Fair Weather Friends

Standing on the shoulders of Giants

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly,

who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement,

and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

Teddy Roosevelt

Witnessing the first Ubar's Congress I knew it was a precedence that this Tribe has never known in my lifetime. There was the beginning of one voice emerging from within the harigga and it had begun with the Ubar's himself. His love and concern for his people filled my chest with such fierce pride, there was little room for anything else.

With the Ubara at his left and his Second in Command at his right, he sat and listened to the hearts of the Tribe, finding solutions to worries, to soothe their fears and offer them chance to come together, leading them to participate in the safety and well being of one another.

To Hear and To be heard.

This Tribe and its dedication to one another began to solidify into a tangible essence.

Amid the gentle downpour of the blessing of rain ... a great people came together standing on the shoulders of giants as one voice and it was going to create a rumble across the plains that none could deny they had heard.

A grasp at humanity

A dream is something all your own to keep within your heart
To build on when you're glad or when your world's been torn apart
A dream is something all your own that no one else can steal
A dream is something you can make come real

Now you can share a laugh with any stranger on the street
And you can share your money with a beggar on the street
But you can only share your dream when love has set it free
So please, won't you share yours with me?

May all your dreams bloom like daisies in the sun
May you always have stars in your eyes
May you not stop running on until your race is won
May you always have blue skies

Tarra was leaving just as I arrived at the fires. I felt a tinge of regret that she would not be someone I could speak with this night. The taut jawed departure of Fonce with the artisan was another disappointment. The want to talk with someone of the earlier ahns faded to a quiet throughout the rest of the eve. Noya's twins captivated the fires. Cana spoke with Chabi about the gift of a kaiila. It is a memory that lasts us forever ... that first feeling of freedom .. feeling of prominence within the Tribe.

Hisself took up a stance of expectancy waiting for the sweet he knew I kept stashed somewhere. He helped me fish through the my pockets .. simply knowing he would find his reward in one of them. I liked that ... that belief that good things came to those that were willing to take them. It is what Tuchuks are made of.

Ongel was explaining to Noya that Natalia had developed an aversion to baths. Noya and I were both quick to offer intervention and plans were made to douse all of the children in soap suds the next day. We would make it fun and put the little Miss "I am in charge" in charge then wait and watch while the other children were having a raucous good time for her to want to join in. Perfect scheme. It would work and we knew it.

Cana asked if any had seen the sleen man. The affectionate term made me smile thinking of him. When I told her I hadn't seen Oggie in quite some time, she questioned the nickname I had for him. The explanation made her grow quiet but it left a reminiscence of him dancing in my thoughts.

It was easy to appease myself by soaking up a coating of the vitality of youth and all the exuberance of the boy sitting in my lap. His braid pulling, dried fruit sugar coated kisses and being precociously demanding of my time and attention until he wore himself out and fell asleep right there in my arms was welcome.

Rising from the brace of furs with the boy cradled in my arms, I asked Noya if it was alright if I stayed with her and the children that night. Mother's wagon was brimming beyond capacity and Natalia and Niyati were wriggle worms when they slept. I had enough bruises on my shins to prove it. Ongel insisted on checking those out and we laughed that all he could see of my ankles was the leather chap of my boots. I teased him that he needed to have his eyes checked if he couldn't see the black and blue marks his girls had left. He said maybe some things just blind him. I beckoned him closer inspecting them with what healer training I had, then told him quietly there was nothing wrong with his eyes ... they just needed rest.

When I lay Hisself down on his pallet beneath the stars, I curled up next to him. That peach fuzz softness of his skin brought the former part of the day back to mind. He stirred and lifted his lashes long enough to make sure I was there then smiled as he snuggled in closer. I watched him sleep for a long time before I could find my own. I wondered what dreams fluttered behind those tiny eyelids.

Unnatural

Everytime that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face gettin clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dust to dawn
Isnt that the way
Everybodys got their dues in life to pay
I know what nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know its everybodys sin
You got to lose to know how to win
Half my life is in books written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know its true
All the things come back to you
Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away
Dream on, dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true.

Peach fuzz moistness of his youthful skin inviting, still vital, so tentative just beneath my touch but not quite. My mouth so close I could have touched them to the little bow. Feeling the soft exhales warmth breathe across my face. A flutter of lashes with the movement of somnolent visions just under the surface .. dancing to a tempo no one else could hear .. dreams. No not a dream. Not here, but not gone. Not awake, but neither sleeping. Not alive yet a margin's escape from the beckon of the skies.

Looking up over the sleeping form of the boy I found the gaze of the elder. It was then I made the cognizant decision not to make the invasion of an innocence. Not to begin the unholy formation of threesome. Not at this moment. It was not yet time but soon ... soon. It was not going to be like the rape of the slave. She had at one time welcomed such and the outcome accepted but this one .. this one knew nothing of the impending pervasion. He was still virginal, pristine .. untainted. I whispered his name against the shell of his ear .. Djorian. How I would have savored the precise moment his eyes flew open wide with such a closeness, to be aware of my presence and even know the horror of such intimacy. I could not bring myself to make the violation. Not yet. I would but .. not yet. It was only a matter of time now.

I rose from my hover just over the tiny listless form without ever letting my eyes pull away from the elder's. He held no qualms of the ravage of one so young. It was written on the stoic features ... masked amid the expectation. I would return to this one ... for ... this one and he knew it.

Fire Starter

"Walk into the fire with all your fears of being burned and shedding tears. Walk into the fire with eyes open wide. Don't try to run away, Don't try to hide. Feel the intense heat, feel your body sweat. Expose the fears you know and the ones you haven't met. Let your shield melt in the fire's blazing flames. You no longer have to hide or be a prisoner to shame. Walk into the fire in your state of being weak. Let the fire subdue you, let it be your defeat. Let the old flesh burn away. Let the smoke rise in the air. Let your apathy dissipate, let your heart start to care"

We rode a few ahns away from the harigga in an eerie silence. I pondered during the time what could be of such importance that Orahjinn would come to me this way and still there needled in the back of my head that concept Caleb had talked about .. suspended weightlessness of the mind. The need to let go .. to find peace and rest. Not a rest so much of the body but of the spirit.
I wanted that.

I needed that.

I yearned for it like nothing I had ever wanted before.

Then we stopped in a barren strip of a rain run off and my mentor was already dismounting. It brought my thoughts back to here and now to turn in the saddle and look at him. 'What is so important that you needed me?'

'Start a fire.'

It was a warm night but the temperature often drops a little during the later ahns even on the hottest eves. Fishing through my saddle bag I found a few chips to stack together. Perhaps once we settled in around the fire, he would tell me what he had on his mind. I tried to hide the shaking of my hands as I sparked the flint against the dung. As the first of the flame began the breeze whispered against the flicker softly extinquishing it.

'Start a fire, Mezoo.'

The tremble almost skittered the flint striker from my fingers. I was trying if he would just have patience with me. Couldn't he see that? Again and again the wind blew the flame out until I sat back becoming irritated. I tried over and over again until the frustration quivered the lower part of my lip to mirror the shaking of my hands.

'Even a novice can do it, Mezoo. Start a fire.'

A mantra began on the silence of my tongue, screaming on the quiet of the wind that continued to defy my progress. Why are you doing this to me? What do you want? The chips crumbled to dust and the wind whisked them away in a breath of air. I was growing angry and threw the flint on the ground trying to give up.

'Do it .. do it now!'

The span of my fingers wide at the circle and the force of ire cast shards of spark into the night but it fizzed and piffed as if it mocked me the same way Orahjinn seemed to. I sent a dotted line of miniature flame warriors dancing across the ground toward him circling with a battle cry threatening to engulf his boots and legs. One breath blew them into a stillness and they dissapated in tiny wisps.

'Is that all you have .. is it all you can do?'

His taunt fueled a fury, his chides piqued the very core of my rage. A flashpoint split the plains and I brought the wall of fire with me, stepping from it livid with a fire in my eyes to match it all. I would raze him from the prairie and be done with this game.

'What do you want from me??'

'Is this what it felt like when you set the plains on fire?'

The night went silent and the flames vanished in an instant. I blinked away the sting of tears. I blinked at how cold and callous he seemed to appear at this moment, how nonchalantly he had rent me open and spilled every ugly secret I kept so carefully tucked away onto the ground and watched it seep into the fissures.

