Looking down into

Midway

on our life's journey,

I found myself

In dark woods,

the right road lost.

Dante Alighieri

The Valley of Shadows

I heard the thunder of three voices

The voices of sorrow in unison

"Feel my pain!"

Silent Scream

You cover me

with the feathers

of your wings,
and under your wings

I find refuge

in you;
Your Truth

is my shield

and a defense.
Why then

am I still afraid

of the terrors

of the night?

Cold ... so Cold

I've tried so hard my dear to show

That you're my every dream

Yet you're afraid each thing I do

Is just some evil scheme

A memory from your lonesome past

Keeps us so far apart

Why can't I free your doubtful mind

And melt your cold cold heart

Another love before my time

Made your heart sad an' blue

And so my heart is paying now

For things I didn't do

Norah Jones

Tuchuk

My crown is in my heart, not on my head, Nor decked with diamonds and Indian stones, Nor to be seen: My crown is called content: A crown it is, that seldom kings enjoy.
Shakespeare, William

So when does it happen that you become what you are meant to be?

I am Tuchuk

and together We are Tuchuk

There is not one Tuchuk and two Tuchuk .. we are all Tuchuk.

We stand together as a whole with as many different parts as there are hearts. Change takes a day and another day and it take speaking and continuing to speak and those that do not listen .. do not listen but those that do become part of the voice. And when the voice speaks as one it is the roar of thunder heard across the plains deafening all.

Fair Weather Friends

Standing on the shoulders of Giants

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly,

who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement,

and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

Teddy Roosevelt

Witnessing the first Ubar's Congress I knew it was a precedence that this Tribe has never known in my lifetime. There was the beginning of one voice emerging from within the harigga and it had begun with the Ubar's himself. His love and concern for his people filled my chest with such fierce pride, there was little room for anything else.

With the Ubara at his left and his Second in Command at his right, he sat and listened to the hearts of the Tribe, finding solutions to worries, to soothe their fears and offer them chance to come together, leading them to participate in the safety and well being of one another.

To Hear and To be heard.

This Tribe and its dedication to one another began to solidify into a tangible essence.

Amid the gentle downpour of the blessing of rain ... a great people came together standing on the shoulders of giants as one voice and it was going to create a rumble across the plains that none could deny they had heard.

A grasp at humanity

A dream is something all your own to keep within your heart
To build on when you're glad or when your world's been torn apart
A dream is something all your own that no one else can steal
A dream is something you can make come real

Now you can share a laugh with any stranger on the street
And you can share your money with a beggar on the street
But you can only share your dream when love has set it free
So please, won't you share yours with me?

May all your dreams bloom like daisies in the sun
May you always have stars in your eyes
May you not stop running on until your race is won
May you always have blue skies

Tarra was leaving just as I arrived at the fires. I felt a tinge of regret that she would not be someone I could speak with this night. The taut jawed departure of Fonce with the artisan was another disappointment. The want to talk with someone of the earlier ahns faded to a quiet throughout the rest of the eve. Noya's twins captivated the fires. Cana spoke with Chabi about the gift of a kaiila. It is a memory that lasts us forever ... that first feeling of freedom .. feeling of prominence within the Tribe.

Hisself took up a stance of expectancy waiting for the sweet he knew I kept stashed somewhere. He helped me fish through the my pockets .. simply knowing he would find his reward in one of them. I liked that ... that belief that good things came to those that were willing to take them. It is what Tuchuks are made of.

Ongel was explaining to Noya that Natalia had developed an aversion to baths. Noya and I were both quick to offer intervention and plans were made to douse all of the children in soap suds the next day. We would make it fun and put the little Miss "I am in charge" in charge then wait and watch while the other children were having a raucous good time for her to want to join in. Perfect scheme. It would work and we knew it.

Cana asked if any had seen the sleen man. The affectionate term made me smile thinking of him. When I told her I hadn't seen Oggie in quite some time, she questioned the nickname I had for him. The explanation made her grow quiet but it left a reminiscence of him dancing in my thoughts.

