Sacred Rituals

It was a day of women. Unprecedented in its make-up since never before had a female coming of age been given such celebration into her right of womanhood. The stories bounded about of each of our firsts in as many different tones as there were ... well women. Regardless of how each of our tales unfolded it was the same, it was meaningful.

Even the men found reason among it all to step up, to step out in their finest something, whether it was just to take a bath, to snag a bota of paga and begin the feasting early or wager a thing a little more priceless to them. The spirits ran high throughout the entire harigga.

Some of us managed to steal a few moments together and I caught up with Cana and Tarra early. There had been a want on my part to see if they needed anything in the last ehn preparations as well as to go over my own contribution to the gala. In fact one of the first things that came up was admiration of how some of the women juggle their busy schedules. I put my name on the list of Time Management Juggling 101 for the first available class. I'm not sure what was on Cana's mind when she changed the subject but she asked me to tell her about the verr, a bit more than they stand this high, are fuzzy and white. Sky I went and did it. I answered her question with a question, what did she want to know. If it was another test I have no idea how I faired. If it was a project she had in mind I think I may have discouraged it without realizing. She wanted to know if I thought children could make good verr herders. No, actually I didn't. Tend to them and care for them yes but not to herd them, but to lead them without being raised among the verr until you could think like them, a resounding no.. There is far more to the verr than standing at the edge just watching. Did I think it could be an educational source for them ... yes. Grandmother believes they can teach us everything we need to know in life. I can honestly say that every time she sent me to tend to them I did indeed learn something, now it may not have always been what Grandmother had in mind.

Karvek wandered into the camp followed by a miniature tribe of minors and the laughter began. He was carrying Another One on his shoulders saying he found him rooting under a wagon so he must be a little tarsk. Perhaps he would make a good roast for the banquet later in the eve. That raised a chorus of voices not to eat their friend from the dozen or so small fry behind him. It was all good fun regardless of the look we got from Cana's son for laughing.

I caught a glimpse of Ayguili all cleaned up and wearing his best leathers. Made me turn and catch a better look when no one was looking. I think I got away with it too. Mmm hmm hmm, he is one fine looking man now that I had finally began to notice. Wait, what was I telling you? Oh yes, He made Kaeli an offer to unchain her for the evening's ceremonies letting her know he wanted a promise she would return as soon as they were over. She decided she would rather remain chained until her mate returned. I stood there staring at her. I wanted to shake her and maybe rattle some sense into her head. She couldn't do this ... she was part of the women of the Tribe. She should be there ... with us. When we headed off for Tarra's wagon to give Seveya her gifts, I pointed at the chain on the healer's ankle and told her I did not have to like it.

Tarra had taken the pieces of hide each of us had placed our own unique touch too and made a skirt for the artist and standing inside the elder Haruspex wagon with her hair pinned back by her Mother's comb she was a vision of an Ubara. It brought a lump in my throat that made my eyes get all misty. From our hearts more than our stores we each handed er another little piece of us. Tarra placed a herlit feather in her braid. I slipped a colorful friendship bracelet around her wrist. Cana gave her a carved box to keep all of her pretties in and a shell suspended from a leather thong to wear around her neck.

We hugged. We cried. We smiled and wiped each others damp cheeks.

Then it was time. There was painstaking effort on Tarra's part to orchestrate such a beautiful and deeply moving ceremony. The lines of women carrying candles and torches wove through the harigga like an elegant fire worm lighting and igniting the sisterhood of Tribe together as one continuous bond. I am a simple woman. I do not have words that can convey the portrait of beauty, grace and close knit heart that came from that night. The singers will have their own time of painting such fellowship into words.

The feast was just as grand afterwards. The gathering brought the men to join us while the drums carried the news that another woman was now ready to meet life head on. The foods were delicious, the music pulse throbbing and the laughter rang out to mark a joyous occasion.
It is a good night to be Tuchuk especially a girl one. Even on such a night prospects were asked the meaning of being a Tuchuk. Life never slows for us.

There were more gifts passed out around the fires and it surprised me that I would be on the receiving end. Seveya had found smooth stones that she had painted delightful images on for each of us and Tarra gave all of the women that participated a necklace of a particular crystal. Mine was an amethyst for clarity of mind and to bring me focus and calm when I needed it. I could not help reaching up wrapping my hand around it as I caught her in an embrace.

While I went to settle next to Ayguili and show him my pretties, Seveya's uncle brought out his gift to her. It was a fine tawny colored kaiila and a new saddle and the wagers immediately began to fill the air of who we thought would win a race .. the niece .. or the uncle. I put up a cracked bowl on Sev and got this instant grunt from the man sitting next to me. Quite shocked, I lifted a brow to ask if he had grown attached to it. When he nodded and said they had a history, but could I put it up somewhere my Grandmother couldn't reach ... I grinned and changed my bet to a bottle of Aunt's elixir. I would keep her distracted but someone else had to brave going in for it. That was when the man sitting next to me leaned over close and said he was going to end up staying in trouble with my family ... wasn't he?

Yeah probably.

Side by Side

When there is light in the soul; There is beauty in the person;
When there is beauty in the person; There is harmony in the home;
When there is harmony in the home; There is honour in the nation;
When there is honour in the nation; There is peace in the world.

Im-portent

When Galileo caused balls, the weights of which he had himself previously determined, to roll down an inclined plane; when Torricelli made the air carry a weight which he had calculated beforehand to be equal to that of a definite volume of water; or in more recent times, when Stahl changed metal into lime, and lime back into metal, by withdrawing something and then restoring it, a light broke upon all students of nature. They learned that reason has insight only into that which it produces after a plan of its own, and that it must not allow itself to be kept, as it were, in nature's leading-strings, but must itself show the way with principles of judgement based upon fixed laws, constraining nature to give answer to questions of reason's own determining. Accidental observations, made in obedience to no previously thought-out plan, can never be made to yield a necessary law, which alone reason is concerned to discover. — Immanuel Kant. Critique of Pure Reason (1781), trans. Norman Kemp Smith (1929)

Can you tell me about ...

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices, but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence and fulfills the duty to express the results of his thought in clear form. Albert Einstein

Over the years I had grown used to flitting my way to find Fonce and being able to pick up a conversation with him, my way. I could tell him something casually on my way to where ever it was I was going and he would smirk, snort, laugh, nod or by some way or another make small acknowledgement that I had been there and had been noted. I was content with that in my tarsk tailed girlish crush I had on him. I reveled in the fact that we had these entire conversations and wondrous meetings of the mind, heart and soul in those short moments and I could skip my merry way on to face the rest of the world.