Was there any voice to carry to him in the whisper of breath I gave him?

'No.'

'Think. This is what it feels like. This is what it takes from you Mezoo. It is this much effort that comes from the depth of your anger to create such a holocaust and still ... this is nothing by comparison to the flames that drenched the harigga.'

The dawning was slowly beginning to sink inside the pain ... the anger .. the confusion. I had not set the fire. I had not started the flames that had taken such toll on our people. I felt myself crumpling and the strong arms that caught and held me while I emptied my soul in a spill of tears to cleanse away the sorrow. A guilt that I could no longer claim as my own was leaving and with it all of the strength that it had offered to keep me going. The self hatred, the loathe fading while he rested his cheek against my hair.

When I could breathe once again without the hitch of agonizing sobs I asked him softly .. why .. why did he do this to me ... what did he want from me?

He spoke low against my ear so that I would know the importance of his words and feel the meaning of them in places beyond my mind ... he touched my soul when he said simply ...

'Where I need you to go .. you can carry no doubts.'

Blood, sweat and tears

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

Among the first fires tempers had seemed to run rampant the past hand or so. Feelings had been hurt and age old friendships strained to the yoke. It was not a place I needed to be, knowing my own ability to hold my ire. I was barely restraining mine as it was and was almost surging at the rein to turn the bitch switch loose. I think that is part of what made it so good to run into an old friend of mine and Tao's.

Caleb was the boy that used to pull my hair when we were young to get my attention. I had to admit that he had grown up to be quite a good looking young warrior. Even the scars hadn't affected the smoothness of his cheeks but those eyes ... now there he seemed to look through to your soul in a lazy sort of way. I enjoyed talking to him. In fact we spent many ahns through the night just chatting about nothing at all and all of the things that mattered to both of us. The parts you rarely share with anyone but always wished you could.

Where I was right this moment in my life he had an understanding of and an acceptance. Reasons he listened to, excuses he turned aside with such an ease it disturbed me. He cupped his hands beneath mine and told me not to forget what was important. I stared at him. The familiarity was unsettling. There had been someone else that had said almost the same thing when I first came to the fires. It created a constriction in my chest that was not going to go away soon. Not a bad thing just something that stayed with me even after I bid him a good evening later and went on my way.

The next day wasn't met with enough rest to be any more gracious than the day before. Testy would have been a good descriptive. One of the women had not been following directions to take care of herself so she could gain strength to tend to her family. Too stubborn to realize she was doing them no good by wearing herself down. I was on my way to rap some sense into that hard head and mulling over the things that Caleb had said when Orahjinn stepped in front of me. I growled at him to stand aside or pitch in and help but I did not have time for idle chit chat.

Then he said three words that stopped me dead in my tracks ...

I need you.

Searching for

“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.” Lao Tzu

Whatever the sky had planned for me, it was not going to be a mate and a mother of smooth cheeked warrior's, at least not to the Ubar. It wasn't going to be as a Haruspex, at least not as a manipulator of the elements. Even I had to admire the irony that I had stood my ground with two Supreme Commanders of this tribe, that the fire had saved all that belonged to me while so many others suffered great losses but in return I was losing myself. The sky was laughing and I found no humor there.

It felt like a cane thrust in front of my boots when Ayguili told me that someone else would now be in charge of seeing to the distributions from his store wagons among the harigga. Quite simply, The Ubara would see to those that had needs. Was there so little of me invested that I could feel lost in that small absence? Was this how so many others felt?

It felt like an unrequited yearning to be some vital part of the whole and having yet to find it. I think that was what Sanhka had been trying to say and now I realized I had let him down. He and many others. There was a deep need to be of help. Not just that but for what we had to offer to actually be accepted. It was a voice I heard through the Tribe that sang with the ones I held inside .. a silent one.

I began to push myself beginning the day after I woke. I made sure I ate well enough keep my body healthy despite not being able to to eat bosk just yet. I walked among the new harigga to the point where my body protested then I would rest and begin again. Sleep was a rhythm to rebuild stores of energy to carry on. I could be of no good to anyone if I was not first good to myself. I was needed somewhere. I just did not know where nor how just yet.

The fires of my clan was a disturbing quiet. I spoke with few and of that left no evidence I had been there or where my journey was going. It was the same of my family's wagons and those of the first fires. The importance was that most were accounted for and were beginning to pick up the pieces.

All but one.

There were very few that knew or understood how close I felt to my cousin. I missed him ways I couldn't begin to speak of even before the fire and now ... now I was not going to give up believing he was out there .. somewhere. I would find him. He would become my reason for continuing even when I wasn't sure I could.

A part of a Haruspex' teachings are healing, life and death. I sought one of the healers, Kaeli, to see what she might need. Bandages and salves were running low for starters. There were plenty of herbs and medicines but the fire had ruined most of the base they used. Grandmother's herd of verr was going to have a value finally. The layer of cream from their milk could be strained and worked into a lotion. An extra shearing of the soft underbellies would provide wool to make new gauze. Among my Mother's wagons, the displaced women and children began filling pails with milk and separating cream or taught to card wool and weave it to make the layers of wispy fabric that would protect burns and wounds.

Among the outer fires there were vast numbers injured that had still not been seen. It wasn't that physicians were too scarce or unwilling. The outer wagons felt the healers already had too much to do for them to be selfish and make them stop what they were doing for others. Stubbornness. Pride. Call it what you will, they were not being seen to as they needed. Here was something I could do. Kaeli touched on something else ... there were a few that were in such pain their minds could not encompass it all.

I knew Kaeli was trying to bolster my confidence. She told me she felt I had strengths as a Haruspex. That my chosen path takes pieces of thoughts and puts them together into focus in ways few others are unable to understand. She said that all skills regardless of clan are honed with time and experience. I was actually listening when she told me she knew that putting pieces of dreams together is not easy and it took a skill that would not be mastered overnight. See, I am not a Dream Master like Fonce is. I walk the Realm where the body meets the mind, where thought forms the action. For once I didn't argue with her but told her I would keep in mind what she was saying and then she added gently that of everything that had been on my mind .. the sky had not promised that what I could do would help anyone ... right now.

When I headed off for the back wagons, there was a bittersweet clinch in my chest. It was the one place I felt I could be of help. Maybe there .. in the darkest shadows of the ravages of pain I could ease some of their sufferings.

And there while I was losing myself in helping others ... I could search for Tao.

Chances are ...

I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my own breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there

A basket of jars filled with verr cream was an opportunity to sit with Kaeli while we made salves. I can honestly say that I have enjoyed my time with her lately. It felt good to have someone to talk to. Never really know what the subject will be but it is a sure cinch that it will be something interesting. There is always a risk of adventure with her too. Fate did not let me down when an old friend of hers rode up.

I was sort of taken aback that he was not a Tuchuk warrior but someone she knew from the Kataii camp. He held his shield out to her letting her know it needed repairs and cleaning. Good woman she is asked him didn't he have a slave that could do that for him. I was trying not to laugh even when after a short dialog probing the healer for more than her friendship he spun around on his heel and walked back to his wagon because he didn't get what he wanted.

When did plains' Mothers teach their sons that this was an acceptable behaviour rather than dealing with things straight forward and to the point? Find the one that started all that and throttle her. I lost interest and respect then and there and was on my way back to Mother's wagons when the drums began to send out a message to the Tribe.

The announcement was for Fonce and Seveya and it made my heart soar inside for them both. They would be together at last. I may not know much about the artisan but I have seen evidence of her on my friend and mentor. She leaks from his pores in a way that he breathes in life once more. I would have to find something suitable to give them for their mating but it wasn't a search for a gift that set my heels to action. I was racing through the lanes in a panic for a far different purpose. I had to hurry before the last beat of the drum would sound.

Managing to burst through the flap of Aunt's wagon just before the last of the rumbling tones filtered through the harigga, I intentionally knocked over her bowl. The contents of herbs and delicacies scattered across the floor still smoking and leaking residues into the wood.

"What do you want child?'

"Nothing my elder but to spend a bit of time with you. Didn't you tell me you had something you wanted to show me when I got time?"

"Thisssss is not the time."

"Then consider it a personal favor ..