It was easy to appease myself by soaking up a coating of the vitality of youth and all the exuberance of the boy sitting in my lap. His braid pulling, dried fruit sugar coated kisses and being precociously demanding of my time and attention until he wore himself out and fell asleep right there in my arms was welcome.

Rising from the brace of furs with the boy cradled in my arms, I asked Noya if it was alright if I stayed with her and the children that night. Mother's wagon was brimming beyond capacity and Natalia and Niyati were wriggle worms when they slept. I had enough bruises on my shins to prove it. Ongel insisted on checking those out and we laughed that all he could see of my ankles was the leather chap of my boots. I teased him that he needed to have his eyes checked if he couldn't see the black and blue marks his girls had left. He said maybe some things just blind him. I beckoned him closer inspecting them with what healer training I had, then told him quietly there was nothing wrong with his eyes ... they just needed rest.

When I lay Hisself down on his pallet beneath the stars, I curled up next to him. That peach fuzz softness of his skin brought the former part of the day back to mind. He stirred and lifted his lashes long enough to make sure I was there then smiled as he snuggled in closer. I watched him sleep for a long time before I could find my own. I wondered what dreams fluttered behind those tiny eyelids.

Unnatural

Everytime that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face gettin clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dust to dawn
Isnt that the way
Everybodys got their dues in life to pay
I know what nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know its everybodys sin
You got to lose to know how to win
Half my life is in books written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know its true
All the things come back to you
Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away
Dream on, dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true.

Peach fuzz moistness of his youthful skin inviting, still vital, so tentative just beneath my touch but not quite. My mouth so close I could have touched them to the little bow. Feeling the soft exhales warmth breathe across my face. A flutter of lashes with the movement of somnolent visions just under the surface .. dancing to a tempo no one else could hear .. dreams. No not a dream. Not here, but not gone. Not awake, but neither sleeping. Not alive yet a margin's escape from the beckon of the skies.

Looking up over the sleeping form of the boy I found the gaze of the elder. It was then I made the cognizant decision not to make the invasion of an innocence. Not to begin the unholy formation of threesome. Not at this moment. It was not yet time but soon ... soon. It was not going to be like the rape of the slave. She had at one time welcomed such and the outcome accepted but this one .. this one knew nothing of the impending pervasion. He was still virginal, pristine .. untainted. I whispered his name against the shell of his ear .. Djorian. How I would have savored the precise moment his eyes flew open wide with such a closeness, to be aware of my presence and even know the horror of such intimacy. I could not bring myself to make the violation. Not yet. I would but .. not yet. It was only a matter of time now.

I rose from my hover just over the tiny listless form without ever letting my eyes pull away from the elder's. He held no qualms of the ravage of one so young. It was written on the stoic features ... masked amid the expectation. I would return to this one ... for ... this one and he knew it.

Fire Starter

"Walk into the fire with all your fears of being burned and shedding tears. Walk into the fire with eyes open wide. Don't try to run away, Don't try to hide. Feel the intense heat, feel your body sweat. Expose the fears you know and the ones you haven't met. Let your shield melt in the fire's blazing flames. You no longer have to hide or be a prisoner to shame. Walk into the fire in your state of being weak. Let the fire subdue you, let it be your defeat. Let the old flesh burn away. Let the smoke rise in the air. Let your apathy dissipate, let your heart start to care"

We rode a few ahns away from the harigga in an eerie silence. I pondered during the time what could be of such importance that Orahjinn would come to me this way and still there needled in the back of my head that concept Caleb had talked about .. suspended weightlessness of the mind. The need to let go .. to find peace and rest. Not a rest so much of the body but of the spirit.
I wanted that.

I needed that.

I yearned for it like nothing I had ever wanted before.

Then we stopped in a barren strip of a rain run off and my mentor was already dismounting. It brought my thoughts back to here and now to turn in the saddle and look at him. 'What is so important that you needed me?'

'Start a fire.'

It was a warm night but the temperature often drops a little during the later ahns even on the hottest eves. Fishing through my saddle bag I found a few chips to stack together. Perhaps once we settled in around the fire, he would tell me what he had on his mind. I tried to hide the shaking of my hands as I sparked the flint against the dung. As the first of the flame began the breeze whispered against the flicker softly extinquishing it.

'Start a fire, Mezoo.'

The tremble almost skittered the flint striker from my fingers. I was trying if he would just have patience with me. Couldn't he see that? Again and again the wind blew the flame out until I sat back becoming irritated. I tried over and over again until the frustration quivered the lower part of my lip to mirror the shaking of my hands.

'Even a novice can do it, Mezoo. Start a fire.'

A mantra began on the silence of my tongue, screaming on the quiet of the wind that continued to defy my progress. Why are you doing this to me? What do you want? The chips crumbled to dust and the wind whisked them away in a breath of air. I was growing angry and threw the flint on the ground trying to give up.

'Do it .. do it now!'

The span of my fingers wide at the circle and the force of ire cast shards of spark into the night but it fizzed and piffed as if it mocked me the same way Orahjinn seemed to. I sent a dotted line of miniature flame warriors dancing across the ground toward him circling with a battle cry threatening to engulf his boots and legs. One breath blew them into a stillness and they dissapated in tiny wisps.

'Is that all you have .. is it all you can do?'

His taunt fueled a fury, his chides piqued the very core of my rage. A flashpoint split the plains and I brought the wall of fire with me, stepping from it livid with a fire in my eyes to match it all. I would raze him from the prairie and be done with this game.

'What do you want from me??'

'Is this what it felt like when you set the plains on fire?'

The night went silent and the flames vanished in an instant. I blinked away the sting of tears. I blinked at how cold and callous he seemed to appear at this moment, how nonchalantly he had rent me open and spilled every ugly secret I kept so carefully tucked away onto the ground and watched it seep into the fissures.

Was there any voice to carry to him in the whisper of breath I gave him?

'No.'

'Think. This is what it feels like. This is what it takes from you Mezoo. It is this much effort that comes from the depth of your anger to create such a holocaust and still ... this is nothing by comparison to the flames that drenched the harigga.'

The dawning was slowly beginning to sink inside the pain ... the anger .. the confusion. I had not set the fire. I had not started the flames that had taken such toll on our people. I felt myself crumpling and the strong arms that caught and held me while I emptied my soul in a spill of tears to cleanse away the sorrow. A guilt that I could no longer claim as my own was leaving and with it all of the strength that it had offered to keep me going. The self hatred, the loathe fading while he rested his cheek against my hair.

When I could breathe once again without the hitch of agonizing sobs I asked him softly .. why .. why did he do this to me ... what did he want from me?

He spoke low against my ear so that I would know the importance of his words and feel the meaning of them in places beyond my mind ... he touched my soul when he said simply ...

'Where I need you to go .. you can carry no doubts.'

Blood, sweat and tears

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

Among the first fires tempers had seemed to run rampant the past hand or so. Feelings had been hurt and age old friendships strained to the yoke. It was not a place I needed to be, knowing my own ability to hold my ire. I was barely restraining mine as it was and was almost surging at the rein to turn the bitch switch loose. I think that is part of what made it so good to run into an old friend of mine and Tao's.

Caleb was the boy that used to pull my hair when we were young to get my attention. I had to admit that he had grown up to be quite a good looking young warrior. Even the scars hadn't affected the smoothness of his cheeks but those eyes ... now there he seemed to look through to your soul in a lazy sort of way. I enjoyed talking to him. In fact we spent many ahns through the night just chatting about nothing at all and all of the things that mattered to both of us. The parts you rarely share with anyone but always wished you could.

Where I was right this moment in my life he had an understanding of and an acceptance. Reasons he listened to, excuses he turned aside with such an ease it disturbed me. He cupped his hands beneath mine and told me not to forget what was important. I stared at him. The familiarity was unsettling. There had been someone else that had said almost the same thing when I first came to the fires. It created a constriction in my chest that was not going to go away soon. Not a bad thing just something that stayed with me even after I bid him a good evening later and went on my way.

The next day wasn't met with enough rest to be any more gracious than the day before. Testy would have been a good descriptive. One of the women had not been following directions to take care of herself so she could gain strength to tend to her family. Too stubborn to realize she was doing them no good by wearing herself down. I was on my way to rap some sense into that hard head and mulling over the things that Caleb had said when Orahjinn stepped in front of me. I growled at him to stand aside or pitch in and help but I did not have time for idle chit chat.

Then he said three words that stopped me dead in my tracks ...

I need you.

Searching for

“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.” Lao Tzu

Whatever the sky had planned for me, it was not going to be a mate and a mother of smooth cheeked warrior's, at least not to the Ubar. It wasn't going to be as a Haruspex, at least not as a manipulator of the elements. Even I had to admire the irony that I had stood my ground with two Supreme Commanders of this tribe, that the fire had saved all that belonged to me while so many others suffered great losses but in return I was losing myself. The sky was laughing and I found no humor there.

It felt like a cane thrust in front of my boots when Ayguili told me that someone else would now be in charge of seeing to the distributions from his store wagons among the harigga. Quite simply, The Ubara would see to those that had needs. Was there so little of me invested that I could feel lost in that small absence? Was this how so many others felt?

It felt like an unrequited yearning to be some vital part of the whole and having yet to find it. I think that was what Sanhka had been trying to say and now I realized I had let him down. He and many others. There was a deep need to be of help. Not just that but for what we had to offer to actually be accepted. It was a voice I heard through the Tribe that sang with the ones I held inside .. a silent one.

I began to push myself beginning the day after I woke. I made sure I ate well enough keep my body healthy despite not being able to to eat bosk just yet. I walked among the new harigga to the point where my body protested then I would rest and begin again. Sleep was a rhythm to rebuild stores of energy to carry on. I could be of no good to anyone if I was not first good to myself. I was needed somewhere. I just did not know where nor how just yet.

The fires of my clan was a disturbing quiet. I spoke with few and of that left no evidence I had been there or where my journey was going. It was the same of my family's wagons and those of the first fires. The importance was that most were accounted for and were beginning to pick up the pieces.

All but one.

There were very few that knew or understood how close I felt to my cousin. I missed him ways I couldn't begin to speak of even before the fire and now ... now I was not going to give up believing he was out there .. somewhere. I would find him. He would become my reason for continuing even when I wasn't sure I could.

A part of a Haruspex' teachings are healing, life and death. I sought one of the healers, Kaeli, to see what she might need. Bandages and salves were running low for starters. There were plenty of herbs and medicines but the fire had ruined most of the base they used. Grandmother's herd of verr was going to have a value finally. The layer of cream from their milk could be strained and worked into a lotion. An extra shearing of the soft underbellies would provide wool to make new gauze. Among my Mother's wagons, the displaced women and children began filling pails with milk and separating cream or taught to card wool and weave it to make the layers of wispy fabric that would protect burns and wounds.

Among the outer fires there were vast numbers injured that had still not been seen. It wasn't that physicians were too scarce or unwilling. The outer wagons felt the healers already had too much to do for them to be selfish and make them stop what they were doing for others. Stubbornness. Pride. Call it what you will, they were not being seen to as they needed. Here was something I could do. Kaeli touched on something else ... there were a few that were in such pain their minds could not encompass it all.

I knew Kaeli was trying to bolster my confidence. She told me she felt I had strengths as a Haruspex. That my chosen path takes pieces of thoughts and puts them together into focus in ways few others are unable to understand. She said that all skills regardless of clan are honed with time and experience. I was actually listening when she told me she knew that putting pieces of dreams together is not easy and it took a skill that would not be mastered overnight. See, I am not a Dream Master like Fonce is. I walk the Realm where the body meets the mind, where thought forms the action. For once I didn't argue with her but told her I would keep in mind what she was saying and then she added gently that of everything that had been on my mind .. the sky had not promised that what I could do would help anyone ... right now.

When I headed off for the back wagons, there was a bittersweet clinch in my chest. It was the one place I felt I could be of help. Maybe there .. in the darkest shadows of the ravages of pain I could ease some of their sufferings.

And there while I was losing myself in helping others ... I could search for Tao.

Chances are ...