I was fully loaded with so much that was on my mind of late, being prospect to the first fires, protege to the arts of the old ways, but more precisely the first stirrings in a pristine heart that was achingly curious to know what was so amazing and impressive about love itself. With that frame of mind I set out to find the one man that had stepped into the boots left empty by my Father. He was talking with Seveya at the stream.

The present can be so naively unaware of how slippery a slope can be and hindsight has perfect depth perception. I had a feeling I was interrupting something and was more than prepared to do a U - turn there then be right on my way to where ever it was I was going in the first place. I wish I had. The beckon to come closer and the explanation felt so genuinely warm and welcoming I stepped right out onto the web like a fly. They had been talking about a paint brush he had found and thought sure it was the artist's. I would have too, come to think of it. The conversation was brief before Seveya bid her farewells and headed off. I was disappointed to see her go, trying to find quickly if she might have time to talk later.

One would have thought it opened an perfect chance to talk with the man of all the things that I had questions about. I'd only wanted to ask one question but everything slid all out of kilter and I ended up simply trying to untangle myself from the sticky parts of the web. We had been speaking previously of several things, part of it was of things I was learning and a bit about Ayguili's wish to get to know me better. The more personal topics wasn't a comfortable fit bringing them up though by now I wished I'd chosen my timing better and sought a different place. A different moment. Which ones did I wish to speak of now ... specifically? There was just that precise ehn that I looked at him and tasted the feel of this all business persona he portrayed. Specifically, I chose to ask if he could help me understand the relationships between elements and people. The rest I had just wanted to talk to a friend of things I was not all familiar and ... knowledgeable about. The rest all came down to one simple question I never got around to asking

... Can you teach me about love?

It all went wrong ... just unbelievably ... wrong. I tried extricating myself from the conversation in half dozen ways and plundering my way through like I was caught by invisible threads when he persisted. He even cajoled me that if I was giving up ... fine .. do so. It would leave me standing there watching him walk away, frustrated, upset and the feel was of an anger I could not understand at all.

In the back of my mind under all the layers of confusion, I remembered something Ayguili had told me when we first began to get to know each other. He had said that when he was upset to let him walk away to sort things through. Suddenly, I wasn't seeing Fonce walk away any more but one that I had begun to form a closer link with and this hollow emptiness spiked through my chest and speared my heart. I had only wanted "specifically" to ask Fonce one question at the beginning of all this but now I realized there was another already showing me the answers.

Letter of the Law

All those who come with honor

"…the Tuchuk bent to the soil and picked up a handful of dirt and grass, the land on which the bosk graze, the land which is the land of the Tuchuks, and this dirt and this grass he thrust in my hands and I held it. The warrior grinned and put his hands over mine so that our hands together held the dirt and the grass, and were together clasped on it. ‘Yes…come in peace to the Land of the Wagon Peoples.’ "

Visitors - Will not be allowed to reside within camp. If they live in the city, they are Dweller tainted and have no devotion to tribe. They are a risk to allow to freely move around the wagons. They can stay in their own wagons outside of camp, at the very outer of patrol lines away from the bosk. Only blood relatives will be allowed into camp, ONLY if escorted by the member of tribe their related to. They will be treated no better then traveling merchants. They will not be allowed to clan wagons, not be allowed anywhere outside of the central fires, kaiila pens, or plains. Visitors are not allowed near the bosk. They may not bring their mates, or step children. Only blood is allowed. This will be so, with prior approval from the Ubar.


To say that I was angry or upset at the loss of opportunity to learn more from my mentor would be a misnomer. When we rode to where the healer was, both Fonce and I were tense, expecting perhaps the worst but to come upon her far out beynd the wagons, past the herds, sitting calmly talking to a woman of the cities was very disappointing, maybe even disturbing. We were pleased she was safe and sound, yes but there had not been an emergency that took away from Tribe, from clan, who know perhaps from what could have been best for our people as a whole, there was just ... a dweller.

More than that Fonce was ired over the fact that Kaeli had gone against the letter of the law the Ubar himself had lain down. Women were not allowed out of sight of the harigga for our own safety. She like the other woman would be returned to the camp and chained until Ayguili himself could handle each prospective issue.

The idea of the city woman chained as an offering to the Ubar had appeal but Fonce did remind me ... Kaeli had found her first and would be the one to let her ride back to the main fires with her. The Tribes woman on the other hand would face the consequence of her own actions. It all seemed to be well in hand as we swung our kaiila around and headed back.

It was not going to be the last of any of this by any means. Instead it was the beginning of a test of our people as a whole, a shadow of something dark and forboding that would end up looming over the peacefulness of our way of life.

Greater than I

Just as treasures are uncovered from the earth, so virtue appears from good deeds, and wisdom appears from a pure and peaceful mind. To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue.
Buddha

Damn Tao for dragging me to the Ubars fires with his best of the best of the best dung. Aunt could take her mysterious, mystical ... ways and shove them right up ...

Fonce.

There he was walking up on the fires at just the right moment for me to unleash every bit of the fury I had all bottled up inside. It was one well aimed thrust that drove the dagger straight through the heart and a turn of the wrist to make sure it wrenched every bit of artery from the organ.

I have
no wish
to leave
the plains.

I want to be a Good Tuchuk, to be a good Haruspex and perhaps one day I may consider leaving the Tribe to see what is beyond our lands but not anytime soon and if that means returning to the verr herds ...

then so be it.

Whoa, Nelly, hold on, wait a moment, back up, start at the beginning and let him figure out what the &/@#! He asked enough pointed questions to begin to catch up. Just spilling all of the poison out seemed to take a good bit of the fire away from my veins and lessened the stricture wrapped around my lungs.

Boskshit.

Somehow his saying that one word helped make everything right itself once more. 'Tell me what you believe, Mezoo.' How could he know that was all I had needed from the very start, was just to be able to speak about what I believe and simply be heard. Not chastised for my ideals, not ground under someone elses but to give air to something that was as important to me as the air I breathed? My blood was born of generations before me, far more than I can count that have never placed a single boot from our lands. He soothed the bristle more when he said that made me pure of heart and sight. He truly wanted to hear what I had to say and there I confessed that his thoughts were just as much sought after.

How many times have I heard one of the Tribe say that, yes, they had traveled to the cities but wished they hadn't? It is part of why I have no wish to go. I do not want to regret my life or the parts that make up the whole of it. If I am to have a regret, let it be that I never stood inside the walls. His advice was to set these opinions that made me so intense inside, frustrated and angry aside. Not to feel as if I had to take them up or even understand them. The fact that I had given them thought was enough.

This bit of time we had connection within gave way to other things I had hopes of talking with him about. This fifth element Tarra had spoken of, brought up now. Heart, spirit, love. Could he teach me? He could show me how to learn but ony I would know how it manifest itself for me. For him it was different. Every word he spoke then was consumed with an eagerness, a hunger. His abilities, talents, skills ... tag a name here that suits your need to be able to understand ... he shared with me though it would take time for me to fully comprehend. My own pursuit was aimed at finding a way to take what I could do and be a benefit for the Tribe. In time he would show me how to use them for people.

