Searching for

“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.” Lao Tzu

Whatever the sky had planned for me, it was not going to be a mate and a mother of smooth cheeked warrior's, at least not to the Ubar. It wasn't going to be as a Haruspex, at least not as a manipulator of the elements. Even I had to admire the irony that I had stood my ground with two Supreme Commanders of this tribe, that the fire had saved all that belonged to me while so many others suffered great losses but in return I was losing myself. The sky was laughing and I found no humor there.

It felt like a cane thrust in front of my boots when Ayguili told me that someone else would now be in charge of seeing to the distributions from his store wagons among the harigga. Quite simply, The Ubara would see to those that had needs. Was there so little of me invested that I could feel lost in that small absence? Was this how so many others felt?

It felt like an unrequited yearning to be some vital part of the whole and having yet to find it. I think that was what Sanhka had been trying to say and now I realized I had let him down. He and many others. There was a deep need to be of help. Not just that but for what we had to offer to actually be accepted. It was a voice I heard through the Tribe that sang with the ones I held inside .. a silent one.

I began to push myself beginning the day after I woke. I made sure I ate well enough keep my body healthy despite not being able to to eat bosk just yet. I walked among the new harigga to the point where my body protested then I would rest and begin again. Sleep was a rhythm to rebuild stores of energy to carry on. I could be of no good to anyone if I was not first good to myself. I was needed somewhere. I just did not know where nor how just yet.

The fires of my clan was a disturbing quiet. I spoke with few and of that left no evidence I had been there or where my journey was going. It was the same of my family's wagons and those of the first fires. The importance was that most were accounted for and were beginning to pick up the pieces.

All but one.

There were very few that knew or understood how close I felt to my cousin. I missed him ways I couldn't begin to speak of even before the fire and now ... now I was not going to give up believing he was out there .. somewhere. I would find him. He would become my reason for continuing even when I wasn't sure I could.

A part of a Haruspex' teachings are healing, life and death. I sought one of the healers, Kaeli, to see what she might need. Bandages and salves were running low for starters. There were plenty of herbs and medicines but the fire had ruined most of the base they used. Grandmother's herd of verr was going to have a value finally. The layer of cream from their milk could be strained and worked into a lotion. An extra shearing of the soft underbellies would provide wool to make new gauze. Among my Mother's wagons, the displaced women and children began filling pails with milk and separating cream or taught to card wool and weave it to make the layers of wispy fabric that would protect burns and wounds.

Among the outer fires there were vast numbers injured that had still not been seen. It wasn't that physicians were too scarce or unwilling. The outer wagons felt the healers already had too much to do for them to be selfish and make them stop what they were doing for others. Stubbornness. Pride. Call it what you will, they were not being seen to as they needed. Here was something I could do. Kaeli touched on something else ... there were a few that were in such pain their minds could not encompass it all.

I knew Kaeli was trying to bolster my confidence. She told me she felt I had strengths as a Haruspex. That my chosen path takes pieces of thoughts and puts them together into focus in ways few others are unable to understand. She said that all skills regardless of clan are honed with time and experience. I was actually listening when she told me she knew that putting pieces of dreams together is not easy and it took a skill that would not be mastered overnight. See, I am not a Dream Master like Fonce is. I walk the Realm where the body meets the mind, where thought forms the action. For once I didn't argue with her but told her I would keep in mind what she was saying and then she added gently that of everything that had been on my mind .. the sky had not promised that what I could do would help anyone ... right now.

When I headed off for the back wagons, there was a bittersweet clinch in my chest. It was the one place I felt I could be of help. Maybe there .. in the darkest shadows of the ravages of pain I could ease some of their sufferings.

And there while I was losing myself in helping others ... I could search for Tao.