I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my own breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there

A basket of jars filled with verr cream was an opportunity to sit with Kaeli while we made salves. I can honestly say that I have enjoyed my time with her lately. It felt good to have someone to talk to. Never really know what the subject will be but it is a sure cinch that it will be something interesting. There is always a risk of adventure with her too. Fate did not let me down when an old friend of hers rode up.

I was sort of taken aback that he was not a Tuchuk warrior but someone she knew from the Kataii camp. He held his shield out to her letting her know it needed repairs and cleaning. Good woman she is asked him didn't he have a slave that could do that for him. I was trying not to laugh even when after a short dialog probing the healer for more than her friendship he spun around on his heel and walked back to his wagon because he didn't get what he wanted.

When did plains' Mothers teach their sons that this was an acceptable behaviour rather than dealing with things straight forward and to the point? Find the one that started all that and throttle her. I lost interest and respect then and there and was on my way back to Mother's wagons when the drums began to send out a message to the Tribe.

The announcement was for Fonce and Seveya and it made my heart soar inside for them both. They would be together at last. I may not know much about the artisan but I have seen evidence of her on my friend and mentor. She leaks from his pores in a way that he breathes in life once more. I would have to find something suitable to give them for their mating but it wasn't a search for a gift that set my heels to action. I was racing through the lanes in a panic for a far different purpose. I had to hurry before the last beat of the drum would sound.

Managing to burst through the flap of Aunt's wagon just before the last of the rumbling tones filtered through the harigga, I intentionally knocked over her bowl. The contents of herbs and delicacies scattered across the floor still smoking and leaking residues into the wood.

"What do you want child?'

"Nothing my elder but to spend a bit of time with you. Didn't you tell me you had something you wanted to show me when I got time?"

"Thisssss is not the time."

"Then consider it a personal favor ..

Time

watching through windows--
you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--
if you're lost... you can look--
and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--
I'll be waiting
time after time

The smaller of my two wagons was almost completely emptied. I had made it a time consumption to see the salves and medicines to the healers clan. The herbs and potions to refurbish those lost by the Haruspex clans. It had begun to echo a bit inside .. a comforting sound in its way.

When it was done I would give it back to Grandmother .. to Mother or someone who needed it. My personal wagon Sabra and her mate were using. When I did manage to make my way back to Grandmother's circle I would creep into Mother's wagon amid the slumbering waifs she was taking in.

Here was a place that families could seek their missing sons and daughters. It was such a wonderful sight to see those reunions of open arms and tears of joy. Empty places being filled with happiness.

One of the last arm loads of medicines was taken to the first fires to be dropped off when I ran into Kaeli. There is a bond between us that I would be hard pressed to put into words. You cannot fight so passionately .. together .. not to find some kindred spirit between you but that is what being Tribe is all about. With Kaeli, we had somewhere along the way connected and Iwere growing closer.

The banter was a ritual one at first. How are you .. your family? How are you doing? That is a different question altogether. One is physical, the other is psychological. Healing is the answer to both. It is slow but it is continual. It takes time.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds and it will do it when it is good and ready I'm afraid to say.

Once Seveya joined us the topic began to change not to what has been .. but what we can do. The disaster was behind us but there was still so much that needed to be done.

Now that I had made my decision not to return to the clan, I had much more time on my hands. With Kaeli's help I could tend to some of those at the back wagons, change bandages, apply salves. Charm .. the more serious into seeking more professional aid.
There are enough verr among Grandmother's herds to produce verr cream salves. It would help replace some of the binders for the balms the healer's were running out of. Seveya said once her hands were free of their own gauze mitts she would come and help.

I liked that. It gave me a sense of purpose .. a sense of tomorrow and because of that I could carry that chin held high .. it is going to be OK .. with me and spread it every where I could.

I finally broke down and cried when Seveya brought me a beautiful shawl she had made for with her own hands. I looked at the bandages on them and touched the beading. She said it was for all I had done for her when she lost her things. Did she have any idea how much it meant .. not because she was saying thank you but ... because it came at a moment I felt the most alone I have ever felt in the world. Like a tidbit of absolution for being responsible for the devastation. A margin of forgiveness for failing everyone as a Haruspex. As a salve because I was not enough woman to make a relationship work. I hugged them. I hugged them both and kept hugging them until something finally felt whole inside.

Love.

The Spirit of what we are .. Togetherness .. I knew what that last element Tarra had tried to explain to me was now.

The Heart.

Realizing none of us had eaten much since .. well since, I made a plate fo fruit for us to share. The pickings are meager for some things and all I could find was a red fruit and a larma. I told them not to let the men know we had been eating larma together .. it might disturb a few of their dreams. It just made us laugh. Wonderful healing laughter.

Kaeli thought that the men were probably too busy to have those kinds of thoughts lately and somewhere secretly I wished for them to be able to enjoy such small things as winsome thoughts. No, not necessarily of me or Kaeli or Seveya but to have time to think and to do and to live something other than so much desolation. There has to be good things in life to look forward to.

Kaeli said something that struck me. She usually does but I don't fight hearing it as much any more. She said we knew that it is the women that need to come together to help the Tribe get past this tragedy? I was learning this and I mentioned that it was the strength of the women .. our determination ... our compassion and love that holds it together every day. She said just don't let the men know that .. they think it is them.

Oh damn, I swallowed hard on that one. I asked her if she could one day teach me more about that but I didn't need her to answer. Life was going to teach me that any way wasn't it because the seed had been planted.

There is a time for everything under the Sky.

All that matters

Come out, come out wherever you are
So lost in your sea
Give in, give in for my touch
For my taste, for my lust

Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me

Nightwish

When Ragar and Sabra approached Grandmother's wagon, my heart soared right there in my chest. My best friend was alive and safe as was her family. Crooked on the side of her hip was child about 4 months old .. a boy. Had it been that long since I had last seen her? The passage of time raced through my head. It had been almost two envars since Father died, almost an envar and a half since Ragar paid bride price for his woman and now almost half an envar since she had borne his first heir.

I smiled and hugged them all, then of course invited them to our fires for a meal. First son sat on a blanket near the fire with Sabra while she explained they hadn't wanted to impose but they had lost their wagons in the fire. It took a bit of delving to undertsand there was nothing left of their belongings. Ragar like many of the other men had pitched in to help but had injured his bow arm. Not good for a man of the hunters clan. He would heal but for now, they had nothing.

There was no question in my mind that they should make use of my wagon. It took a bit of convincing that it was for the best. They had a family and had a need and this was something I could do for them. I wanted to see them with a canvas over their head and have a chance to continue their lives, their family. I was not going to take no for an answer and if they were going to argue with me, they could deal with Grandmother. That hole card always works.

We lay on the blankets beneath the nightsky, stargazing and just talking among ourselves for half the night. Not about anything inparticular but touching the whole universe in some small way, no blade of grass undisturbed, no stone left cradled in the dirt. To me it was a precious gift Sabra and Ragar gave me, that and another gift of being able to watch them, both, together and with their son.

There was something in the way Ragar watched his mate and First Son that lit his face with contentment and when her eyes met his the connection between them became tangible as if you could have reached out to touch it. He never seemed to be a man that felt intimidated by her in any way even though she was a strong out going woman. To look at her with him, she seemed quiet and giving the way my Mother is.

Ragar was pleased that they never argued. They always agreed because their thoughts were so similar that what one felt so did the other. They gave to each other even in small moments in a way that completed the other like two halves of a whole, not on any even level but on one that was vital for them. If one rose to seek something, they brought to the other. The give and take among them was touching.

When First Son grasp the medalian his Father had given her and bounced it up and down laughing and bubbling things none of us could understand, the whole portrait made me want to jump up right then and there and find Seveya and drag her back demanding she paint this ... paint it on the wagons, paint it on the sky and find a way to say this is beautiful. This is perfect.

I dont want to sound as if I was envious of them in any way. I didnt feel any covet for what they had. It was theirs and it was strong enough and lasting enough to spill over on anyone around them. I think it was like finding a delicate wildflower growing in a barren place. Rare and precious but to pluck it selfishly would be an end. I found myself happy for them in a way I do not have words to describe.

They had lost everything but held dear all that mattered to them .. they had each other.

Sabra wished for me a life like she had, the same happiness that she had found with her mate. Thank you honestly, but no thank you. I had to confide that there was a joy inside that radiated their warmth but this was not what I was looking for, not for my own life. Parts of it yes but not in such pristine sweet perfections, not songs of the singers pretty that takes only the good to shine the lanterns on. I wanted love to be real. To be able to experience the good and the bad, to laugh and to argue, to give and receive ... not always in equal proportions but the ones that work ... to encompass it all and still endure.

And right now I wasn't looking for any of that anyway.

"Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
I Cor XIII:IV-VII

Fragile

“But tomorrow, dawn will come the way I picture her,
barefoot and disheveled, standing outside my window
in one of the fragile cotton dresses of the poor.
She will look in at me with her thin arms extended,
offering a handful of birdsong and a small cup of light.”

"Can a man and a woman that disagree over important things without freedom to speak of them have a chance at happiness?"

"Yes, but not if that is something that one of you sees as a freedom you cannot live without. You .. You have to decide if that freedom is something that submits to your love of the other person or if it is something that requires its freedom .. this ability to speak .. to argue .. to disagree with him. Only you can tell yourself how important that freedom is to you."

"I cannot lose who I am .. the important parts of me. I will not change what I believe in even in the name of love." That was something he could respect. That was important to me .. respect. The giving and the earning. I could agree to disagree but not to give up my ability to have an opinion.

"I want nothing more than your happiness, Mezoo, no that is not true, I want something even more .. for you to never lose you .. who you are. I like Mezoo. I like who she is and selfishly .. I do not want to lose her." I promised that I would do all that I could to keep that promise and in the same breath I asked .. If I do lose her .. will you help me find her? The answer came with a huge grin, "Without a doubt."

His happiness meant the world to me too. But I would not ask the same of him and he wanted to know why. Why would I not exact such a promise from him as well .. not to lose himself .. not to change. It was easy to answer. That was a decision he had to make for himself whether he would wish to change or to remain stead fast in who and what he was right that moment. I left him that option .. that choice to make on his own. It was the same courtesy he had offered moments before.

I had told him I wanted and needed .. to be the woman I am .. to change for no one. Those were my words. My beliefs. He was simply asking me to keep that promise .. as much to myself as it was to him. I did tell him as an after thought to go ahead ... change ... I would find a way to love him still and probably stumble all over everything he held precious in doing so. He laughed.

That conversation was my solid ground in the best of times and the worst of them.

I held onto it as I spoke with Ayguili later.

"You are still angry with me."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement as if it were a fact. I started to give the details of all that went behind my thoughts but knew that the words would fall on deaf ears. I was tired. I was weak. I was worried. My hesitation flared something inside the man. If I did not want to talk then he could take me to Grandmother's. I probably should have simply let him.

"No ... not angry." All the tension that rose in him instantly caught me off guard. Made me feel defensive, fragile. It was to be a rehash of an argument for the sake of a new one. With the last of the breath I could summon from the ravages of my lungs I told him that he is a good Ubar. He was what this tribe needed. His efforts have made vast changes for good among our people. I had no answers .. I loved him. He loved me and I didn't know what else he nor I could add.

"I want nothing more than for you to be happy Mezoo."

And even in that moment I needed him to reach out and take my hand and tell me that everything was going to be alright. That there was hope not only for our Tribe, for our clans and for our families but for ... us. "I want nothing more than for you to be happy Mezoo." He told me he was setting me free. He would see me instilled in a place where I had the love and support of family. I leaned forward cupping his cheeks in my hands and kissed him with the lingering of my breath with his as I told him I would always love him. Great sky I loved him .. and it wasn't enough.

It was over and we both knew it.

I was going to come out the bad guy in all of it because I was a woman that would not love ... too much, because I was not going to give away who I am and what I believe even in the name of love.

I couldn't just be fragile.

I want to be but I have to be strong. I need to be and I can't be but in so many ways ... I am. Strong and Fragile. I'm a woman with all the ups and downs and rights and wrongs there is to go with that.

I hate feeling that I could be .. fragile.