Many women would kill for a man like that.

I kicked the cracked bowl out of my wagon, out onto the platform hard enough it should have shattered. Damned bowl. It didn't. I kicked it down the stairs with the same luck. Damned Bosk headed bowl .. reminded me of a Tuchuk I know. I was so angry and hurt and frustrated and the weight of feeling alone felt as if it was going to crush the very breath from my lungs.

The ride with Ayguili had ended in disaster, hurt and frustration. Anger? It was not at the top of the list. Not at first. But by the latter part of the night it took on a life of its own. It was bad enough to hear Kam had been stripped of his rank and charged with treason for wanting to murder the reining Ubara.

BOSK SHIT!

I had been there that night, I know what was said. I know the sentiments that were conveyed and there was nothing in any of it to be seen as maliciously wanting to harm anyone. The healer had told us that the body could only sustain for a short time without life support and there were no magics here that would keep breath continually filling her lungs if they began to break down. There was nothing that would pump her heart so the blood could pulse through her veins. To live suspended in such a way was cruel and heartless. I had listened as the warrior, one that had pledged his lance to my own protection not long ago, spoke his concern for dignity for another Tuchuk, to give the soul peace. It is called ... Mercy.

When it was explained there was hope .. He understood and joined us in that faith.

Where is there treason in this?

What crawled up into the Ubar's mind and began to eat away at the pink fluffy stuff in there and leave .. this behind? Logic failed in the communication with Ayguili. He had his mind set. I would not be allowed my say, it was clear to see. No reasoning allowed. Just his word.

I stood by that didn't I?

That the Ubar's word was final?

What I could not stand for was that it went against everything I myself stood for. I was finding I no longer held faith in Ayguili's judgements. It all boiled down to Cana. He would avenge her regardless of truth or justice or a trusted warrior's honor and there was no changing his mind. I was ready to walk home.

Where was I going?

Home.

I voiced the feeling I had inside. I wanted to find that place of sanity and reason I was not finding here.

Was home not with him? Now our own relationship was on the line.

There was a brick wall there that I hit full force. The best I can say is that never wavered.

He was Ubar.

This was not a selfish tantrum on my behalf clamoring for Ayguili's attention but something far more deeply rooted. Yes, I had pressed him to work with me on our relationship, to create more substance to it than the stolen moments filled with sensual kisses or the crux of what was going on among the harigga. Over and over again he was telling me there was not going to be time for the two of us ... Tribe came first .. then clan then family. Over and over again I had told him, I understood he was the Ubar .. I accepted that and was willing to stand at his side through everything that came our way but was there nothing more .. to "Us" than this?

He was Ubar.

He threw at me that he would not step down from the grays. Where ever the hell that came from it was not in any way what I had inferred. Had I wanted him to find out that his brother had been killed then go directly to Oren and Pei to speak of my bride price? Did I want him to turn his back on his people .. his family? Was it the last bit of insanity to throw at me that he suspected I didn't trust his feelings for me any more? He told me I seemed to have my head set on nothing he was saying being right .. on there being many reasons to be angry with him. No matter what argument I offered that, that was not true, that I loved him, that I was trying to be what he needed of me ... he put more distance between us and claimed that it was I instead that was alienating the two of us from each other. He explained that this .. this .. was what our life together was going to be. He prodded that I had promised to be patient, yet he saw nothing of the patience and understanding that I had brought to this point .. as if I were a demanding woman unwilling to compromise in any way. I was hurt. I was frustrated. Again and again he told me ... this was what our lives was going to be and it was going to grow worse. Was I not willing to work with him on this?

He was Ubar.

Eventually I began to see .. to understand what he was telling me. What more answer could I give .. than apparently not. I thought I had been. This was my decision then on this? If there was to be no compromise on his part then the decision seemed very made for me, wasn't it? I knew that I would not lose who I was not for him or for anyone. I asked him to just please .. take me back to the harigga. Take me back before I could no hold back the tears.

It wasn't even anger when he scored the final blow ... "I love you, Mezoo .. is that not enough?" It was defeat. I felt the tears running my cheeks knowing it wasn't going to matter what I said. All I could offer at this point was a quiet spoken ..

"Of course ... Ubar."

The night simply grew worse. How could I explain to Cana, to Tarra that what they were hearing wasn't a matter of such simplicity as an insecure young woman needing validation through the man in her life? There was more beneath the surface that I would not divulge to them. I was not going to lay out my concerns and worries that history would repeat itself. A woman before me had held the man's heart, one he was not there for and it ended with a quiva driven through her heart. Who would release my breath for me? Who would free me from his jealousies and inferiority's when he exacted their price?

Like a flower, love has its basic needs .. air .. sunlight ... soil for a foundation. Without these it will wither and fade from existence. NO. I was willing to die for no man and could not find inside me where ... love ... one that was real and whole and healthy ... would ever wish such a thing.

I took blame.

I took the responsibility that I loved him but needed there to be a depth to it, I needed those simple requirements to grow and thrive within the relationship rather than wither in the shadows.

"Are you not strong enough to love him unconditionally?"

Unconditional?

Everything about this relationship with the man was filled to overflowing with conditions wasn't it? Yet I was not to be allowed my own. Yes, there were conditions. To work on it, to find time and place for it to be able to grow, for us to be able to grow together. He wanted to stand on traditions for our mating, to speak to Grandmother, to Pei, then to Fonce. He wanted us to be held up to every one's scrutiny and more ... to be approved by the Tribe. I agreed, I accepted all of this. Now there was something else I was beginning to accept.

"Do you not want him to follow the traditions of our people?" The night was becoming a mirror of the earlier part of the eve.

"Would you want to see him dismiss something important to do with the people just to spend time with you, Mezoo?"

"Is it that he does not move fast enough to suit you?"

"You think you are somehow putting your life on hold for him and you are regretting that?"

By now even Yamka felt some empathy or sympathy and had taken me in her arms to offer some comfort but I could not believe what I heard from Cana.

"So you expect a warrior, the Ubar of the strongest tribe on the plains to submit himself to what you want?"

There was a rage filling into the crevices on the inside of me, one that wanted vent and I was becoming sorely afraid of what would happen if I gave any of it air. I stepped away from Yamka to meet the Ubara face to face. She continued with the last of what I would listen to from her.

"He is a man. A strong, stubborn man. One with high ideals, a strong sense of honor. A dedication to his people. Many women would kill for a man like that."

"Then perhaps, that is the problem Cana. Perhaps I am the wrong woman for him." I turned from them all then barely bridling the fury I felt.

A man like that?

Yes, it was true, he was all that. All of the admirable qualities that had drawn me to him in the first place except that now ... I carried the secrets of his sins.