Insinuations

Today I sit looking at the fires wondering where in all that has transpired in the past hand did ... Tribe above all ... go?

Grandmother's timing and wisdom to send my wagon forward among the main fires was on a scale of a Haruspex herself. Her concern for Cana and her children had been the bottom line reasoning. When I had conveyed to her the fact that the Ubara had come to a point in facing this ... this whatever it was that invaded her nights that she feared her own existence and more so that it would affect her children there was no hesitation.

Mezoo, you go. Do what you can.

Fear is a powerful force especially when it touches the very makeup of our survival. The Ubara was facing her own mortality. We were all aware that Fonce had been consulted to help with the night terror. We had faith in him. Grandmother did, I did, and Cana as well but time was slipping away. There was no question that I would try to be of help. A world without her was not conceivable. I would not stand by idly and see her slide through our fingers. Nor would I see the safety of innocents left to fall by the way side. I did not have to be Tuchuk for that to stir deep within me. There is nothing greater than the well being of my Tribe,

I would, if need be, take the bosk by the horns.

One would have thought it was a high priority. It is what we stand for ... this standing together for one another ... isn't it? Is that not what the past envar of petitioning to be a part of the first fires was all about learning?

I am incensed over the whys of the past hand but my query is still the same.

Ayguili caught my hand to pull me to the saddle with him. He was silent and that alone sent every warning signal I had to full alert. We rode across the plains as if the demon of Cana's dreams were chasing us and in some twisted sort of way perhaps it was. If it was a apparition of mean-spiritedness to try and destroy the way of life we live on the plains, if it was the epitome of egocentricism then it was gaining on us hard and fast.

Egocentricism is a learned response ... “I am struggling to survive against the world” (the mantra) then becomes the core theme of our relationships with others and ourselves. Of every relationship we ask the question, “Are you out to hurt me or to help me?” We are so focused on ourselves that what others need or want is relevant only when it furthers our own needs and wants.

The Victim position is one of powerlessness, hopelessness, and despair. The pain of the Victim position drives the entire cycle. Because we cannot tolerate constantly feeling like Victims, we find ways to gain a sense of control. Without it, we scarcely cope.

The Self-protector is one of the two ways we pretend to gain control. Through either withdrawal from others or offensive self-protective measures, we feel more power over our fear. Self protectors are sometimes seen as angry with a chip on their shoulder.

The Rescuer is traditionally cast as the opposite of the Self-protector. Rescuers, believing themselves to be the “good guys” in the dynamic, do the same things Self-protectors do: they try to gain control through the illusion of power. Rescuers take care of others and make sure no one sees how ashamed and powerless they feel.

Ownership is the opposite of the Victim role. Through Ownership of our lives, we regain a sense of personal power and competence. Ownership is taking action, doing something overt to move toward positive change in our relationships. It means recognizing that we alone are responsible for the quality of our own lives. We cannot control other people’s reactions or needs (that would be rescuing), and we cannot push our needs and wants onto others (that would be self-protection). Insistence on control is an addiction to a fantasy. Through Ownership, we discover true personal empowerment.

Empathy is the opposite of the Self-protector role. Empathy requires leaving our protective shell and stepping into someone else’s shoes. Our boundaries must flex enough to let us see another person’s point of view and emotions. It is not enough, however, to feel empathy for others. We must also express empathy for ourselves. In fact, before experiencing empathy for others, we must first offer it to ourselves. Self-Empathy is recognizing we are individuals worthy of understanding and compassion. By accepting that our defensive nature is a result not of our badness, but of our woundedness, we can then approach others on stable and even ground.

Respect is the opposite of the Rescuer. Rescuers do not respect victims. When we jump in and “take care of things” for someone, we show them we do not respect their ability to manage their own lives or even choose the desired outcome. We rob them of Ownership of their problems and circumstances. Self-respect is as important as respect for others. Respecting ourselves, we don’t allow someone to do for us what we can do for ourselves.

In all that had come about this past hand here was the crux of the issues. Respect had been thrown to the wind. First and foremost Ayguili whether he held my heart or not was and still is the Ubar. He holds the responsibility for the well being of the Tribe. His word IS the law. He is a compassionate and reasonable man. Much could have been diverted before coming to such a festering head, had anyone involved merely come to him first with level heads and be rational enough to work through the problem.

The second was not one person took time to look at how any one else thought or felt. The view points of anyone other than self was tossed to the way side and in many ways not merely stepped on but ground beneath the sole until it was surely pulverized and no trace left behind to rear its head again.

The third was no one taking ownership of any responsibility for their own actions much less how it would effect the Tribe as a whole.

Will I discuss what transpired?

no

It is not really all that important in the grand scheme of things is it?

Just the aftermath left behind of it all.

The Tribe still lives and breathes and faces the future as a whole despite the fact that some have insinuated themselves into situations as above the law ... as more important.

Cana still faces her dreams. Her children are still under the protection of the Haruspex, their family and those that love and care for them.

And I have learned that my cousin, Pei, will be the one that will speak to Ayguili of my future and not Fonce.

This was the point that brought me to sit at the fires staring into the embers and ash pondering it all.