Time to grow

... passed.


The sliver of sleep I caught was in no way enough to carry me through the day. I could not shake the heaviness of lethargy that cloaked every thought, every movement the next morning.

I had a test with Orahjinn today and I needed to be at my best.

Blackwine was the answer many sought so I stumbled to the fires hoping there may be some of that magic potion brewing. There wasn't. I should have paid more attention to such a small task as knowing how to make it. I knew how in the smaller kettles at Grandmothers fires but not this over sized contraption that swung from its hook over the main fires. How hard could it be? It never dawned on me that my formula could have been drastically wrong when I took that first taste ... it was horrible so I added creams and more sugars and more sugars and finally dumped half a bag in the cup. It still didn't help.

Yamka came to my rescue to fix a bowl for me so that when she asked I could honestly say it tasted ... better. I was not awake enough to sit and find common ground with her. A long time back there had been a line drawn in the sand between us. I didn't draw it but I'd tried time and again to cross it without much progress. Today we were both trying and in a way it seemed as if part of the line was fading. I wanted it too, I was willing it to. If only I could find my way beyond this fog.

Asria cut through the haze with the cheerfulness of her greeting but it only served to make my head pound. She needed me. That made me smile until I found out why. The news she shared was good, she had decided to be part of the singer's clan and needed to go speak with them of her decision. How wonderful. Could I watch First Son? Of course ... oh wait ... what?? Me? Brave up Mezoo ... say sure. I did despite every warning signal clanging in my head.

Karvek wandered to the fires looking a lot like I must have when I arrived but for whole different reasons. He was good with children so I leaned to ask in a most conspiratorial way if he would help me with Trayu's son. Probably a bit too soon for him. His heart still weighs heavy from much of those events in the past hand that I refuse to talk about. A lot of that is because I do not know the details ... just a jumble of rumors. Even if someone sat me down to tell me all that had happened it would still be hearsay or one sided wouldn't it? I wasn't there.

Here I was thinking I had erased a few lines when Tarra and Sahli spoke off to the side and even from this distance you could see they parted ways without kisses and hugs.

There were just all these lines in the sand to mark where it had happened. One couldn't take a step anywhere that didn't have a line to cross, a side to take, someones feelings to stumble over. If nothing else I would shield Trayu son from all that by spending a day in my wagon, singing, playing, getting whopped with a rattle, doing what ever I could and it not be enough to ease him when he started crying until he cried himself to sleep. By the time I got relaxed enough watching him slumber so peacefully that I felt it beginning to lure me in too, Magda arrived to take him off my hands. I felt a disappointment there and at the same time I was ready to vow never .. ever would I have any children of my own. I had the argument already set in my head for Ayg when I saw him again.

I love you but ... no children ... nope ... nuh uh, not any time soon!

There was a few ehn before I was to meet with clan so I was hurrying through the lanes toward Mother's circle of wagons when Pacu caught me and drew me aside. He was so serious when he told me I couldn't go there. He said I could not talk to Grandmother or Pei or even Tao. What?? He said, this whole thing had taken its toll on the family and because I sided with Ayguili they didn't want to talk to me. What did I do? I didn't side with anyone. I didn't ... want to side with anyone. What I wanted was for things to be just as they had been ... before.

I would see what Mother had to say about all of this .. what Fonce had to say. He shook his head. They were not going to talk to me until Ayguili came to talk with them first.

This was absurd. It was ludicrous. I was straining to get past his arm because I could see Grandmother in the distance. She was with Seveya then they turned and walked away. He was not going to let me pass.

"Its your fault Mezoo ... if you hadn't brought him here then none of this would have happened. Go back to ... him."

I finally eased from my brother's arm to look at him with every bit of confusion, frustration and hurt I knew how to feel. I stood there watching as he walked back to the wagons.

I didn't know what to say.

I didn't know what to think.

This could not be true ... none of it ... not one single solitary bit ...

I wouldn't know that he might have been kidding ... a boy of some thirteen passings' joke ... retaliation for my letting him believe he was in trouble with the Ubar? I wouldn't know that maybe he was trying to be a big warrior with all the wrong information to base decisions on? I wouldn't know if he believed that because Aunt Issu had submitted, Tzuri and now ... another ... that maybe he thought that was how it was supposed to be ... that maybe I was going to as well ... and that this ... this was his way of handling it all.

I wouldn't know anything except that I was late meeting Orahjinn and one thing you do not do ... is keep a Haruspex waiting. The only thing I knew for sure was my mind was blown apart and there wasn't enough sand to fill the crevices and there wasn't enough glue to put it all back together with right now.

I ran to the fires of the clan through a heavy mist that stung my face and made it all puffy and red.