In your face and loud as life

My whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your service and the service of our great imperial family to which we all belong. But I shall not have the strength to carry out this resolution alone unless you join in it with me.
- Queen Elizabeth II

There was nothing I could grasp hold of. I couldn't make any of it into cohesive thought that registered and said ... ding!! The best that came to mind was Kam's conversation with me just after the Love Wars. There are three ways to live among the Tribe ... One, to be the Tuchuk we were born to be. Two, like others stand back and watch or Three wander off.

'So when does it happen that you become what you are meant to be?' Sahnka had asked this but walked off without ever hearing the answer.

I am Tuchuk

and together We are Tuchuk

There is not one Tuchuk and two Tuchuk .. we are all Tuchuk.

We stand together as a whole with as many different parts as there are hearts. Change takes a day and another day and it takes speaking and continuing to speak and those that do not listen .. do not listen but those that do become part of the voice. And when the voice speaks as one it is the roar of thunder heard across the plains deafening all.

Kam had told me something else, 'Don't be afraid to be the Ubara the people need and deserve'. I had taken it as his blessing for Ayguili and my mating. Now I was realizing it meant far more than that.

Great Sky I was missing the verr right about now.

All of this was on my mind while staring into the fires in solitude. The sky is good to me and has a way of reaching out to me when I need it most. I heard Kam's voice behind me but it didn't come as some omnous voice from the sky. He was right there .. right on time.

'You seem a bit restless.'

On more levels than I was really prepared to share with him, he was right. The tales of our people held a great deal of weight lately, Too much in too short a time. Was it going to create rifts through the harigga? I hoped not but it was a very real possibility. I had heard Sahnka. He had already told me there were insurections and dissentions forming among the outer wagons. But I felt Kam's chastisement run deep. "and yet you see them forming before your eyes." Was there a question mark there? Was there a lot left unsaid behind it all? If not I felt it anyway. There were margins of possibilities and with work differences could be smoothed. Too much and it would crack. Not enough and it will crumble. He said it was a fine line to walk.

Indeed.

Welcome to Gor where men wear yellow instead of red, where freewomen act like men or slaves and the slaves act as if they are free or are slain because they cant please the unpleasible... enjoy your stay? I was growing angry with everything and everyone and that included myself.

Kamchak is not a man to let smoke hover in the air without finding the fire. He wanted to know the rest of my thoughts on how to correct the margins and I found them pouring out as if I emptied a bota at his feet. Is this how we are truly perceived? In a quick over view I told him that no matter how I explained it would sound trite but listening and communicating was the beginning. I spoke to him of the laws and how many had issues of the letter and the spirit of them but we both agreed .. the problem was that the Tribe did not know or at least understand that regardless of what is marked by the year keepers .. no matter what is spoken by the elders and whispered on the winds .. there was one law .. the word of the Ubar. There should be no question of it. Find his ear and change his mind perhaps .. but not his word. There was no gray area when it came to the grays.

The problem was a 'me, me, me' mentality in a society that revolves around "We". There was a jest about my becoming a man and taking a stand. Not the first time I had been told I had the heart of a warrior but I have the argument that I am not properly equipped for that task. Might as well put me in the category of women that act like men. I felt all puffed up that day and ready for a spar .. a spar with the wind or the grass or even the dirt but truth was I didn't know what to do.

It may have sounded like a pat answer but he told me I could be the Mezoo I should be. I hoped that I had been but it didn't seem to be enough. He offered options ... Sit back and watch things topple in upon themselves then step in and try to fix it all. That sounded all messy. Well then, walk away and find a new Tribe to live with.

Hhmph.

He did say there was one more option, I could grace the fires with my presence every now and then ... not be around for any of the important decisions and let others do the hard stuff and just enjoy riding that kaiila already saddled and ready to go. No, he didn't really say that last part about the kaiila but I heard it in my head as if he shouted it at me. I wanted to hear it so that it overrode the voices of insanity I had heard lately. This made sense to me. There was logic in the reasoning there. Not the grace part, not the walk away, or even the sit back and do nothing but the choice was so clear.

The one thing that gave me the most heart was hearing the man I call Grandfather, pledge that he would stand behind Tribe and that meant there were two voices that spoke together as one. I knew he stood for right and truth and honor. The Ubar had two very staunch defenders whether he knew it or not.

Speaking of which, it was the Ubar himself that seemed to echo all of these ideals a few hands later. He was explaining that we are not in truth a polite society. We are a warring nation, one that strikes fear in the hearts of those that dare to even speak of us. Meaning .. we aren't all ... 'nice' and 'considerate' ... all the time. Our lives aren't condusive to such notions the way the dwellers are.

I am not soft and tender or nice and considerate. I am not politically correct. I have a woman's heart but a strong mind and a mind to use it. I am in your face straight forward and as loud as life. The loves of my life are my Tribe first then my clan and my family and friends. I have no remorse if that offends some. I do hear what is in the hearts and minds of the Tribe though I am a different part of that voice.

This was a time of great precedence for the Tuchuk. Never before in our history had there been six surviving Ubars among the Tribe at one time. The potential of the omen was staggering and it was lost on many at the same time. We had all this wisdom, experience and the magnitude of great minds and fierce warrior hearts of half dozen tried and true men to avail ourselves of and it seemed of no importance to anyone.

There has been a hushed whisper that runs through the clan fires. As powerful as this could be, its oppostion could be just as real. A disturbance had been felt already. Something shifted beneath the dirt and upended our journey north and there had only been three living Ubars among the plains at the time. What would come for twice this many?

What does this all have to do with me?

I am Tuchuk.