Time

watching through windows--
you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--
if you're lost... you can look--
and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--
I'll be waiting
time after time

The smaller of my two wagons was almost completely emptied. I had made it a time consumption to see the salves and medicines to the healers clan. The herbs and potions to refurbish those lost by the Haruspex clans. It had begun to echo a bit inside .. a comforting sound in its way.

When it was done I would give it back to Grandmother .. to Mother or someone who needed it. My personal wagon Sabra and her mate were using. When I did manage to make my way back to Grandmother's circle I would creep into Mother's wagon amid the slumbering waifs she was taking in.

Here was a place that families could seek their missing sons and daughters. It was such a wonderful sight to see those reunions of open arms and tears of joy. Empty places being filled with happiness.

One of the last arm loads of medicines was taken to the first fires to be dropped off when I ran into Kaeli. There is a bond between us that I would be hard pressed to put into words. You cannot fight so passionately .. together .. not to find some kindred spirit between you but that is what being Tribe is all about. With Kaeli, we had somewhere along the way connected and Iwere growing closer.

The banter was a ritual one at first. How are you .. your family? How are you doing? That is a different question altogether. One is physical, the other is psychological. Healing is the answer to both. It is slow but it is continual. It takes time.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds and it will do it when it is good and ready I'm afraid to say.

Once Seveya joined us the topic began to change not to what has been .. but what we can do. The disaster was behind us but there was still so much that needed to be done.

Now that I had made my decision not to return to the clan, I had much more time on my hands. With Kaeli's help I could tend to some of those at the back wagons, change bandages, apply salves. Charm .. the more serious into seeking more professional aid.
There are enough verr among Grandmother's herds to produce verr cream salves. It would help replace some of the binders for the balms the healer's were running out of. Seveya said once her hands were free of their own gauze mitts she would come and help.

I liked that. It gave me a sense of purpose .. a sense of tomorrow and because of that I could carry that chin held high .. it is going to be OK .. with me and spread it every where I could.

I finally broke down and cried when Seveya brought me a beautiful shawl she had made for with her own hands. I looked at the bandages on them and touched the beading. She said it was for all I had done for her when she lost her things. Did she have any idea how much it meant .. not because she was saying thank you but ... because it came at a moment I felt the most alone I have ever felt in the world. Like a tidbit of absolution for being responsible for the devastation. A margin of forgiveness for failing everyone as a Haruspex. As a salve because I was not enough woman to make a relationship work. I hugged them. I hugged them both and kept hugging them until something finally felt whole inside.

Love.

The Spirit of what we are .. Togetherness .. I knew what that last element Tarra had tried to explain to me was now.

The Heart.

Realizing none of us had eaten much since .. well since, I made a plate fo fruit for us to share. The pickings are meager for some things and all I could find was a red fruit and a larma. I told them not to let the men know we had been eating larma together .. it might disturb a few of their dreams. It just made us laugh. Wonderful healing laughter.

Kaeli thought that the men were probably too busy to have those kinds of thoughts lately and somewhere secretly I wished for them to be able to enjoy such small things as winsome thoughts. No, not necessarily of me or Kaeli or Seveya but to have time to think and to do and to live something other than so much desolation. There has to be good things in life to look forward to.

Kaeli said something that struck me. She usually does but I don't fight hearing it as much any more. She said we knew that it is the women that need to come together to help the Tribe get past this tragedy? I was learning this and I mentioned that it was the strength of the women .. our determination ... our compassion and love that holds it together every day. She said just don't let the men know that .. they think it is them.

Oh damn, I swallowed hard on that one. I asked her if she could one day teach me more about that but I didn't need her to answer. Life was going to teach me that any way wasn't it because the seed had been planted.

There is a time for everything under the Sky.

All that matters

Come out, come out wherever you are
So lost in your sea
Give in, give in for my touch
For my taste, for my lust

Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined in finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me

Nightwish

When Ragar and Sabra approached Grandmother's wagon, my heart soared right there in my chest. My best friend was alive and safe as was her family. Crooked on the side of her hip was child about 4 months old .. a boy. Had it been that long since I had last seen her? The passage of time raced through my head. It had been almost two envars since Father died, almost an envar and a half since Ragar paid bride price for his woman and now almost half an envar since she had borne his first heir.

I smiled and hugged them all, then of course invited them to our fires for a meal. First son sat on a blanket near the fire with Sabra while she explained they hadn't wanted to impose but they had lost their wagons in the fire. It took a bit of delving to undertsand there was nothing left of their belongings. Ragar like many of the other men had pitched in to help but had injured his bow arm. Not good for a man of the hunters clan. He would heal but for now, they had nothing.

There was no question in my mind that they should make use of my wagon. It took a bit of convincing that it was for the best. They had a family and had a need and this was something I could do for them. I wanted to see them with a canvas over their head and have a chance to continue their lives, their family. I was not going to take no for an answer and if they were going to argue with me, they could deal with Grandmother. That hole card always works.

We lay on the blankets beneath the nightsky, stargazing and just talking among ourselves for half the night. Not about anything inparticular but touching the whole universe in some small way, no blade of grass undisturbed, no stone left cradled in the dirt. To me it was a precious gift Sabra and Ragar gave me, that and another gift of being able to watch them, both, together and with their son.

There was something in the way Ragar watched his mate and First Son that lit his face with contentment and when her eyes met his the connection between them became tangible as if you could have reached out to touch it. He never seemed to be a man that felt intimidated by her in any way even though she was a strong out going woman. To look at her with him, she seemed quiet and giving the way my Mother is.

Ragar was pleased that they never argued. They always agreed because their thoughts were so similar that what one felt so did the other. They gave to each other even in small moments in a way that completed the other like two halves of a whole, not on any even level but on one that was vital for them. If one rose to seek something, they brought to the other. The give and take among them was touching.

When First Son grasp the medalian his Father had given her and bounced it up and down laughing and bubbling things none of us could understand, the whole portrait made me want to jump up right then and there and find Seveya and drag her back demanding she paint this ... paint it on the wagons, paint it on the sky and find a way to say this is beautiful. This is perfect.

I dont want to sound as if I was envious of them in any way. I didnt feel any covet for what they had. It was theirs and it was strong enough and lasting enough to spill over on anyone around them. I think it was like finding a delicate wildflower growing in a barren place. Rare and precious but to pluck it selfishly would be an end. I found myself happy for them in a way I do not have words to describe.

They had lost everything but held dear all that mattered to them .. they had each other.

Sabra wished for me a life like she had, the same happiness that she had found with her mate. Thank you honestly, but no thank you. I had to confide that there was a joy inside that radiated their warmth but this was not what I was looking for, not for my own life. Parts of it yes but not in such pristine sweet perfections, not songs of the singers pretty that takes only the good to shine the lanterns on. I wanted love to be real. To be able to experience the good and the bad, to laugh and to argue, to give and receive ... not always in equal proportions but the ones that work ... to encompass it all and still endure.

And right now I wasn't looking for any of that anyway.

"Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
I Cor XIII:IV-VII

Fragile

“But tomorrow, dawn will come the way I picture her,
barefoot and disheveled, standing outside my window
in one of the fragile cotton dresses of the poor.
She will look in at me with her thin arms extended,
offering a handful of birdsong and a small cup of light.”

"Can a man and a woman that disagree over important things without freedom to speak of them have a chance at happiness?"

"Yes, but not if that is something that one of you sees as a freedom you cannot live without. You .. You have to decide if that freedom is something that submits to your love of the other person or if it is something that requires its freedom .. this ability to speak .. to argue .. to disagree with him. Only you can tell yourself how important that freedom is to you."

"I cannot lose who I am .. the important parts of me. I will not change what I believe in even in the name of love." That was something he could respect. That was important to me .. respect. The giving and the earning. I could agree to disagree but not to give up my ability to have an opinion.

"I want nothing more than your happiness, Mezoo, no that is not true, I want something even more .. for you to never lose you .. who you are. I like Mezoo. I like who she is and selfishly .. I do not want to lose her." I promised that I would do all that I could to keep that promise and in the same breath I asked .. If I do lose her .. will you help me find her? The answer came with a huge grin, "Without a doubt."

His happiness meant the world to me too. But I would not ask the same of him and he wanted to know why. Why would I not exact such a promise from him as well .. not to lose himself .. not to change. It was easy to answer. That was a decision he had to make for himself whether he would wish to change or to remain stead fast in who and what he was right that moment. I left him that option .. that choice to make on his own. It was the same courtesy he had offered moments before.

I had told him I wanted and needed .. to be the woman I am .. to change for no one. Those were my words. My beliefs. He was simply asking me to keep that promise .. as much to myself as it was to him. I did tell him as an after thought to go ahead ... change ... I would find a way to love him still and probably stumble all over everything he held precious in doing so. He laughed.

That conversation was my solid ground in the best of times and the worst of them.

I held onto it as I spoke with Ayguili later.

"You are still angry with me."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement as if it were a fact. I started to give the details of all that went behind my thoughts but knew that the words would fall on deaf ears. I was tired. I was weak. I was worried. My hesitation flared something inside the man. If I did not want to talk then he could take me to Grandmother's. I probably should have simply let him.

"No ... not angry." All the tension that rose in him instantly caught me off guard. Made me feel defensive, fragile. It was to be a rehash of an argument for the sake of a new one. With the last of the breath I could summon from the ravages of my lungs I told him that he is a good Ubar. He was what this tribe needed. His efforts have made vast changes for good among our people. I had no answers .. I loved him. He loved me and I didn't know what else he nor I could add.

"I want nothing more than for you to be happy Mezoo."

And even in that moment I needed him to reach out and take my hand and tell me that everything was going to be alright. That there was hope not only for our Tribe, for our clans and for our families but for ... us. "I want nothing more than for you to be happy Mezoo." He told me he was setting me free. He would see me instilled in a place where I had the love and support of family. I leaned forward cupping his cheeks in my hands and kissed him with the lingering of my breath with his as I told him I would always love him. Great sky I loved him .. and it wasn't enough.

It was over and we both knew it.

I was going to come out the bad guy in all of it because I was a woman that would not love ... too much, because I was not going to give away who I am and what I believe even in the name of love.

I couldn't just be fragile.

I want to be but I have to be strong. I need to be and I can't be but in so many ways ... I am. Strong and Fragile. I'm a woman with all the ups and downs and rights and wrongs there is to go with that.

I hate feeling that I could be .. fragile.

Don't let go

All I'm takin' is your time. Help me make it through the night.
I don't care what's right or wrong, I won't try to understand.
Let the devil take tomorrow Lord tonight I need a friend.
Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow's out of sight
And it's sad to be alone. Help me make it through the night

"Don't let go."

Fragments of places yet to see and planes of worlds undiscovered passed me by. I was falling through the distances, through the fire and brimstone, through the emptiness and smoke. The light was blinding and almost as painful as the first ragged gasp for air. While I tried to open my eyes, there was a solid lock of fingers that took mine. "Mezoo, can you hear me?" It had been a long journey and for what felt like another eternity than the one I had been gone, I lay still taking in where I was. It was a strange place but the familiar faces gave me ease. Mother was brushing her fingers through my hair in that loving way that she always has. Grandmother's worry easing from her brow as she watched me stir. She rose quietly to step outside, perhaps to offer her prayers of thanksgiving. Yes, I hear them all.

This was not Huu's wagon was it? Why had I felt so sure I would awaken in our family healer's wagon? Instead it was Ongel's and He was asking if I wanted to try and drink some water to help clear my head. There was a comfort in the fact that he was there. In the few times I had met him there had been an ease to our banter .. no pressure to be anything more than a friend to talk to. That first sound through the scorched vocal chords was alien to me. Rasping, dry as I tried to say yes but couldn't. He helped me sit up and a fit of wracking coughs took what little breath I had away again. Even the water the girl held for me hurt to try and swallow. I needed to confirm my surroundings because I didn't trust what I saw. Was I where I was supposed to be .. was I in my own world or still some playground of another Haruspex imaginations? "I am in your healer's wagon?"

His confirmation put a few of the questions I had aside but still left so much unanswered. Smoke inhalation ... brought with the others ... the children. "It is confusing but I remember ..." No, not really, I didn't. For the first time in a very long time I felt the vulnerability of being only seventeen turnings. He brushed my hair back behind my ear. A delicate touch before his fingers traced along my jawline and it gave me a feel of being grounded. No longer lost in a place that wasn't ... tangible. Mother's voice sifted through the wagon. It has always been so quiet, so sweet. "He has been here since you were brought to him, Meechin. He has been kind enough to let us stay with you." I was beginning to know I had returned when my instant thought was that Grandmother would not have had it otherwise but would have appreciated there not being a battle to wage. The Healer though worn thread bare by sheer will did not look worse for the wear of a cane against his shins nor his temple. At least none that I could see.

"You have not rested Ongel?" No one among the harigga had from what I found later .. none but me it seemed. There was an off handed promise he would soon. There was so much .. so many .. an echo in his words spoken by every Tuchuk that had faced the fires and still breathed. Still breathed ... the imagery threatening to emerge from the depths.

"How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?" The distraction brought an instant relief. I heard the sound of him clearing his throat. I wanted that, to experience just what he was doing. I wanted this ache I felt in mine to go away, to be able to clear the pathway and be able to take in more air I wanted to breathe. My fingers touched where his had been. "My throat, my chest .. just tired."

That croaked sound .. the frog in the marsh, was my own voice. "I will help care for .." The journey I could explain to no one still lingered, still held its lull on me. I could feel the mists hold and I was still struggling to break free of it with the same stubborn Tuchuk pride that I was blamed for having not so long ago.. "I will help." I noticed the cold. The feel of his fingers on my chest was like a bath of ice on my skin. I was flaming Hot. Hotter than a fever to the touch. I couldn't help the shiver and he dropped his hands away quickly. I heard him telling me about the orphaned sisters .. He tried to bargain with the daemoness that if it would keep her within the confines of the wagon and resting for a few days .. he would bring them over to keep me company. I am not one to be quick with an answer so I let the cool feel of his fingertips soothe before I countered. ... "close .. how about close to the wagons?" My fear of closed spaces was finding an out even if I was not in the frame of mind to do so for myself. He agreed, close it would be, as long as I did not to go far nor allow myself to get winded. A promise that was going to be broken on all accounts the very next day I am afraid.

He sent his slave for some food hoping that I would eat. There was a unison voice .. Mother and daughter alike that he would eat too. It amused me so much that I laughed or had tried to. The volley of gasping coughs rendered me silent once more and I reached for his hand when the world began to grow dark again. How could I tell them how frightened I was to return to that place and even now its tug was strong. Don't let go, Mezoo. Don't let go. Mother told him I could cook. He could join us in our meals and was welcome to come check on me when he felt the need. Was she match making? Was she trying to get a rise out of me.. make me fight back? I didn't argue .. even if I had the voice, the strength, the will to .. I didn't argue even when the fire from my lungs rose to spread over my cheeks. It matched the hue on his, so all was well wasn't it?

It was time to know what lay beyond the wagon flaps. I felt the vastness inside but needed to hear it spoken. "Are there so many injured?" He braced as he tried to tell me with words what I had glimpses of already. His exhale spoke volumes as did the squaring back of his shoulders. "Yes." Was that enough of an answer at a time like this? I told them I'd seen those we lost and left it there. He had lost four wagons and I would find out later Grandmother had lost two and Mother one but my own had survived even with their meager belongings inside intact. It didn't seem fair to me and I felt embarrassed because of my own good fortunes.

The conversations were kept light for the most part after that. We spoke of our families, each with the bittersweet of losses. A little of how he became a healer and the importance it held for him. He has a giving heart and I find that admirable even more so from a fierce Tuchuk warrior. I couldn't find the name of the woman he asked about in my memory but somehow I felt a want to. The query would be taken with me when I spoke to Grandmother, to see if she remembered her or her Mother. In return I shared the confidence that when my Father left on a Ubar's mission my whole world had changed. It had been two envars now but the ache was still fresh inside. I finally managed with Mother's help to be able to sit up against a brace of furs and without one of those major coughing spells. He helped her rub away some of the build up mists that had gathered in my lungs and I would not be truthful if I said their attentions were not welcomed. I even manged to get a little bit of fruit down. Like others the smell of roasted meat was going to be an aversion for a while. For me it was not that it was so vile a notion as it lacked a sweetness that still permeated every breath I tried to take.

Somewhere along the eve I asked if I was going to live an ahn or two longer. I could hope for more longevity than that but considering the past hand, I would accept what I was offered. Even Mother smiled as he said I might last more than a few ahns, even a few hands or seasons. I might just make it until I was nice and old and had many children running around all over the place. So far into the future that I might wish for just an ahn or two of rest and thinking back wistfully to a moment or two when I was a young girl just laying in the furs with nothing to do but listen to some warrior. It held faith and it held hope and those were all the words my family had been waiting to hear. I myself held tighter to those words than I had his hand and that had become a vice grip and a constant. Through the entire night if I did not reach for his then he had reached for mine.

He told me too that Ayguili had come to see me while I was out of it. I wish I had been able to know. I wish I had been awake to feel his hand in mine and to touch his cheeks and somehow tell him everything was going to be alright. I wasn't there for him in his hardest moments .. not the losses among the Tribe .. not the loss of his brother. There was a pain that came from a different place in my chest that I didn't want to talk about. That was going to take a long time before any would be able to reach inside and I open to reveal those emotions. I turned my cheek into the fur and just watched his slave serve Mother.

Changing the subject I told Ongel as I had once before, he was a skilled healer. He gave credit to his Father for passing down his charm. The amusement made me smile and it cracked its way across my face as if I were a statue crumbling away a veneer. Here I thought I was the Haruspex and he was talking of magic. Sitting up with Mother's help, she aided me in looking over the healer's wounds. We were both grateful I think that the majority were superficial and most would scab quickly. There had been that moment when I was close enough to feel his breath against my cheek, to know the warmth of his face. I had wished in that one length of time to know what his lips tasted like and it sat me back rather quickly. He took my hand in his and turned my palm where the dark circle in its center was visible. I almost drew it back, almost curled my fingers into my palm, to protect it. It was something I kept hidden, kept as my own remembrance. One day I would tell him of the scar I carried but not this night. His gaze never left mine as he pressed a kiss there then lowered it back to me. He told me thank you and I was about to ask him why when Mother cleared her throat and told us it was perhaps time to let me rest so that I did not overdo. The healer made his farewells with promise to stop in among our wagons soon. I didn't want him to go and asked Mother if he could stay. She holds wisdom in few words and left the gentleness of her gaze give the answer. I was so exhausted even from just sitting up I didn't try to argue.

Grandmother joined us moments later and there in the strangeness of someone else's canvas we gave in to the bond that held us close. They were safe. They were here. They had needed me to be alright and I needed them to be. I felt loved and felt the tenderness of being able to love and it simply be accepted. I felt no pressure to be anything but the woman I was .. just Mezoo and it was ok. We all felt that way I think. The remainder of that night, through the ahns we would reach out and catch a hand and hold on dearly. Three generations of strong women who held to the others in a way that said we were never going to let go.

Of many dimensions on a cosmic kaissa board.

The dark witch had waited for the perfect moment, for distractions of epic proportions while she set up the game. To say I had underestimated my adversary would be vast understatement. I cannot say I did not know her capabilities. I did and had eased my guard around her anyway. She had chosen well though had she not? This opponent she offered to me now? He felt familiar as if we had known each other always. Someone I had shared my deepest secrets. Someone I had lain my greatest faiths and fervent trusts. All wrapped up in a vulnerable little package. I remember you. She knew my weakness. Studied it. Savored it well and now made it to her advantage. Always to her advantage wasn't it?

Glimpses through the bright white mists. His mouth as it oozed pretty petals, raining them as a blanket to fall in to. Safe so safe. Casually tossed away. Sweet sweet Mezoo. Danger flashed in lightning bolts. Come ride the thunder. Surf the waves. The shadows whispered. To be or not to be .. wrenching a fist in the pit of my stomach. The past is the past .. look to the future. What pretty eyes you have. I waited for the raven but he never came and all the while checkered parquets slid beneath my feet. All the better to see through you.

Your move. My fingers itched to clasp about his throat. To feel it tighten until there was no margin for air to escape .. yes pretty .. so pretty to watch them bulge. I studied the board already in play ... shifting, tilting, swirling in a spin. The dimensions scampering out of the light. The ground crumbled cascading over the edge. I felt the ledge beneath my feet shattering.. Fallen pieces piled to the side, some I recognized among the huddle, some I had never seen before. An Eye for an Eye then keep them in a jar. You have already taken many from the board.

They were of unimportance. Why do you care? As he removed the knave of swords to toss casually amid the rest, it was the illumination of his eyes that held my attention. Did you never know? His glance up to find me was ever so nonchalant. Puppet Master and his gambit moves. I wanted my voice to splinter through his veins and crystalize there like ice, to let the meanings echo across the realm ... Why do you not? Pawn for pawn. You care for them little Mezoo, how touching. I do not care what others feel. Ubara's Yearkeeper to Beast Keepers flank. A wagers face calm and cool I gave him while quietly extricating the strings.

Knave of hearts now protected in the shadow of the Wagon Master. I felt myself breathe. We are even then .. a happiness for a happiness ... yes? I felt the smirk I could not see. She was there ... there beyond the fringe. I could almost feel her wringing her hands with her hunger. She would feast upon the scavengings. Yet I hid my own while I awaited his next move. One I knew was coming even before the Or of Cups slid into place. Then the heir is now mine. I will have him at last. A question, not a question but an answer and a hope.

I let my fingertip rest lightly atop the remaining piece. That long standing rule applied, until it was removed I could linger and linger I did.

You forfeited that when you took the first piece. I felt her fury begin to burn into the farthest reaches of other worlds. I knew there would be vengeance sought on innocents that would never understand their plights and there was nothing I could do. Did you never feel? One more counter he could offer .. then another will take his place. Of course .. yes of course, I offered as I began to rise from the game. You were the predator. I was the prey. There was calculated enjoyment in laying the Ubara down onto the board and turning to walk away.

It was not his but her shriek that shook the cosmos: shifting it, swirling it. Setting it to a spin. The dimensions scampering out of the light. The ground crumbled cascading over the edge. I felt the ground beneath my feet shattering and I tried to catch all of the important things.

Another voice came raining down within the shards. I will destroy you .. do you hear me?? I will destroy you!

My own laughter raced past me while I was falling ... Perhaps it will be so but it will not be today, old woman. Send another .. stronger .. better and then we will see.

Smoke gets in your eyes

Shouldn’t it be that easy
To just be happy for awhile
Get lost in a moment
Wasting time trading smiles

Guilt. I had been unable to stop the fire, to keep it from its devastation. No one could and yet I felt the weight of it personally. I would not return until I had some how, some way made amends for having failed my family and their families and theirs.

I don't remember the part of me they carried away. I only remember the part of me that remained behind. The one that walked to the wagons where the bodies had been stacked, charred, sizzling, crumbling to ash. Taking them by the hand, one by one and walking across the razed ground to the other side. For some we spoke of the things they left undone. Some it was merely silence .. but we walked on. There were a few that shared their most precious memories .. a vision they took with them of their bare breasted mates lit by the an afternoon sun. Or a glimpse at the first moment they set eyes on their son and all the love they held still shimmering in eyes that could no longer shed tears. That moment of victory that pounded their pulse in the hearts ... the adrenaline rush after they knew .. knew they had escaped certain death. It wasn't like this .. it wasn't suppose to be like this. Enosh ... Rasce ... Orahjinn ... too many more to name .. we walked through the mists sometimes calling for those yet to be found. We walked this journey with them over and over until the spirits found their way to the sky.

Silk brought me many and for a moment I watched as she started to step into the between. Could she hear the reassurance I whispered. "Its ok, we will see to them. Return. You are needed where you are." How grateful, how relieved that she has Ash, that he held her ... there. He kept her .. from being .. here.

The face of Ongel loomed before me more times than I wished I could forget. I watched for a moment as he paused to wipe his forehead and find some sense of strength to carry on. I wanted to wipe away the crease that had begun to form on his brow ... to wipe away the sorrow that was building inside of him.

Kaeli, Huu, Daramis .. all of them. The Physicians. The healers that felt they could lend little healing to the vastness of what had happened and still they tried ... how determined ... how dedicated they were to our people to continue to bring them .. to bring them all. Hundreds. Thousands. I watched as one of them stepped over to help with the walk, unable to do more on one side, he came to help upon the other. Mother's brought their children. Men brought their mates. Sons ... Fathers ...

Ayguili carried his comrades, infants and frail elders and I reached out for a moment wanting to give him strength to carry on. Never will I forget that far away emptiness in his eyes. A moment I knew and understood we had different purposes for our lives. Different realms. He turned without ever seeing me there .. right there in front of him. It was as it should be .. there was much to do. How selfish I was for not wanting to see all the faces that were not brought to me. What joy that his most of all ... was only a shadow in the distance.

The warriors continued to fill furs to mass capacity, until the corpses began to topple and a new fur had to be lain out to hold more. Too many furs. Too many wagons. Too many ... too many.

Days with no end.

Nights without ceasing.

It was Ollie that brought the last one to me. I expected him to leave the small body on the wagons amidst the others but he didn't. He walked through the lingering smoke to bring a boy to me. There in his arms lay the Ubar of Pebbles ... The commander of the Lizards. He held First Son of Nahal. I felt my heart sink and tears try to form in a place there was no mortal coil to weep from. We walked together the distance between the scorch of the plains to the place we all seek in our lifetimes. We talked quietly.

Of honor.

Of courage.

Of love. Of all the things that are held dearest among the Tuchuk. Of all the wonders that living had to offer. I walked with him longest. I walked with him furthest. He spoke of the heights of the clouds and the beauty of the rivers and as he and the boy both began to fade into the wisps ... The Ubar's Guard reached for my hand.

My fingers began to slip within his as I felt myself letting go. He said, "You have to trust me. Remember, ...

A ripple in time

I cannot explain the loathe I feel in trying to impart this part of the story of our people. The taste that it leaves in the back of my throat, on the tip of my tongue ... heinous..

I don't remember. I cant remember. I don't want to. It was like I was not there. I was but I wasn't. It is an all consuming horror etched so deep into my mind that it wiped itself away.

I remember riding with some of the children and how happy we seemed to be for such a short time. We were chasing a lizard or we were trying to catch up with it as it bolted across the ground in a panic to escape. We were trying to outrun it. But we didn't.

I remember the trickle of brilliant red that raced across a dry branch. How pretty it was. Sparkling, glinting gleaming with a hunger to propagate. Was I the one that created it? Was I trying to help put it out?

Much of what I know has been filled in for me .. told to me by others so that I have ... something ... to put into the blank. They have been cautious as to how much they share but I can feel the volume of what they do not say, burgeoning on the inside of them.

I remember turning to find one of the boys. He was lost somewhere in the boil of smoke that was approaching. Approaching too fast. I searched and searched straining to see through the delicate vapors and then I found him. He was dancing in the midst of those beautiful crimsons and ambers. The melody of roaring thunder moved his feet and his arms as if he were suspended from dainty little wires that the sky held to puppet him with. I heard his song fill the wind. It was a sound that filled my ears and wrenched the contents from my belly. I tried to run inside to bring him out but just as I reached out my hand ...

I inhaled him ..

the essence of him

and he vanished.

The sight, the scent, the smoke, the thickness of the air ... the darkness began to swallow me whole.

~*~ OOC : Thank you to all that kept the character part of the events.

Baby, I got your lizard!

Life.

Living.

It had been a wonderful day of just that. Being Tuchuk.

Laughter.

Such a blessing. There is nothing greater than the sounds of children laughing. It has a contagious quality to it that returns us to the mystical places of our early years. Noya, I am afraid was the instigator in the how the day came about. She had spread out hides glistening in the hot summer sun and poured oil all over them. The nakedness of youngsters is a beautiful thing, They carry no shame, no modesty that shields them from the world around them. Unclad heroes and heroines and an oil slick run is simply a mixture meant for amusement. It was grand watching them line up one after another for their turn to run and dive hands first, belly next down the glide of pelts.

Squeals.

Peals of giggles.

A bounce or two.

Rub in the mud.

Return to the line.

I took my turn at catching a few of them at the bottom until I was covered in oil myself, sides hurting and having a glorious time. I could not stop laughing even when a few paga induced brave warriors took their turns. I think there are many such stories that begin with a plainsman's yell and a bellow of "Watch this!"

We watched.

We winced.

We went running to see how bad the damage was. Paga is a magical elixir that makes some impervious to pain, adds bounce ... ability and acts like a shock absorber for all those .. oh dung .. did you see that? Much of that was going to hurt tomorrow but for now the men were having as much fun as the children. It was hard at times to tell which was which to be honest except for the fact that some of the 'boys' were over six foot tall and had heavily scarred cheeks.

Come on Mezoo .. your turn!

Um .. no. No really thank you but .. nooooo.

All that said as I held my hands against my ribs and filtered it through snorts and snickers that could not be helped.

The heat finally drove us to find shade and while we tried wiping some of the mud off the half pints while not disturbing the protective coating of grease, I came up with a new game. It was time to find pebbles. The one that gathered the most pebbles could ... I am not a fast thinker and this was on the snap .. er .. well .. lemme think ..

Yes!

The one that gathered the most pebbles could paint my wagon. There was just one catch to it .. they had to tuck the first pebble they found in the side of their cheek and it still had to be there when they turned the others in. No one could be counted out .. everyone had to play.

Oh and while they were looking, I needed a speedy racing lizard too. Shhh,don't tell anyone, I was going to challenge that other Haruspex to a lizard race. They knew the one. Yes, they did. I already had my winner but they could help her out. She was going to need a fast one.

Well, alright!

One of the boys came running up later with two bags of the little stone globes, all grins and swelled with pride. He even showed me that he had his first pebble right where it was supposed to be .. all wet and everything. Of course he drooled in the effort and I just sat there smiling. He was First son of Nahal. I was going to remember him. I gave him instructions to dole the pebbles out among all of his friends, all the children he could find. He had to share his bounty this time but when the weather was not so hot, a fresh plate of honey cakes was all his and so was the side of my wagon.

We ended up wandering off later singing some silly made up song, "Baby I got your lizard and I know that you got mine .. we gonna take them with our pebbles on a wild slip and slide."

Thank you Noya for such a great day.

A chance to grow

I'd rescued the bowl and placed it on the steps of the warrior, a heaping lump of dirt packed into its center and a plant not so ceremoniously stuck smack dab in the middle of all that. I dusted my hands and walked away but each day I went by and watered it and turned it so that all sides found the sun as well as the shade. When word came that we must reserve our water and douse many of our fires .. for a while I shared my ration with the little herb.

VALOR

THE FALLEN SOLDIER


Don't weep for me
O' Land of the free
When it was my time to fall
'Twas for my country's call
'Twas for the land that I loved,
That I gave my all
And for the land that I loved,
I did freely give
And in her freedom
And her courage
I'll continue to live

Patricia Krull

Cry Softly and sleep well?

I walked along the bank of the stream for a while then then realized I didn't really know where I was going and I was alone and ...

I was alone.

Even when Ollie came to sit with me for a while, I still could not shake that feeling.

He said all the wrong things for all the right reasons and it made him endeared to me for trying. Then He added that He would step down ... Ubar be damned. I couldn't let that happen. He had his duties just as his commander did and I would not interfere with them. It went deeper than that he explained. He had been promoted through the ranks by Kam himself. There was a loyalty to him that the guard held to tightly. Better to die among the ranks for what a man believed in than to live a sheltered life standing on what he did not. Yes. I could well understand those words that somehow brought a bit of smile.

On our walk back to my wagon, he reached for my hand. That meant something important to me that few would understand. He said he had learned the other side of trusting someone because of those moments on the top of the canyon. He would never forget. It may not have been appropriate but I lifted to my tiptoes before he left and kissed the scars on his cheek. I told him He was a good man, one that could allow himself to soar within his imagination. That was a precious thing... not to ever forget that either. He told me if I ever needed a guard for another journey to let him know. I couldn't give him that promise, so I just nodded and went inside my wagon.

My braid began to unwind in my fingers and the brush slowly ran through the strands. I caught sight of the ahn glass Aunt had given me, noticing that there was only a slender horizontal line left in the upper chamber. There was a sudden urge to reach out and turn it over .. to turn back Time. To live the past envar over again. Live it richer. Live it better. Live it fuller. As if the sky heard those thoughts and scoffed, Time slowed to give the night a crystal clarity. The reflection of the woman in the mirror was one I barely recognized. The weight of pain darkened circles around her eyes. An etched furrow had begun to form on the smooth finish.

She was sadness.

Strange what we remember. Not always what we choose but what stands out most in our lives. The good. The bad. The indifferent. All without discernment at times but just an impact that it carries. One that lingers in our subconscious. When I had reached to touch his mouth .. in the same way I had so many times before .. he had flinched. For the first time in the past envar .. in the time the sands had run their course through the glass .. I had felt like an invasion of his personal space. It touched deep into a place I did not understand.

He had asked me to tell him of my journey .. not because he held interest in what I had experienced but because he needed something beautiful ... something uplifting in his life at that moment. I had lain only a portion of it out before him. How could I describe the flight of imagination to one that had not been there?

I had lain a portion of the vision Orahjinn had shown me as well, that a raven had come to me and I held bits of food that it did not eat but carried to feed another. The Ubar's words .. the moment ... resounded in my head over and over again ... Must have been a male .. perhaps taking the food to his mate.

I felt so alone.

Words and moments.

Bits of time.

Pieces of veins opened and left exposed.

I wanted to make it go away, make it all leave my head. I wanted to remember something else instead .. something beautiful and uplifting in my life at this moment. I wanted to remember the sweetness of the smiles sharing a box of candy with friends had brought. I wanted to remember how it felt to be among the verr watching over them.

I wanted to remember something like the joy I felt when two small chubby hands grabbed my hair and dragged me to an open mouth kiss all sticky and sweet and wonderfully pure and filled with all the goodness of a warrior's heart.

It was a memory that stung more than it brought peace. I felt that longing to have and to hold a child of my own. I felt that wistfulness that this was not going to be now. I felt those pangs of absence that there wasn't going to be someone to wrap their arms around me and whisper in the darkness all the soothing things that brought pleasant dreams.

The tears began to fall and I gave in to them.

And The Darkness cried. "Never alone."

I wasn't aware when the last grain of sand fell, just felt the delicate hover of the UI's wings open and spread over me tucking its little clutchling in. I only heard the whisper from a far away place. "Meet me in my dreams and I will show you the gleam of my fangs and razor of my talons."

I closed my eyes for the last time that night, red rimmed swollen and raw ...

And I murmured. "I will scream just for you."

"Then for now ... Cry softly and sleep well."

And I did.

Many women would kill for a man like that.

I kicked the cracked bowl out of my wagon, out onto the platform hard enough it should have shattered. Damned bowl. It didn't. I kicked it down the stairs with the same luck. Damned Bosk headed bowl .. reminded me of a Tuchuk I know. I was so angry and hurt and frustrated and the weight of feeling alone felt as if it was going to crush the very breath from my lungs.

The ride with Ayguili had ended in disaster, hurt and frustration. Anger? It was not at the top of the list. Not at first. But by the latter part of the night it took on a life of its own. It was bad enough to hear Kam had been stripped of his rank and charged with treason for wanting to murder the reining Ubara.

BOSK SHIT!

I had been there that night, I know what was said. I know the sentiments that were conveyed and there was nothing in any of it to be seen as maliciously wanting to harm anyone. The healer had told us that the body could only sustain for a short time without life support and there were no magics here that would keep breath continually filling her lungs if they began to break down. There was nothing that would pump her heart so the blood could pulse through her veins. To live suspended in such a way was cruel and heartless. I had listened as the warrior, one that had pledged his lance to my own protection not long ago, spoke his concern for dignity for another Tuchuk, to give the soul peace. It is called ... Mercy.

When it was explained there was hope .. He understood and joined us in that faith.

Where is there treason in this?

What crawled up into the Ubar's mind and began to eat away at the pink fluffy stuff in there and leave .. this behind? Logic failed in the communication with Ayguili. He had his mind set. I would not be allowed my say, it was clear to see. No reasoning allowed. Just his word.

I stood by that didn't I?

That the Ubar's word was final?

What I could not stand for was that it went against everything I myself stood for. I was finding I no longer held faith in Ayguili's judgements. It all boiled down to Cana. He would avenge her regardless of truth or justice or a trusted warrior's honor and there was no changing his mind. I was ready to walk home.

Where was I going?

Home.

I voiced the feeling I had inside. I wanted to find that place of sanity and reason I was not finding here.

Was home not with him? Now our own relationship was on the line.

There was a brick wall there that I hit full force. The best I can say is that never wavered.

He was Ubar.

This was not a selfish tantrum on my behalf clamoring for Ayguili's attention but something far more deeply rooted. Yes, I had pressed him to work with me on our relationship, to create more substance to it than the stolen moments filled with sensual kisses or the crux of what was going on among the harigga. Over and over again he was telling me there was not going to be time for the two of us ... Tribe came first .. then clan then family. Over and over again I had told him, I understood he was the Ubar .. I accepted that and was willing to stand at his side through everything that came our way but was there nothing more .. to "Us" than this?

He was Ubar.

He threw at me that he would not step down from the grays. Where ever the hell that came from it was not in any way what I had inferred. Had I wanted him to find out that his brother had been killed then go directly to Oren and Pei to speak of my bride price? Did I want him to turn his back on his people .. his family? Was it the last bit of insanity to throw at me that he suspected I didn't trust his feelings for me any more? He told me I seemed to have my head set on nothing he was saying being right .. on there being many reasons to be angry with him. No matter what argument I offered that, that was not true, that I loved him, that I was trying to be what he needed of me ... he put more distance between us and claimed that it was I instead that was alienating the two of us from each other. He explained that this .. this .. was what our life together was going to be. He prodded that I had promised to be patient, yet he saw nothing of the patience and understanding that I had brought to this point .. as if I were a demanding woman unwilling to compromise in any way. I was hurt. I was frustrated. Again and again he told me ... this was what our lives was going to be and it was going to grow worse. Was I not willing to work with him on this?

He was Ubar.

Eventually I began to see .. to understand what he was telling me. What more answer could I give .. than apparently not. I thought I had been. This was my decision then on this? If there was to be no compromise on his part then the decision seemed very made for me, wasn't it? I knew that I would not lose who I was not for him or for anyone. I asked him to just please .. take me back to the harigga. Take me back before I could no hold back the tears.

It wasn't even anger when he scored the final blow ... "I love you, Mezoo .. is that not enough?" It was defeat. I felt the tears running my cheeks knowing it wasn't going to matter what I said. All I could offer at this point was a quiet spoken ..

"Of course ... Ubar."

The night simply grew worse. How could I explain to Cana, to Tarra that what they were hearing wasn't a matter of such simplicity as an insecure young woman needing validation through the man in her life? There was more beneath the surface that I would not divulge to them. I was not going to lay out my concerns and worries that history would repeat itself. A woman before me had held the man's heart, one he was not there for and it ended with a quiva driven through her heart. Who would release my breath for me? Who would free me from his jealousies and inferiority's when he exacted their price?

Like a flower, love has its basic needs .. air .. sunlight ... soil for a foundation. Without these it will wither and fade from existence. NO. I was willing to die for no man and could not find inside me where ... love ... one that was real and whole and healthy ... would ever wish such a thing.

I took blame.

I took the responsibility that I loved him but needed there to be a depth to it, I needed those simple requirements to grow and thrive within the relationship rather than wither in the shadows.

"Are you not strong enough to love him unconditionally?"

Unconditional?

Everything about this relationship with the man was filled to overflowing with conditions wasn't it? Yet I was not to be allowed my own. Yes, there were conditions. To work on it, to find time and place for it to be able to grow, for us to be able to grow together. He wanted to stand on traditions for our mating, to speak to Grandmother, to Pei, then to Fonce. He wanted us to be held up to every one's scrutiny and more ... to be approved by the Tribe. I agreed, I accepted all of this. Now there was something else I was beginning to accept.

"Do you not want him to follow the traditions of our people?" The night was becoming a mirror of the earlier part of the eve.

"Would you want to see him dismiss something important to do with the people just to spend time with you, Mezoo?"

"Is it that he does not move fast enough to suit you?"

"You think you are somehow putting your life on hold for him and you are regretting that?"

By now even Yamka felt some empathy or sympathy and had taken me in her arms to offer some comfort but I could not believe what I heard from Cana.

"So you expect a warrior, the Ubar of the strongest tribe on the plains to submit himself to what you want?"

There was a rage filling into the crevices on the inside of me, one that wanted vent and I was becoming sorely afraid of what would happen if I gave any of it air. I stepped away from Yamka to meet the Ubara face to face. She continued with the last of what I would listen to from her.

"He is a man. A strong, stubborn man. One with high ideals, a strong sense of honor. A dedication to his people. Many women would kill for a man like that."

"Then perhaps, that is the problem Cana. Perhaps I am the wrong woman for him." I turned from them all then barely bridling the fury I felt.

A man like that?

Yes, it was true, he was all that. All of the admirable qualities that had drawn me to him in the first place except that now ... I carried the secrets of his sins.

Echoes

My thoughts fly up like birds in the sky.
I am free. I can fly.
I go everywhere. I see everything.
Towering mountain ranges
and a tiny flower growing in the desert.
I see cities and highways and a fallen tree
I see a grandmother telling a story to a child.
I sit quietly
But my thoughts fly up like the birds in the sky.
Only I know where they go.
When you sit quietly, where do your thoughts go?
What do you see?

I sat quietly leaving my thoughts to make their own journey. Orahjinn waited and watched until the tendrils of smoke had become a lace of fingerlets swirling around our ankles and growing thicker before we began to walk. It was a trip I must make on my own even as he accompanied me. He didn't take my hand to lead me but I followed at his side. We walked out onto the sea tomorrows where hopes and dreams find companion to their opposite.

It is a frightening place of unfamiliars, glimpses of what we know too slim and all that we cannot yet comprehend daunting as it looms ever closer. I heard the sound of wing before the vision of it emerged in the fog. A line of plane disturbed as it flew closer and closer still. It was coming. It was coming closer ... right to me and all I knew within no longer mattered but the instinctive nature of the creature that held my soul ... I would have fled had my feet not been bound by the mists themselves. There was only to lift my hand for its arrival and see its wisdom and hear its vision.

Three times the peck of its beak found my palm. The pain piercing itself free. Only then he did he turn and find me in the glassy eye. Did I comprehend? .. No said a voice inside of me, show these things to me. From the opening it began to pluck pieces of myself and pull them free .. juicy tender tidbits of heart and soul and willingness to thrive, the desires of a lifetime as a precious treat. Once freed it took to wing, flying back upon the mists that it had come. The echoes of the swamp rolling in the bright white darkness .. a cicadas thrum, a frog's riveted croak. Somewhere in the past that was to be the future of tomorrow something splashed and slithered its way nearer. And the cry of a gim hollowed across the marsh.

Three times the peck of its beak found my palm and empty it was when it returned. Such sustenance I proved to be for what lay in the beyond. I watched with fascination growing for all the bits the raven wished to procure yet to wonder where it was going when it was swallowed by the light. A slow and confusing clarity came quickly to mind. Is this what it was meant to be? Is this what Orahjinn had wished me to see? Butterfly flutters lit upon the cypress bough and swung from the mossy over hang, fusing into the branches as pretty as can be. A swirl of pale shades waved across the fog as it roiled and churned with stillness. I almost heard a voice whispering, but I knew it was wrong then I set it free.

Three times the peck of its beak found my palm and empty it was when it returned to me. I saw in blissful horror, stark obscurities yet to be. The raven pulled and tugged harder and harder the last of the nurture it needed of me ... the pain lit behind my eyes and clutched deep within my chest. And all the while the brightness fading, sinking deeper into the weeping of despair. The wash of the mist lapping against the shore, the wave of its emptiness breaking on debris. I watched as the raven set its course to fly away from me ... out into the darkness bright and blinding white. I knew where he was going and found only comfort that he would fill the belly of the prophet ... an oracle I could not be.

Orahjinn left me alone to walk the journey back with me and only as we stepped beyond the madness did he offer his hand to catch mine. In his dark brooding gaze I found a touch of cruel mercy, a cold kindness that was embracingly disturbing and maddeningly calm. Denial of the obvious, I clutched the pain tightly to my chest and set the rest to an echoing whisper.

There is a place

“Defenseless under the night, Our world in stupor lies; Yet, dotted everywhere, Ironic points of light, Flash out wherever the Just, Exchange their messages: May I, composed like them, Of Eros and of dust, Beleaguered by the same, Negation and despair”
W. H. Auden

There I was, on the edge of the precipice, with everything spread out underneath: the plains, the valleys, and then, in the distance, the shimmering, spangling City of Turia. This is why I had come to this place ... this vista before me. The others I had left behind for these few ahns of serenity and meditation.

Here there were none to step up in my face with demands for the position I had not even been granted. Here there were no pressing responsibilities for family, for clan .. it was a moment of indulgence for the health and well being of the woman within. To center her world, to attain enlightenment and strength for all that was to come.

To find peace.

The cord that held the amulet Tarra gave me was wrapped several times around my wrist until it lay just at the heel of my palm. The tap of it there a reminder that in some way she was with me .. watching over me. Mother vulo that she is. It made me smile. I kept my promise to wear it and just as easily as I donned the charm, it was forgotten, it was so much part of me. My toes hovering over the sheer drop left bits of dirt cascading down the drop and I imagined all my worries .. all my cares careening off the walls and those that weighted me most, I imagined pierced on the jagged spires below.

It was just as I closed my eyes that I felt a hand slip within mine. I clinched my fingers tight around his and I looked up. It wasn't the face that I had longed to be there with me but the dedication was strong enough to make my pulse skip a beat.

"I won't let you go alone."

"Then you must trust me."

No matter how valiant a man is, there is a point he faces his fear and steps beyond what is expected. His courage pressed to the very edge even for his own imaginations to comprehend. Did my protector understand what was about to happen? I could see him swallow and that brought a touch of bittersweet smile. It was as much preparation as I had given myself.

"Don't let go"

With that, we fell from the mountain to set our souls to soar.

The crisp snap of wing caught air so that gravity and distance was no longer challenge. Where the wind drifted so did we. Across the prairie northward beyond the walled place of dwellers and further still. From heights so great, the rivers seemed like silver ribbons tossed by the Sky to the ground and forgotten. Groves of trees lay like a carpet below so that even their lushness was merely color against the backdrop of russets and sienna. The bosk covered the land with an inky hue that reminded me of oil spilled from a lantern .. they spread shifting and drenching the world they owned.

This was our home .. the plains as far as the eye could see. It all belonged to us .. the Tuchuk.

From my bird's eye view I watched as my companion savored this venture, rising higher and higher until silhouetted by the sun itself. The brilliance of its rays dazzling the air around him until he disappeared within them. His plummet at first set my heart to race. Had he flown too far .. too close? The leveling out onto a wind sheer made me laugh and I banked to join him. Lower and lower toward a lake of shimmering gold in the waning light. Across the water, the touch of our wings glanced the surface sending a rain of droplets into the air behind us. Then climbing again as we made another ascent.

It was time to return and our course retraced the air born path we had just come. Even the others of our entourage seemed tiny beneath us as we passed them by for that summit once more.

The excitement, the thrill had been powerful for the warrior. Nothing .. nothing had ever been such an experience for him and as we touched again upon Terra firma he reached for my face to begin telling me so. With wide eyed wonder his words never reached my ears. I could see the movement of his mouth but we were slipping over the edge, the ground crumbling under our boots. I was farthest out and he struck his hand outward locking onto my arm. The amulet itself pressed under his palm gouging into the tender part of my skin. One quick tug and he tossed me back over the ledge onto the plateau behind him and I sat there in a dusty heap just shaking my head.

"I told you to trust me .. I told you not to let go"

"You were falling ..

We were falling!"

The tip of my finger pointed down to his boots. They were right where they had began ... unmoved. Next to the prints were a perfect likeness of my own. We laughed that nervous kind of laugh that you really don't feel is so funny on the inside then looked at each and laughed with the heartiness that this venture truly deserved.

The mind is a wonderful place, like the canyons, it has worlds within worlds within, and for a short time, Ol'ngyuen had joined me inside mine.