It was time to show him where the darkness that still clung to me. My first experience. The whisper of my voice said how badly I felt that I had failed. How frightened I was that it had happened. It was too much ... too soon. I thought he would be angry. I thought he would have chastized me or even berated me but he didn't. He just asked why. All that I knew to tell him was because the need was greater than I. Rather than finding righteous indignation or atonement, he merely told me that I had learned a great lesson, that breaking the rules will always come with a price. I began to understand this was to be a part of me now.

Fonce is not a man that takes a compliment for the words that are offered so when I told him I was glad he was my mentor he had to question. I don't feel there is something deeper in him that longs to turn and twist until it finds control. It wrestles with him, not with me. When I am with Aunt I feel her laughter and her will to bend me from the inside as if it is my own thoughts. Tarra is like standing in the wind of a storm that makes you plant your feet and still you move a step. Enosh tries hard not to but that just makes it worse sometimes being caught in the pull of his tides. Fonce does not feel as if he takes over or works against what I am inside, if anything he feels as if he walks next to me. That was his way ... to walk with and not against what is out there.

I was ravenous to know more. Such a treasure, this precious linking of time, place, connection with a great mind, with wisdoms, with offered guidance; but already there was a gathering of things that were greater than I. A warrior came up nervous about being among the Haruspex fires but in need of speaking to Fonce bad enough to brave it. He said Kaeli was out among the plains and needed assistance. It would never matter how heated the debates between she and I could be, she was sister, she was friend, she was Tribe ... I told Fonce I would come with him.

Sand Mix

The law is reason free from passion. Aristotle

From within camp - Tuchuk born, Tuchuk raised, resided among the Tuchuk, (ex. Coming from the back wagons to the first) they are Tribe. To become one of the first wagons, it is expect they have some interaction with someone from their Clan who is already from the first wagons. A prospect must respect and obey commands given to them by Tribe members. That may or may not include answering questions about Tuchuk ways and traditions or motivations for being there. Ultimately it is the Ubar who will decide whether or not a prospect is given Tribe status. Tuchuk Law

Kaeli had decided that I needed to understand the ways of the Tuchuks, to tell me of the importance of the scars the men bear, the ring like my own that are placed on our women. She found she needed to tell me of the reason we withhold the name of our sons until they have proved themselves. She explained to me that within the cities the many men are called warriors, they wear colorful clothes but have never been tested. I know these things. I may describe them differently, but I know these things. I have a brother and two cousins that have earned their names and the first of the scars.

I've never been to the cities, I've heard tales of them but they have no lure for me to be away from my family and my Tribe. I don't understand how they think or feel need to live. She told me If I closed myself off from learning, I would never fully embrace my craft. I tried to tell her that I took her words into consderation but there was enough here to learn from my mentor for now to keep me busy for a very long time.

I believe in the notice of three but here I had a woman of the first fires telling me not once, not three times but more than six different times in as may ways that those among the Tribe that had the most experience had left to seek what was inside the walls. She left me with the impression that is was closed minded not to follow their example, that that was how one becomes a good Tuchuk. Over and over again I tried to explain that I had no wish to leave the Tribe to go anywhere. One day perhaps I would find reason to change my mind.

I had tried to listen to her patiently. I had tried to understand her reasoning. I had tried telling her I would seek my guardian on the subject then later to tell her I would even speak to the elders of my family and my clan about the topic. At one point I even tried delving into where, what city was best to seek this vast knowledge that I couldn't have found here and as the whole thing came back around another time I finally stood up and said her points were well taken and that I would think on them more and that I would seek tose that mentor me. I respected them and I would ask of all that she and I had just talked about. She said that was enough, eh?

She had gotten under my skin and it was this cold hard crackling that was beginning to work its way through me, like the sand mix that make up the walls. I was suffocating, trapped inside an idea I had not wanted, not asked for, one I felt was being forced upon me. I left the fires headed straight for my clan on a mission. I was exhausted, I was frustrated, I was upset, I was ... pissed.

Foundations of Faith

It is only when you are asked to believe in reason coming from non-reason that you must cry Halt. Human minds. They do not come from nowhere. C.S.Lewis

The letter of the law versus the spirit of the law is an idiomatic antithesis. If people interpret laws and regulations strictly, ignoring the ideas behind them, they follow the letter of the law. When one obeys the letter of the law but not the spirit, he is obeying the literal interpretation of the words, but not the intent of those who wrote it. The spirit of the law is the idea or ideas that the people who made the law wanted to have effect. So, conversely, when one obeys the spirit but not the letter, he is doing what the authors of the law intended, though not adhering to the literal wording. "Law" originally referred to a legislative statute, but in the idiom may refer to any kind of rule. Intentionally following the letter of the law but not the spirit may be accomplished through exploiting technicalities, loopholes, and ambiguous language. Following the letter of the law but not the spirit is also a tactic used by those whom feel they are being persecuted. Following the spirit of the law but not the letter is generally viewed more favorably by some than following the letter but not the spirit. Authoritarians tend to view "following the spirit" negatively as disobedience of the law itself. The reason is that the actual intent of the law may be ambiguous, and allowing anyone to follow his own interpretation of the law may result in anarchy.

You might ask which laws? The laws of nature, the laws of man, the laws of tribe, of friendship, love, loyalty ... what law does the letter and the spirit not pertain to? Between the letter and the spirit is the heart of the matter, sometimes far more literally than is given credit. It would be all of these that would unfold in the next few hands. Much of the events have already been told by some, by all and to delve into the details does not allow the heart of it all to have its say.

I am a prospect to the first fires stepping forward to seek acceptance from those at the heart of the Tuchuk as to whether I will stand beside them, fight with them and for them against any and all that threaten the future existence of the people it is comprised of. It is a test of valor, of courage, of loyalty. It is faith and a sharing of beliefs. No Tuchuk stands to say ... I am Tuchuk of the First Fires that has not stepped through the same initiation and passed their own set of trials. It is not the same for everyone. Just as one person's tolerance for pain is not the same as another's, what is deepest within them as strengths and weaknesses will vary as well. It will be ongoing for a lifetime, to face adversities and pitfalls each and every day and a will to stand strong regardless if it is for our fellow Tribe. An old saying applies well ... The Needs of the Many Must Outweigh the Needs of the Few or the One.

This soliloquy is not as you might expect, about myself personally and my venture to prove myself among the Tribe. It is more about what I learned from those around me on my journey. It is what they themselves faced in the continuance of their own tests and what I took with me of those around me ... to give me strength, courage and all of those same virtues that make the Tuchuk the fierce nation that it is.

Together the Tribe would face more than the letter or the spirit, but the heart, the point where both meet as one and prove themselves.

This moment

El sentimiento de que no soy yo
de que hay algo más cuando tu me miras
la sensación de que no existe el tiempo
cuando están tus manos sobre mis mejillas
como me llenas como me liberas
quiero estar contigo si vuelvo a nacer
Le pido a Dios que me alcance la vida
y me de tiempo para regresar
aunque sea tan solo un poco
de lo mucho que me das
le pido a Dios que me alcance la vida
para decirte todo lo que siento gracias a tu amor

I wasn't quite myself yet but I would not allow that to deter me from returning to the fires. A woman had been taken from the harigga but there were not many details. Understandably, there was concern for the women of the camp's safety. We were given strict instructions of where we could go and admonished not to stray farther than the stream and the last of the wagons.

As the tensions began to die down Fonce called Ayguili away from the fires to talk. People come and go often and warriors are always in close communication among themselves but this seemed different. I had to chuckle a little watching Seveya when a hush fell over the fires. Wouldn't you like to be an urt under the wagon where they were going? Um no was my answer. Probably I would but still ... um no was my answer. Could have been good chance for a wager there.

Cana got up to make herself a mug of blackwine so I asked if there were any more left. She knew I didn't drink the stuff and it got to her curiosity. No, I was going to make sure there was some still fresh ad hot when the men got back. 'Ahh, I see. You'll have to make another one then.' If her words didn't say it all then that little smile of hers did. I was all nonchalant while I got up and made sure there was another kettle ... fresh and hot like I did not even see that look she was giving me or that savvy cute grin either. Until .... 'So, Mezoo, I hear you have been spending some time with the Ubar, getting to know him.' I burned my fingertips on the side of the kettle when I jerked my head up. hmmm?

Be cool Mezoo, act casual. Oh, we have talked a little. It ended up she and I talked a little about what kind of man he was and some of his ideas. I told her, he doesn't like verr. That was strike one. But, He had survived a day with Grandmother. That conveyed both courage and endurance. Not the full details though. He was becoming a good friend, one I cold talk with just about everything with and I liked the warrior and was even pretty sure I liked liked him but I was not so sure I could live with the things he had told me. To like him as the man I saw of his past. Leave it to Cana to be the one that noticed not all was right.

You cannot reach into the fires of the abyss and come away unscathed. How could I tell her this? I managed a generalization of everything in what I did confide. There was too much of this whole new world that I was meeting. So many changes in so short a time. She could sympathize to a degree. She said it was as if the world was off kilter, speeded up and I couldn’t quite catch up with it. That was close enough to the truth to give us a common ground to talk. In a way, I wished things could go more slowly but all things come in their own time ... right? I asked how she managed to keep up. She said when she was younger that she wanted everything all at one time, nothing moved fast enough but now she savored each moment. I didn’t want everything at once. There wasn't any way to enjoy the good moments before needing to take care of another moment when things go so fast. Maybe that surprised her.

We talked of the hide that Tarra had sent for Seveya's ringing ceremony. That was so different from what Cana or I had experienced. Nice, mind you but very different. I made plans with myself to spend the next day at my own wagons. Not clan, not first fires ... just quiet and let my hands be free to work on it. It was important to me.
Ayguili returned to the fires chuckling to himself. Well that eased our minds a little if not stroking our curiosity a good bit. I offered him that fresh kettle of blackwine and he was all too ready for it by then. His first words were that I looked better than I did the night before but in a nice way that made me smile. I lied. I told him I was fine, healthy as a bosk. Dang it Cana stood up, stretched and said it was late, she was tired and she was going to retire to her wagons. She lied too.

He went straight to the point. He had been worried. That was truth because I had seen it in his eyes even if I could not have felt it deep inside. He said he had been scared. That is not an easy thing for a warrior to admit. I don't mince words, you know that straightforward kind of girl that raises a brow and sometimes singes your hide. The conversation was pretty much like we were talking of branding or having watched the ironworkers. Facts … just the facts ma'am. I hadn't had the chance to tell him that I had never held a connection that long and there was no time like that moment. He shot right back with what was on both our minds. Was that going to happen every time we held hands? I dug down in the basket I had been carrying around all day for the fruit pastries Grandmother made me make. I sounded very confident when I told him not every time, just when there is something buried so deep. Truthfully, I had no idea but there is a major difference between knowing and hoping. I handed him my hopes. He sat closer to ask me if I had taken the breath and I assured him that I hadn't. It was part of the winds where it belonged. It was not meant for me and as I had told him the night before ... it had not been his.
It was all gone, all of the pain that he had held onto for so many years. He said he felt new.

There was that one moment that I could latch onto and hold tight. Tell me, tell me now of this ... new. It was a demand, a plea and a quiet cry inside all at the same time. I listened with a growing smile as he spoke of being at peace, of no longer walking between worlds. The world of the past and the world of the present. I'd been so careful not to touch anyone especially him through out the day but now the first part of my fingers slid between his.

I had to tell him that my future as a Haruspex would be to walk between worlds to go there on my own with a will to return. I would bring back knowledges of all that I saw and felt there. As much as he needed me to know the past, I needed him to understand the future. His words soothed places that had held worry and concern for me. As I learned these things, as I did these things... he would be here waiting for me. My studies would come first. I had been adamant from the beginning and much like so many of my other beliefs and ideals; I stood strong on the subject. I would need to learn to be better able to withstand ... It would be easier to return knowing that there was someone waiting for me.

Sometimes being close to him seems like the plains spin very fast and it leaves me a little breathless and dizzy. Look at what just holding his hand had been like. I guess he surprised me when he told me it was like that for him too and that everything else just seemed to fade away. He made no promise that was ever going to stop. He wasn't going to rush me and I was thankful for that promise. I wanted, needed him to understand that I knew he held a position much too important for everyone else to fade away. I would be there when they were all sated and pleased to turn him loose.

While we talked about Grandmother making me make him fruit pastries, I checked n the old lumps my family had given him and the new ones too. The last one he got for calling verr stupid. Verr are not stupid and I sat back wanting to add another new one there. He grunted that they were not bosk. Well of course not. Verr are not bosk. Bosk aren't verr either but there were lessons the verr could teach that the bosk do not. He wanted to know what those were. He was going to have to ask the verr but I promised to take him through the herds one day and he would see. He said the verr hadn't started speaking to him yet. Well of course they hadn't, they had Grandmother do that.

Speaking of the little woman, he thought it best to get me back to my wagon before it got late. His head was hard but not hard enough to withstand my being late two nights in a row.

We walked through the lanes hand in hand with our arms swinging to some tune neither of us were humming out loud. It was just a really nice moment.

Element of Surprise

Cognition is not an element of mental action, nor even in any real sense of the word an aspect of it, the distinction of cognition and conation has if properly defined a definite value.Samuel Alexander

On the surface, things of the world may appear to be so complex and disorderly that it seems they have no relation to one another whatsoever. However, it is believed that everything is actually interrelated, and that all things are determined by order and laws. Ancients of our people discovered a law that determines the interrelationships and invisible order of all things in the world. To study the environment, five elements are used to achieve harmony and balance in any space. These elements are: wood, fire, earth, metal and water. Each of these elements have their own characteristics and properties. They constitute all things on earth. This same practice goes far beyond this. With the theory of Five Elements, we are able to explain the corresponding relationships between heaven, earth and humans.

The element of metal corresponds to the direction of west, the season of fall, and the color white and sometimes gold. It is associated with coolness and expiration, similar to when the sun sets in the west. It is our adult lives, and the representation of the lungs, the skin and the colon. Its expression is grief and sadness. The flavor of it is spicy. The selective positives of metal are inspiration, respect, meaningfulness, endurance and self esteem.

These were the beginning of my studies as well as my own personal reasons for finding balance in the physical world around me. To say this was what Fonce was teaching me is a misrepresentation on my part though it went hand in hand well with his guidance and meditations. I was unshielded; open to everything and everyone I was exposed to. To hear them, to feel them was confusing, frustrating and draining.

It all began with my watching Pacu practicing with his bow and noticing the point of his arrow. I needed to understand how the arrow continued its path despite the friction it encountered. I needed to understand the properties of its make up. The arrow’s point would be the point where I began this journey of understanding.

Metal.

Fonce had given me direction, and Ayguili had been a great help in tangible ways, showing me how it was formed by the fires, the air and water. The metal workers explained its origins in the dirt itself, and how it came to be what we see.

I was avoiding Ayguili, however. I had not processed everything that had happened the night at the stream and I knew too that he would ask more questions than I had answers to. I wasn’t even sure if I liked him anymore.

The women of the tribe occupied the fires the next night so I pulled up a fur to join them. As usual, the various subjects that wove their way through conversations could be about anything. Asria asked about water. Like my quest with metal, she wanted to know its connection to people. Somehow everything took a unique tangent.

Cana explained that to her water was the one of the most powerful and important of the elements. Asria agreed then added that it could conquer even the strongest of them. Tarra said that before that was decided to make sure we understood that. Asria told her that no one was making decisions, we were just talking. Cana said she guessed each was as important as another but she had given water more thought. Tarra backed her up in that though made sure we understood all five were important to every day life. It was here my elder looked to me and asked if I knew what was important to water, and why as an element it was important. I told her that it was ever changing effortlessly yet it still retains its originality. We are made of water in great degree, it rules our body. It rules our emotions. It rules our health. She said it ‘was’ emotion. I did not agree or disagree there but listened to what each of the other women had to say.

Cana added that it gave us life. Asria in her way said it could destroy life as well. I suspected there was something deeper to her original question and that may well be the hinge to it. Tarra added it is our subconscious mind, our intuition, the mystery of ourselves. It is the essence of love. It is constantly changing, it can be gentle, and easing into and around everything it can also rise suddenly into a raging force. She told us we were all right, but there was one thing that we had to understand of water, it meant to dare. Now that shook a few synapses to be truthful and I put it away to sort through at another time.

Much of the rest would probably be boring to some but we were all fascinated, intrigued and full of ideas and questions. It was quite a lively discussion. Tarra finally asked us if we knew what the five elements were. Cana was the one to speak up, she said fire, earth, water, metal and wood, right? That was the point that I became confused. The elder Haruspex said, “No.” Metal was not an elemental element, it is an element in another way ... wood is not elemental but each was important.

Now I wanted to know what the five she was talking about were since obviously my answer would have been the same as Cana’s. I groaned inwardly as I got hit with a question as answer to a question. Tell me, what they are Mezoo? Sky, If I knew what was inside her head I would not have had to ask. I cannot read thoughts and glad most cannot read mine. The mutter there internally would not have been lady like. She did help me along by naming fire, earth and water ... and??? This was where I explained that my studies have been those that Cana just spoke of but Tarra had said they were not what she was looking for. Okay so I knew the basics : Wind, fire, earth and water are the four elemental elements. What was the fifth she spoke about? Again she answered with a question … what surrounds everything to protect and guide? She even offered a clue there that I was still trying to wrap my head around … we each have it within us. Each of the women gave their own answer and I felt so completely naïve and ignorant that my shoulders fell.

Spirit

Soul

Heart

Love

Correct ... an eternal circle of love, heart, soul and all we are.

I was now distracted from my original quest in search of this new element.

(Reiki is a technique of opening yourself up to channel the Universal Life Force energy in order to help facilitate healing for yourself and others.)

To Face the Walls of Turia

or one little Grandmother

Sweet embrace keep on burning
carry me home to see my kin
singing songs about the plains land
I miss my family once again
I think I've sinned ... yes
(The slaughter of an American Favorite simply for my own pleasure)

Inside the inky darkness there was frenzy, mayhem and chaos to sort through so many emotions and feelings all unfiltered, undiluted. I was sorting through them all in such a worried confused state I could not reach the light and everything on the other side was coming through in snatches of light and sound. Ooooh, cute dimpled butt, long sleek sexy masculine back muscles that I don't remember the name of ... wait .. scratch that. Catch must be thinking of bath boys again. I felt the world jostle like a wagon wheel in a rut then warm comfort. He was carrying me and I would not know it. I would not see the pained look of fear and concern that stretched across his brow nor the demanding strides that made distance from one place in time to another peel itself away beneath his boots.

There would be little idea of the battles being waged outside the state of semi-consciousness. Only time would be able to pick the pieces up and put them together to have any understanding later of how well I was loved and cared for that night in four part harmony. When Ayguili entered the languid atmosphere of Grandmother's wagons the night came alive.

It would be Oren that met him first motioning to my wagon. There he would ease me to my furs though I can vaguely remember the touch of his fingers against my forehead. It was what summoned me from the harried shuffle of putting things where they belonged in the darkness. Through the slit of my eyes as I stirred I could see my grandmother ushering him back toward the flap at pretty much the same time he met one of my bowls as he tried to re-enter the wagon to reach me. The sound of solid impact began to shake the last of the vestiges away. Apparently my brother had come to uphold my honor. I supposed it would have been humorous to hear Ayguili use the same nickname for Pacu as Father did over the years. Dammit!

The last thing I remembered was the man I had grown to like so much .. like like, you know, releasing a tainted breath and the feel of his lungs as he captured new air. And then I left him. Was he alright? Trying to scramble from my furs to see, I met the great barrier wall of .. Grandmother. My voice carried no weight from its resting place far away. I was reaching for him.

Ayguili.

How soft and delicate my Mother sounded in her reassurance that I would be seen to and if there were any change, the warrior would be first to know. "I will stay" He was not going to be deterred and his tone held resonant volume to it. Pacu was still fuming beneath the surface and bowing up for another run at the intruder until he heard his name. I truly wish I had seen the "Oh dung chips" look on my brother's face. It would explain why the next day he kept muttering to himself ... I'm gonna die .. I'm gonna die. Mother may have sent him back to the stream for Fonce' kaiila but I suspect it was a way for him to save face.

Grandmother had dampened and cooled my brow while hearing the rasped explanation from me of what had happened. Could she not understand? I think she did though there was still that furrow across her brow even when she conceded to let him know I was safe and sound and asking for someone. Ayguili did not care how far he had to go to find them, he would get who ever I wanted or needed to speak to. Could you just hear my little Grandmother ask him then who or what was an Ayguili? I wish I could have seen him in that moment and not just heard him stand at his name and acknowledge that he was indeed the one I had asked for. If you think Oren of the verr herders stood aside and let him in, you would be mistaken. She bit his ear when she admonished him as if he were a smooth cheeked boy. He should have come before this .. shouldn't he? She told him she had few breaths left and was not going to waste them by repeating herself .. he would come for a meal. She didn't ask him, she told him he would. He agreed whole hearted and said to let him know when. Undaunted Grandmother simply told him that it depended on whether he was actually going to stand there all night if so then he would be there for morning meal then he could see to the bosk. Sky bless him and his stubborn streak, he said if that was what it took, then so be it.

It is not often that Mother speaks up and even more rare for it to be in opposition to the matriarch of our family. There was a poise and grace to her as she touched his sleeve and said perhaps after he rested and washed up. She was guiding him away from the fires without his even realizing it .. for a moment ... then he dug in his heels.

Wait! She will be alright?

Who?

If I did not know any better I would have sworn I saw mischief brewing in my Grandmother's eyes there.

Mezoo. Can I at the very least look through the flaps at her?

You can see her tomorrow. You have that much patience do you not?

He probably could have picked the woman up and shook her by then and I have to say I was plotting my escape past her calves if I got an opportunity.

Woman, I will wait until the walls of Turia fall down from from old age, if that is how long it takes me to see her beautiful face and to know she is well.

Grandmother and Mother shared this look between them that perhaps only women could translate. It was enough to draw their attention and I could fold the flap back and break the silence.

Ayguili

He was ready to bound up the stairs to the platform when Grandmother stuck her cane across the steps as a barrier. He slid passed her to the side of the wagon and I could reach through the rails to touch his sleeve. The rush of words between us overlapped similar thoughts, similar emotions. Quiet nothings that held so much they leaked the importance in whispered breaths. It was all too hurried before Oren's cane rattled and she cleared her throat.

He bid them farewell for the night then stopped and turned around. How handsome he was in the light of the moons tugging his tunic smooth and straightening his shoulders. He told them he had spoken to Fonce of getting to know me better and that his intentions were honorable. He was now asking the same of them. Not a bad speech for a man with a bruised jaw and a lump on his shin and one to match on the back of his head, don't you think? Oh you could just hear Grandmother about to wind up and set into him again about how late he had brought me home but Mother quietly said that would be nice .. a more appropriate time perhaps .. day light preferably. Grandmother clucked her tongue and had last say ... after he saw to the bosk and then he could spend a day with her.

I sat against the canvas of my wagon holding my hand close to my chest putting the whole night together ... smiling then I heard Grandmother tell Mother before she retired to her wagon.

He seems like a nice boy.

(By the way, there were no aquatic animals harmed or endangered in the creation of this scene.)

Stream of conscienceness

Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?' But conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular but because conscience tells one it is right.” Martin Luther King, Jr

It was the right place, the right time, where everything went all wrong and ... right.

The peacefulness of the night ride found mine and the borrowed kaiila, Gevalia's way to the stream. I am not a woman to take an easy route through life, preferring to navigate the slopes if need be to get where I want or need to be. The taloned claws of the gray bit the side of the embankment as we headed for the level of the stream itself. There were just those quiet sounds of nature surrounding us until the paws found the water. The added splash told the gait was even and in no hurry.

I think I heard him at almost the same time I saw him lift his hand and call my name. Maybe it was the spread of his smile in the moonlight; I kicked my heels in to set the kaiila to a run. I bore down on him with torrents of water spraying up behind the animal. At the point I was almost on top of him, I leaned down holding out my hand and all in one fluid motion caught his as he swung up into the saddle behind me.

Is this any way to treat your Ubar?

The flick of leather straps and a new tap of my heel in the stirrup would urge us harder and faster along the shoals of the streambed. He would either hold on or topple off. Somehow, I had faith he was up for the ride.

Would you wish anything different?

Not at all.

As the animal stretched out in the wind I felt his touch ease around me to take the reins and my grasp eased so that he held control of the reins, control of this particular slice of time. I lifted my face up into the light of the moon, into the breeze, to inhale the moment. There is nothing like the wide open feel of the plains and adding the beauty of the stream touched by the moonlight can be breathtaking. The length of his long legs wrapped around mine and the sheer forward motion of our speed pressed me against his chest, and I marveled at how natural it felt, how the world around us slowed until it simply no longer existed. Perhaps he felt it too and began to slow our race against the plains, perhaps the inevitables. His breath was warm and soothing along the side of my cheek, warming the outer shell of my ear and those delicate inner places a woman keeps reserved. I wonder if this still falls under the rules of my getting to know you at the fires?

We jested of possible answers that stretched the margins of truth without breaking it. I'd saved him from a runaway kaiila or vice versa. Perhaps one or both of us deserved reward for our heroics. All that I knew to say in answer was that we had the night. Consciensious woman that I am, I offered to return him to the camp to save his honor. We didn't return right that ehn instead he guided the kaiila up the bank, slowing her gait to simply walk alongside the meandering waters.

Whenever you take a step forward, you are bound to disturb something. You disturb the air as you go forward; you disturb the dust, the ground. You trample upon things. When a whole society moves forward, this trampling is on a much bigger scale; and each thing that you disturb, each vested interest which you want to remove, stands as an obstacle.
-Mahatma Gandhi

There is very little, he said, that he find more beautiful than the night sky but that recently he had found something that rivals it. There was a beckoning in his tone, in the way his chest rose and fell behind me that turned my head and the vista of the night was all there painted on his scars and his features. You are beautiful, so delicate but still strong. How hard it was to tear my gaze from his and motion to the heavens above us. The stars were bright and clear with a full softness around them that created luminescent halos. I wanted to share them with him. It simply felt unfair that he not see what I saw. In that one segment of time and place I wanted him to see what I saw and I wanted it to be the same sky.

His nearness set my blood surging through me, brightening my cheeks with aggregate hues of warmth. His mouth so close to mine that I could taste his breath and my eyes closed in anticipation of their first touch to mine. I do not possess the ability to describe that next moment as the plains themselves inclined on their axis and even the shadows in his eyes changed their course. Distance. It sliced through everything with such crafted precision that it lay the whole night gaping open deep and wide.It permeated the breeze surrounding us and it took everything I had within me to hold onto the slope I was sliding uncontrollably down. He slid from the kaiila, holding his hand out for me to dismount with him then stepped back once he was assured I had my footing. Did I?

Self-recognition is necessary to know one's road, but, knowing the road, the price of the mistakes and perils is worth paying. The following of that road will be all the discipline one needs. Discipline does not mean being molded by outside forces, but sticking to one's road against the forces that would deflect or bury the soul. People speak of finding one’s niche in the world. Society, as we have seen, is one vast conspiracy for carving one into the kind of statue it likes, and then placing it in the most convenient niche it has.
-Randolph Bourne

There is something I must tell you.

This was not news to me. He had mentioned this time would come. Query and assurance came with as little effort as it took to reach out and feel my palm meet his. All he wished to share of what troubled him so, I had promised I would hear and I would. I held his hand and I listened. I heard all of what he held inside over the past decade. It came rushing to the surface, infections bleeding their way from the depths.There was a connection on a level that was beyond all I had ever experienced.

If I were a different woman I am sure I would have washed this wound clean with understanding, disinfected it with forgiveness nd bandaged it all in tender professions of love and adoration that would heal and leave no scar. I wasn't a different woman. All that I had just heard and all that I had just seen inside the vision of moment and all that I had ...

felt ...

grayed

the edges of my staunch defenses of right and wrong. It made me accomplice after the fact in the very knowing.
My inability to channel these things into a reservoir safety of apathy and detachment overloaded the virtues of my ideals.

And everything just went ...

black.

Strong but a little flexible

There are the verr and the wool, studies among the clan, responsibilities to family and a circle of personal wagons that go with the everyday journey to the first fires. I have no complaint in any of this, it is just that I live a very real and busy life. Sometimes I am called away from what I may prefer to be doing to see to something else. It was this way with the women that day.

By the time I returned, Yamak was just leaving. No doubt to tend to the very real things in her life as well. There are moments I forget to see beyond my own wishes and almost take it personal when people leave just as I arrive. It is perhaps because there are many that seem to do that ... just walk away. Often we do not take time to see a bigger picture.

There was confession to Tarra that I regretted not having had more time to talk to the leather worker. She was reassuring when she said she thought there would be lots of opportunities. I hoped so, honestly. There were many among the first wagons that were becoming my friends and many I had real hope could be.

Ayguili joined us at the fires and handed me a small metal disc, a blend of two metals that made it both stronger yet pliable. It held the more subtle colors of the fire in it ... the burnished reds and oranges and picked up light in streaks of golds and yellows. It was then that Tarra withdrew suddenly or it seemed sudden to me, saying something about extra wheels. Ayg tried to talk her into staying and I wanted to show her the piece because, well it had meant something very profound to me and I wanted to share it with her. In the end we both could understand having other responsibilities to see to and wished her well.

It was as if there had not been the passage of a whole day since we last spoke, he and I. The conversation picked up right where it had left off. I wanted to know the rest of the answer ... why it was no different than people? His explanation was so clear and concise that I had to smile as it sunk right in. I had some similar thoughts to add and it sparked altogether new conversations. He relaxed and I felt a surge of energy. It is the way of us I think and even that launched a new discussion. I told him Also had said I was peace and that he was in some ways like that to me ... Also was. When I talked with the boy or was just around him, it felt like that calm right before sleep. When he told me he agreed with Also, that he got a sense of peace and of wisdom from me, it felt good to hear. So many tests and interviews for both clan and the first fires that sometimes I just felt like I didn't know anything that anyone thought I should know and no one except this warrior really wanted to know what I did know. Here was where I confided that he .. this warrior was different to me. His question just felt right at that moment.

What am I?

He was adrenaline to me, he set all of my synapses to firing. He filled my head and made me want to ask more questions than the questions I already had to ask. When we talk I learn more from him than even the answers he gives and that all just brings something else I want to talk about with him. And so on it goes. The circle seemed to close in on itself with all of it contained inside and flashing wonderful tones of fire and deep emotions when he told me it was the same for him.

We both speak to many because we have to or it is expected or their is a need but together it was simply a joy. At first I didn't understand his next statement, he hoped we would always be able to talk this way. I couldn't understand why we wouldn't .. it is what friends do, isn't it?

Asria came to sit with us and the topics veered into all new wagon rows of talk. Somehow we went from no one being strong enough or good enough provider for her in my mind to the subject of how many women a man would need to fill his wagons.I really think Ayg was just trying to test our feathers and see how ruffled he could get them. Soft little pieces of fluff a man could have dozens of but a real tuchuk woman with mind and spirit? I have seen many men struggle handling one and said so too. Why not two or more warriors for every tribeswoman. I had heard Mother and Grandmother talk among their friends about needing one warrior that was good at providing, one was good at saying the right things at the right time, one that could rock the wagon wheels and another than was around long enough to fix it too.Didn't tell them the last part but now I was definitely curious. Ayg sidestepped there and just repeated his question for Cana's benefit when she arrived. She had such a delicate little smile that did not say any of the same thing the fire in her eyes spoke volumes of. She said she already had a name for her mate's next mate. She could reside in the fifth wagon and be known as .. dead. Being the good Tuchuk woman I was I offered my own opinions in there, because that is what friends are for. I thought mate number two should live beneath the last wagon wheel maybe draped in lengths of chains. I so like Cana when she is being all spirited. She pressed the warrior and he finally admitted he was not in favor of that, personally.

Not to be confused if he meant about the two warriors part or the lengths of chains, I asked outright. 'Neither,' was his answer and he proceeded to fill in more of his thoughts there. He believed when two people make a commitment to become one, that was how it should stay .. besides he was a jealous bastard. I was laughing but I heard the things he said and maybe some of the things he didn't. I wanted to hear those too so I tossed in the tease of 'no having two warriors then'? How emphatic could the one word .. 'no" be? I liked it, I rolled it around on my tongue the same way the small disc danced across my fingers while I worried it. When it came time to take a mate, he would cleave only to her and would expect the same. I do not know how many heard the last of my thoughts on the subject because I grew quiet after adding softly. It was how it should be.

The warrior leaned over to tell me he could have the metal smiths put a hole in it so that I could wear it but I would not have that. Absolutely not! They could wrap a wire around it but the integrity of the piece was not going to be altered.

Sometimes when he and I talk it is as if there are no others beneath the stars .. just he and I. We do not realize there is a whole world right there next to us until someone asks ...

Isn't that right Mezoo?

It certainly felt that way but umm .. what were you talking about?

Impressions

I came across Tarra the next day working on something for Seveya's ceremony and we fell into an enjoyable conversation. I asked if the calves had been finished being branded and I asked about Yamak too. I told her how impressed I had been with the woman's skills at leaving marks that it took me longer. My elder said it was my first also but time would work its magic. It made me feel a lot better. The leather worker showed up about the same time and Tarra asked her how she was feeling. It was good to see her up and moving. Would I have been if I had been kicked in the ribs by a bosk? Yamak said she was sore but she still had her eyes. I think that made Tarra and I both blink and says whuu?? at the same time. Tarra doesn't mince words or thoughts, she just says what is on her mind. I admire that in a way. It isn't me, not that direct anyway but it suits her well. She just jumped right in there with the question that was going through my head too. Now, why would she say have lost her eyes? It was a prospect joke. Thank bosk there. The Haruspex said she hadn't really taken any in a long time. Okay, grease Mezoo's wagon wheel and give it a push to see how it rolls, I wanted to know what the witch did with them. Stoke up the conspiracy theory with a nod of two Haruspex and mysterious non smiling smiles between us she said she kept them in a jar on the shelf. Yamak didn't bite quite as well as hoped. Oh well.

The two women fell into a conversation of their own of things Yamak had accomplished, projects, missions, maybe a few life experiences, etc. It was her moment there so I studied the fires the way I usually do. The thing about eyes was a source of curiosity so she brought it up again and Tarra confided that she had once been mated to a Mamba, a cannibal. That didn't strike me so odd. If you have ever been even close to Aunt's wagons you would understand. The leather worker asked about the jungles so the Haruspex began to explain that Mamba had taught her the meaning of love when she had no faith in it. Ask me, he sounded much like a man of the Tribe. Now the leather worker had a hundred questions about the places Tarra had been while I sat back quietly listening and learning. Yes, Tarra had visited other places but felt there was no more beautiful place than the plains. Here was where her heart felt pulled. She said nothing compared. The other young woman she didn't think she would be happy anywhere else and Tarra gave that validation by telling us that she was never truly happy until she was able to return. These were the same passioned beliefs I grew up with, that I have always heard from my family, from those around our wagons. I finally told them I had never been anywhere but here, that I had heard of places I would probably never go.

It was a surprise in a way to hear Tarra say she was thankful for the things she had seen, learned and even some of the things she had experienced. The touch of smile conveyed as much as what could be heard inside her there. The pain of being torn from the plains was not something she wished to repeat. My heart went out to her at that moment. I could respect her feelings and her decision. In turn she reached out to touch mine as she explained how they ... those that did not live here had tried to teach her to be like them. She said she had failed. I have never known her to admit failure before and if this was something she could not do as strong a woman as she is. I have no hope that I would be able to rise to the occasion. I did not want to was the bottom line. Through it all I listened as she spoke. Tarra said the sad thing was when you are different and they do not understand, they can be very cruel. NO, not all of "them" but still ... There is good and bad everywhere. I loved the smile I saw there on her face. I could feel it run deep inside me, warm, exhilarating and yet calm at the same time.

What did she say? She said here was where she was destined to be. It was part of her. That seemed to stand on its own as if it had no weight to drag it down. It held.

I wanted to ask, I needed to ask and I did .. Those ... not here ... would they expect a Tuchuk ... NOT to be who and what they were by our own nature? Yamak mentioned merchants about that time and we all nodded and, shuddered and you could see the urge in all of us to spit three times to ward off the evil there. Tarra filled in a lot of the blanks there when she said dwellers had bizarre ways and idea. They tended to be fixated on material things. They lacked the fresh air like we had here, their enclosures did not afford them the exercise we have of stretching out to the canyons and up toward the sky. I thought they sounded fat and lazy and they probably ate all kinds of strange things too. Well if you ask me it sounded like they were,everyone I had ever talked to said the same things. Now back to merchants .. Tarra said she wouldn't trust one any further than she could throw one. Wager time! I figured we could get distance with the skinny ones and bounce-ability out of the fat ones. It was agreed, next caravan we would play winner gets the eyes. The bones could be useful and I said leave the jewels right where they were. That made Tarra all curious. Curiosity makes her all soft and vulnerable in appearance. It is very becoming on her. I touched briefly on remembering a merchant when I was young. Not a nice man. He was all bony with these long narrow fingers and a huge jewel encrusted ring that pointed at me. I could see using the tapered nail on that finger as a back scratcher or maybe give it to Asria to paint with.

Yamak asked about a woman that came to the stream, one that said she was tribe, family of the first fires. She was supposed to be some connection to Tehran or maybe it was Tayran. It was agreed among us all that if she left the plains she would have to earn her way back. Yamk said the woman was arrogant. Now there is a difference in arrogances. One holds the pride of being part of the Tribe, holding our ways sacred and the other one is for oneself. I would form my own opinion when the time came. There is still strength in knowing what others had seen or felt wasn't there? The leather worker said she would be very upset if the woman didn't have to work or earn her way. I couldn't say much. I haven't been accepted myself among the first fires. That sparked her concern and the offerings of encouragement not to give up. I had to chuckle to myself. It was not a matter of whether I thought I was going to or not ... my time had not come. Tarra said my way was challenged so that I could not only find myself but show the Tribe I was strong enough to survive. There was that tiny bit of something touching there in her smile when she corrected me .. my time had not yet come.

There are wisdoms we can find in each other and especially of the elders and we can choose to grasp hold of it if we wish. She said the day we stop learning is the day we ride the sky. We are always learnin, changing, finding ourselves. It is a constant ongoing thing for each of us and for all of us as a whole. Just because we get older, doesn't mean we know everything of ourselves. There is always a new stage in our lives to go through and embrace. She is a wise woman.

I sat back with the importance of those words while the other two made plans for Seveya's ringing. Perhaps I should have jumped in the mix of it all but the morning had made a vast impression on me and I just needed to absorb it all.

By Fire

True strength comes in learning just what properties to combine together to make something stronger.

Kissing ... with a heavy emphasis on "the very first kiss", had become the tidbit the women bounced around. Could they not find something a little less personal to talk about? I hung back rather than join in. When I did, it was only marginally here and there not revealing any of my own experience or inexperience. The most I added was that a woman's toes can curl even if he is not "the" one. They were talking about emotions and I was talking about skills. