the tears.

It wasn't even anger when he scored the final blow ... "I love you, Mezoo .. is that not enough?" It was defeat. I felt the tears running my cheeks knowing it wasn't going to matter what I said. All I could offer at this point was a quiet spoken ..

"Of course ... Ubar."

The night simply grew worse. How could I explain to Cana, to Tarra that what they were hearing wasn't a matter of such simplicity as an insecure young woman needing validation through the man in her life? There was more beneath the surface that I would not divulge to them. I was not going to lay out my concerns and worries that history would repeat itself. A woman before me had held the man's heart, one he was not there for and it ended with a quiva driven through her heart. Who would release my breath for me? Who would free me from his jealousies and inferiority's when he exacted their price?

Like a flower, love has its basic needs .. air .. sunlight ... soil for a foundation. Without these it will wither and fade from existence. NO. I was willing to die for no man and could not find inside me where ... love ... one that was real and whole and healthy ... would ever wish such a thing.

I took blame.

I took the responsibility that I loved him but needed there to be a depth to it, I needed those simple requirements to grow and thrive within the relationship rather than wither in the shadows.

"Are you not strong enough to love him unconditionally?"

Unconditional?

Everything about this relationship with the man was filled to overflowing with conditions wasn't it? Yet I was not to be allowed my own. Yes, there were conditions. To work on it, to find time and place for it to be able to grow, for us to be able to grow together. He wanted to stand on traditions for our mating, to speak to Grandmother, to Pei, then to Fonce. He wanted us to be held up to every one's scrutiny and more ... to be approved by the Tribe. I agreed, I accepted all of this. Now there was something else I was beginning to accept.

"Do you not want him to follow the traditions of our people?" The night was becoming a mirror of the earlier part of the eve.

"Would you want to see him dismiss something important to do with the people just to spend time with you, Mezoo?"

"Is it that he does not move fast enough to suit you?"

"You think you are somehow putting your life on hold for him and you are regretting that?"

By now even Yamka felt some empathy or sympathy and had taken me in her arms to offer some comfort but I could not believe what I heard from Cana.

"So you expect a warrior, the Ubar of the strongest tribe on the plains to submit himself to what you want?"

There was a rage filling into the crevices on the inside of me, one that wanted vent and I was becoming sorely afraid of what would happen if I gave any of it air. I stepped away from Yamka to meet the Ubara face to face. She continued with the last of what I would listen to from her.

"He is a man. A strong, stubborn man. One with high ideals, a strong sense of honor. A dedication to his people. Many women would kill for a man like that."

"Then perhaps, that is the problem Cana. Perhaps I am the wrong woman for him." I turned from them all then barely bridling the fury I felt.

A man like that?

Yes, it was true, he was all that. All of the admirable qualities that had drawn me to him in the first place except that now ... I carried the secrets of his sins.

Echoes

My thoughts fly up like birds in the sky.
I am free. I can fly.
I go everywhere. I see everything.
Towering mountain ranges
and a tiny flower growing in the desert.
I see cities and highways and a fallen tree
I see a grandmother telling a story to a child.
I sit quietly
But my thoughts fly up like the birds in the sky.
Only I know where they go.
When you sit quietly, where do your thoughts go?
What do you see?

I sat quietly leaving my thoughts to make their own journey. Orahjinn waited and watched until the tendrils of smoke had become a lace of fingerlets swirling around our ankles and growing thicker before we began to walk. It was a trip I must make on my own even as he accompanied me. He didn't take my hand to lead me but I followed at his side. We walked out onto the sea tomorrows where hopes and dreams find companion to their opposite.

It is a frightening place of unfamiliars, glimpses of what we know too slim and all that we cannot yet comprehend daunting as it looms ever closer. I heard the sound of wing before the vision of it emerged in the fog. A line of plane disturbed as it flew closer and closer still. It was coming. It was coming closer ... right to me and all I knew within no longer mattered but the instinctive nature of the creature that held my soul ... I would have fled had my feet not been bound by the mists themselves. There was only to lift my hand for its arrival and see its wisdom and hear its vision.

Three times the peck of its beak found my palm. The pain piercing itself free. Only then he did he turn and find me in the glassy eye. Did I comprehend? .. No said a voice inside of me, show these things to me. From the opening it began to pluck pieces of myself and pull them free .. juicy tender tidbits of heart and soul and willingness to thrive, the desires of a lifetime as a precious treat. Once freed it took to wing, flying back upon the mists that it had come. The echoes of the swamp rolling in the bright white darkness .. a cicadas thrum, a frog's riveted croak. Somewhere in the past that was to be the future of tomorrow something splashed and slithered its way nearer. And the cry of a gim hollowed across the marsh.

Three times the peck of its beak found my palm and empty it was when it returned. Such sustenance I proved to be for what lay in the beyond. I watched with fascination growing for all the bits the raven wished to procure yet to wonder where it was going when it was swallowed by the light. A slow and confusing clarity came quickly to mind. Is this what it was meant to be? Is this what Orahjinn had wished me to see? Butterfly flutters lit upon the cypress bough and swung from the mossy over hang, fusing into the branches as pretty as can be. A swirl of pale shades waved across the fog as it roiled and churned with stillness. I almost heard a voice whispering, but I knew it was wrong then I set it free.

Three times the peck of its beak found my palm and empty it was when it returned to me. I saw in blissful horror, stark obscurities yet to be. The raven pulled and tugged harder and harder the last of the nurture it needed of me ... the pain lit behind my eyes and clutched deep within my chest. And all the while the brightness fading, sinking deeper into the weeping of despair. The wash of the mist lapping against the shore, the wave of its emptiness breaking on debris. I watched as the raven set its course to fly away from me ... out into the darkness bright and blinding white. I knew where he was going and found only comfort that he would fill the belly of the prophet ... an oracle I could not be.

Orahjinn left me alone to walk the journey back with me and only as we stepped beyond the madness did he offer his hand to catch mine. In his dark brooding gaze I found a touch of cruel mercy, a cold kindness that was embracingly disturbing and maddeningly calm. Denial of the obvious, I clutched the pain tightly to my chest and set the rest to an echoing whisper.

There is a place

“Defenseless under the night, Our world in stupor lies; Yet, dotted everywhere, Ironic points of light, Flash out wherever the Just, Exchange their messages: May I, composed like them, Of Eros and of dust, Beleaguered by the same, Negation and despair”
W. H. Auden

There I was, on the edge of the precipice, with everything spread out underneath: the plains, the valleys, and then, in the distance, the shimmering, spangling City of Turia. This is why I had come to this place ... this vista before me. The others I had left behind for these few ahns of serenity and meditation.

Here there were none to step up in my face with demands for the position I had not even been granted. Here there were no pressing responsibilities for family, for clan .. it was a moment of indulgence for the health and well being of the woman within. To center her world, to attain enlightenment and strength for all that was to come.

To find peace.

The cord that held the amulet Tarra gave me was wrapped several times around my wrist until it lay just at the heel of my palm. The tap of it there a reminder that in some way she was with me .. watching over me. Mother vulo that she is. It made me smile. I kept my promise to wear it and just as easily as I donned the charm, it was forgotten, it was so much part of me. My toes hovering over the sheer drop left bits of dirt cascading down the drop and I imagined all my worries .. all my cares careening off the walls and those that weighted me most, I imagined pierced on the jagged spires below.

It was just as I closed my eyes that I felt a hand slip within mine. I clinched my fingers tight around his and I looked up. It wasn't the face that I had longed to be there with me but the dedication was strong enough to make my pulse skip a beat.

"I won't let you go alone."

"Then you must trust me."

No matter how valiant a man is, there is a point he faces his fear and steps beyond what is expected. His courage pressed to the very edge even for his own imaginations to comprehend. Did my protector understand what was about to happen? I could see him swallow and that brought a touch of bittersweet smile. It was as much preparation as I had given myself.

"Don't let go"

With that, we fell from the mountain to set our souls to soar.

The crisp snap of wing caught air so that gravity and distance was no longer challenge. Where the wind drifted so did we. Across the prairie northward beyond the walled place of dwellers and further still. From heights so great, the rivers seemed like silver ribbons tossed by the Sky to the ground and forgotten. Groves of trees lay like a carpet below so that even their lushness was merely color against the backdrop of russets and sienna. The bosk covered the land with an inky hue that reminded me of oil spilled from a lantern .. they spread shifting and drenching the world they owned.

This was our home .. the plains as far as the eye could see. It all belonged to us .. the Tuchuk.

From my bird's eye view I watched as my companion savored this venture, rising higher and higher until silhouetted by the sun itself. The brilliance of its rays dazzling the air around him until he disappeared within them. His plummet at first set my heart to race. Had he flown too far .. too close? The leveling out onto a wind sheer made me laugh and I banked to join him. Lower and lower toward a lake of shimmering gold in the waning light. Across the water, the touch of our wings glanced the surface sending a rain of droplets into the air behind us. Then climbing again as we made another ascent.

It was time to return and our course retraced the air born path we had just come. Even the others of our entourage seemed tiny beneath us as we passed them by for that summit once more.

The excitement, the thrill had been powerful for the warrior. Nothing .. nothing had ever been such an experience for him and as we touched again upon Terra firma he reached for my face to begin telling me so. With wide eyed wonder his words never reached my ears. I could see the movement of his mouth but we were slipping over the edge, the ground crumbling under our boots. I was farthest out and he struck his hand outward locking onto my arm. The amulet itself pressed under his palm gouging into the tender part of my skin. One quick tug and he tossed me back over the ledge onto the plateau behind him and I sat there in a dusty heap just shaking my head.

"I told you to trust me .. I told you not to let go"

"You were falling ..

We were falling!"

The tip of my finger pointed down to his boots. They were right where they had began ... unmoved. Next to the prints were a perfect likeness of my own. We laughed that nervous kind of laugh that you really don't feel is so funny on the inside then looked at each and laughed with the heartiness that this venture truly deserved.

The mind is a wonderful place, like the canyons, it has worlds within worlds within, and for a short time, Ol'ngyuen had joined me inside mine.

Of beginning

I answer the heroic question,

"Death where is thy sting?"

with

"It is here in my heart and mind and memories."

Maya Angelou

The canyons hold worlds within worlds we rarely take the time to see. There are caves and cliffs containing wonders and mysteries that defy imaginations to describe. Beauties that wet the eye as well as dangers that set the hair to rise on the nape of the neck. The first leg of this journey was for a Mother as requiem for her son so there was an air of reverence and respect as the five of us neared them.

Orahjinn, elder of the Haruspex clan, my mentor, had asked where I felt most at peace so that the depth of a new lesson would find ease to follow. It was here that came to mind and he smiled with some strange sense of knowing. Ol'ngyuen, a warrior of the Ubar's Guard had become a constant in my life. Appointed at one time by the Ubar himself, my journeys it seem would always be accompanied by the faithful companion. Zhou, Singer and Trusted friend of Aamon had been sent by the elder of the clan himself. He was adamant to be a part of this mission for the family of Ba'atar, to see a will be carried out as requested. Laridas, a revered Orlu of the Tribe was to insure the safety of the others. He rode point while Ol'ngyuen ... Ollie would bring up the rear.

Birmmah had been detailed in her description of a particular place ... where the ridge of the cliffs ran straight into the air like vertical folds of fabric with a shadow that overlapped a crease. There within we would find a glint of light without source. We searched for an ahn and a half riding up and down the area she had described before I found it. Truth is, it was Zhou that motioned up over our heads to a gleam that winked as we moved. Little did we understand it had been a ring placed there by the woman's hands herself long ago, perched on the edge of a small plateau .. right there in plain sight yet hidden unless you knew to look.

It would be Ollie that stepped through the fissure with me .. into one of those worlds unlike any other. The dampness of the rock kept the cavern cool and the angle of light illuminated the sides of the walls like a rainbow. Trickles of water seeped from the rock itself as if it wept for its own beauty. I found myself teary eyed as I traced markings along the smooth surface. Nine clearly defined symbols all in a row. A mother's scrapbook of memories.

For Birmmah.

I wept as I reached out to add to the first in the line where several others had the same rendering beneath them .. the plains, the clouds .. the journey to the Sky. The coil of braid left lovingly there before I scooped up a handful of golden minerals that lay beneath it.

For Aamon

The voice of Zhou echoed within the cavern walls until it sounded like the thundering rage of a river crashing over a dam. He sang of an end and of beginning.

For Ba'atar.

Family of Sorrow

Naked we come from our Mother's womb, and naked will we depart. The Sky gives and the Sky has taken away. Bless the Sky for her Mercies.

We rejoiced for the return of a favored daughter and we grieved for the loss of the favored son. While most hurried to welcome the Ubara home from her journey to other realms, I turned my direction to find another part of this family.

Birmmah stood shaking her head ... denial. It could not be, not her beloved, not her first son ... no not Ba'atar. Weathered fists beat against the arm, shoulder and chest of Aamon when he tried to assist her to her wagon. She pulled against him with wailing shrieks that she had to go and find her son ... her son ... didn't he love him enough to go and bring him home? Did she have to do this herself?

Before she could make it half dozen steps her knees buckled beneath her with only the strong embrace of her mate to hold her up. No matter how rigid the patina I was trying to provide against my own emotions, I could not bear to watch such a vital woman crumble this way. Aamon saw her into her wagon and motioned for me. His own will was cracking. He had no idea what to do, how to comfort her and he seemed to be as much catalyst for her rage as the news had been. He was helpless in a time he felt he was needed most.

I sat quietly inside the wagon while Birmmah released her grief against the ball of her fists, until there were no more tears, until even the dry sobs hiccuped with pain. Then there was silence as she stared across the wooden floor to a place inside no one could reach, no one could touch her. For a brief ihn I was afraid she would drown in her anguish, afraid she would perhaps go where Cana had just returned.

Then she spoke.

A whisper from inside the soul.

She spoke of a place that she and Aamon used to go, their escape from the Tribe to be together. I wondered what this had to do with the death of Ba'atar and then it dawned on me and I had to smile a little.

I knew the place, not the exact location she mentioned but I knew where she spoke of. I needed to visit it for reasons of clan, for personal reasons too and had wanted Ayguili to there with me. I wanted to show him the plains from a view like no other. He would be able to see for himself the many things riders would return from scouting to tell him. He would see all this for himself. Somehow it felt like I should tell her along with a quieter confession that he was a busy man as Tribe leader .. I did not think he would have time to go.

It was the first time she drew herself up to find me .. to level me under her gaze. It narrowed there then her chin found that haughty lift to it so fitting a Tuchuk woman. So many emotions welled inside her that I was almost drunk with them and then they went dead calm.

"Go anyway. Go and take something there with you ... for me. Will you go there ... for me? "

I had enough arguments against that to make a valid case for why I couldn't but I found myself nodding gently and consoling her with quietly spoken words.

"Of course."

I leaned over to kiss her temple sealing my vow to her and felt the long winded exhale of sigh rattle its way through her lungs and past her lips. She seemed so frail in that moment. The line of her mouth bowing inward as she touched the fuller part behind her teeth clinching it there to silence too much that wanted release. Her eyes red and wet from the tears that still made attempt to fall. Her hair delicately shaded the hue of a winter's frost disheveled and unkempt from her sorrow. I reached up to brush the stray wisps into place so she would have that regal bearing once more of a strong proud plains woman.

And it is time for everyone to prepare ...

Take me if you need me
But never hold me down
You're asking me to trust you
Well there's little of that around
I'm trying to believe you
And I'm learning all the time
Two-part personality
The flower and the vine
Stevie Nicks

Where does the actuality of life begin and end? Is it in the wisp of air that fills the lungs .. a breath? If this is so then a child does not live until he has breached the barrier of his mother's womb to inhale the preciousness of existence. But it moves within the safety of its protective cocoon long before those moments. Is it in the movement of the body, to extend and contract muscles and sinew in motion? Many of the returning warriors from battle have been left without arm and leg for ability to navigate their own but there is seen within the eyes the flickering of understanding, in the pleading silence for their plight. Is it then in the reasoning process of thought .. I think .. therefore I am?

"How is Cana? What more can we do for her?"

The vigil had been ongoing around the span of the sun's sleep and wake for two and a half passage hands. Not a moment went by that someone was not in attendance of her needs. I had watched as Tarra had driven herself to be there day and night until she was sometimes dragged to eat and find some rest. The children if not with myself or Birmmah would be found with her among her wagons. Even among my clan a web of safety had been woven over the sons and daughters of Ba'atar and Cana, a blanket of strength spread lovingly over those we could not let go.

We held our breath .. waiting. We had been for a long time now.

I don't think we had looked at the reality of the Ubara's condition through eyes of the everyday world. We saw her laying there like a sleeping statue .. pristine, beautifully serene. Our hope had misted our visions to what was happening right there in front of us.

Ayguili and I had taken our turn at this vigil, standing watch through the eve so that Rook could wash up and the girls could see that he managed to eat. The man had been her gatekeeper tirelessly. Ongel, the healer came to check on his patient. He had been caring for her body, the part she had left behind in our hands painstakingly to make sure it remained healthy for her return.

She would return .. She would return .. she would. The mantra was our own shield to give us strength to be there for her.

It would be the physician that held our rapt attention as he explained the latest prognosis. There had been no change in her condition. His orders had been that her diet be changed. Her body no longer able to process solid foods could be tortured by the digestion as well as a fight in the elimination of wastes. Any hint of soiling could bring infections we did not have the means to treat. The body is very delicate when one cannot tend to it themselves. Like a newborn babe. Movement itself must be done for her to preserve the condition of the muscles and the circulation of blood to keep her limbs alive. The difficulty in conveying to us the seriousness was far too evident in his eyes. When she could no longer swallow then it was time to stop feeding her and its time for everyone to prepare.

There was no mystery to the meaning of his words. They were completely understandable to me. She had shown no signs of waking and Cana herself had planned for the eventuality. It was why she had made arrangements for her children, had made a promise to me to meet me at the Canyon of Echoes ... to return from the other side there.

Ayguili did not seem to be able to accept what he was hearing. Prepare? He began sputtering about Rook having said it was like she was not there, was that what Ongel saw too? That wasn't answered immediately. Instead the healer brought up the positives. Her reflexes were still good. He had seen people lock themselves away for a season and come back. I was pondering how close we were to that now. Somehow I felt the emotion deeper inside him say, that they die shortly after but he never gave it voice.

"That is what I see .. a body with no soul."

As hard as it was to admit I felt as the healer did.

The Ubar never looked up from his stare into the bottom of his bowl of wine. His words were thick with emotion, he wished Ongel had known her, known what a strong woman she was. It pleased me to hear such viable defense for my friend ... is ... He believed Ayguili should have said he could not wait until Ongel met her .. to see what kind of woman she is .. how strong. Present Tense. I could only back that up by confiding she is an amazing woman to many among the harigga.

Sometimes I talk to her and tell her of the children's day when I can. I didn't think she heard me though. Ongel said that was good, but to remember to keep all stories positive. She might only be locked in there. If we tell her the children miss her too much, it could cause stress.

Ayguili wanted to know if that was what locked her in there, inside her body without escape? It could be, we were told, stress makes a body weak. The physician pressed for information of what might have incurred this trauma. It was then we divulged that she had been having dreams, terrible dreams .. terrifying nightmares before she no longer awakened from them. He was sure anxiety from stress might have brought this on. Emotions will do that.

"Let us hope, she returns soon. The body can only last so long like this. No matter how much we care for her, liquids are not enough to sustain for a lifetime. You are prepared in case she awaken, she might not be herself, right? Strange things happen when one is lost in a coma, but sometimes, they are not the same person ... Not to say she won't return the same, sometimes they need extra help getting back that way."

The Ubar was quick to speak up. We will be here for her. We will do what it takes, she will be protected.

An admiration began to set in for Ongel as he soothed some of my warrior's fears with quiet spoken wisdom. Its the will of the Sky as to why these things have happened. We just respect it, and work with what the Sky feels we are strong enough to deal with.

I thanked him for his dedication to the care of my friend. I thanked him for the reminder that there was hope as well as the favor of the sky to turn to. But lets worry about now. I think I knew these things somewhere in my mind but wasn't .. wasn't allowing myself to think of it. She is well loved and as Ayguili said, she will be taken care of. A Haruspex in a special field has been called. The Ubar added that the Haruspex was said to be able to walk in the land of dreams. That was where Cana was believed to be. It is a place I am not familiar ... if she were merely trapped inside her own mind, it would have been my forte. I cannot enter that realm except with express invitation or explicit directive. It is a violation of will and I had been given neither. But dreams ... that is an altogether different place.

The last thing the physician said before he left was that if its told that her spirit is gone, we will know to allow the body to go also.

I was genuinely pleased to see the elder Kamchak as he approached the fires. Grandfather ... Not my own but as close as if he were blood to me. He wanted to know why everyone was gathered around Cana's fires .. where was Cana? I felt clammy fingers grasp at my heart. Did he not know? No one had told him that the mother of his great grandson was in a coma??

Ayguili began to speak man to man with him ... Cana had fallen ill. There was the staunch posture of a man struggling with both the intense desire to be the protector and the overwhelming shock and pain that he could not be. What kind of illness? She does not wake, was what I offered him in quiet tones. He wanted to know immediately who had been chosen to free her from this? Ayguili stated it was Fonce, without adding much filler for how or why or what was being done. All Kam knew was what we had just said .. she was no longer among us consciously, only her body remained. You could see the pain in his eyes as he asked more quietly ... "quick and quietly with a quiva?" Everything in Ayguili tensed there and he shot back "No". But he added as well that she responded to nothing. Kam asked why .. why then let her suffer? The Ubar flashed back that as long as there was hope, we would not put her down like some worn out beast.

I could see Kam's surprise at such a statement and he clarified .. "You mistake my words."

"Then explain it to me"

The elder proceeded to ask what was the most important thing among our people to which the scarrer answered ... the bosk, the sky, life and all too quickly .. "she still has life in there somewhere". This no longer seemed about Cana but something eating at the Ubar where the Commander of the Ubar's guard was concerned. Kam reminded him that we hold courage and dignity sacred as well. Those are the values of the old ways. The ones I grew up with and hold so dear, along with honor.

He is a precise man, Kam is, one that wants to know details, complete information and he wanted it now. Was it a surity that life was still inside the woman lying inside the wagon motionless .. unwaking? We had hope, a unisoned remark that came from Ayguili and I at the same time. Tarra had believed that Cana was inside somewhere, we just had to find her. I felt it as well as sure as if I heard the woman's voice ring from the sky to tell me so.

Kam was reaasured but he still looked to Ayguili for the last degree of expectation. Was it not much the same as what the healer had said only half ahn before? If .. if .. things come out differently, leave her dignity intact. Do this for him, do this for her. Was it not better to ride the sky in all of its glory among those that have earned such rites of passage than to live .. like .. that?

Ayguiil nodded. "I agree. If that time comes, I will do it myself."

Kamchak clasped his arm and sounded a hand against the Ubar's back .. two warrior's understanding .. a promise .. a vow accepted.

Something Important II

'Cuz what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive
But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say

Then everything changed.

It is said I have the Ubar's ear but truth be known it is the other way around. Much our time together is of my listening, more so listening to what was on the Ubar's mind and that entailed privacies I did not really wish to know about family and friends. I had tried to remain outside this when the issues of Karvek, Fonce and Seveya had first arisen. What little I had allowed then left vast margins for misunderstanding later.

My own opinion in all that was not well taken. Regardless, I stood by Ayguili's decisions whether I agreed or not. Perhaps sharing more of what burdened the man I loved could bring some appeasement to his tired mind. I was willing to give it a try.

He began with asking if I had noticed a change in Silken since Ash claimed her. I don't know the woman very well so all that I could convey was an instance over a bottle of wine I had placed in a gift basket for the two. I will know better next time.

I gathered that they were not the true topic he had wanted to talk about. Proof came as the conversation shifted to Seveya. She did not understand why Ash and Silk had been given permission to mate. Why would she not understand? I had been there when Ash had brought the healer with him to face Ayguili. I had seen with my own eyes and heard their words .. their pledge of life to each other. Relating this to my warrior while all curled against his chest I could feel him sigh with frustration then tense as I reminded him that outside his word, the laws of the Tribe still said.that mating was not about love. A guardian or family elder can accept a brideprice and it is final. Changing that is by the Ubar's word but I did feel that it should be made where all know of it. He growled at me that he knew what the laws say and asked if I thought he was wrong in not setting a payment for Fonce to meet.

I didn't know what had been said between each of them .. He and Fonce and Seveya. I trusted Ayguili's judgement but I did mention my own opinion since I had been asked .. if Fonce loved her and she loved him and he was willing to meet the terms of trade for her then perhaps they should be together. That is where the problem seemed to be .. He said he had asked Fonce if he loved her and Fonce had said no. Seveya moved my guardian, she stirred him, but no in truth he did not love her.

That collided on every synapses with seeing the Head of my clan one night when he was singing with this sappy look on his face and grinning from ear to ear. Something definitely did not make any sense. Fonce himself had been on his way that night to speak to Ayguili about asking for the artisan .. happy deliciously, deliriously happy. The brideprice had been set. Something that most would find more than reasonable and definitely fitting. He figured that if the man did love her, he would come to him again. It sounds very cold of me that I believed Fonce would either find Seveya's worth enough to pay it or he would not.

That was when my warrior said something that lifted my head from his shoulder. He didn't think Fonce had ever had any love in his life. It was not a statement I could allow to stand on its own merit. I disagreed. Fonce has been loved. He has known the love of a brother in my Father .. that of a good friend, the esprit de corp that two men can stand side by side in battle and know trust. He has known the love of Dubois, the compassioned embrace of a woman to take in a boy and see all the material needs met of doing so. There is Grandmother and Mother and Cana and Tzuri and me. He has been loved. He just may not see it sometimes and other times he does not know what to do with it. Is that any different for everyone at some point in their lives? To me it was Fonce that felt stranger to being able to show it. He could and he had, I knew this but it was in his own way. I had to say that perhaps he did love her. That was what I had thought I saw written all over him the night between the wagons. Hearing the sound of a warrior's heart fill the wind with song for what made him happy. Yes, a Happy Fonce! It had been wonderful to witness. Fonce had even told me that he had a bride price for me and he was on his way to see Ayguili.

There had been no answer for me that night after I offered my own thoughts. There was simply silence as the Ubar left without a word.

Was there a crisis among the tribe that called him so suddenly?

Had I said something wrong?

Was there something important I missed?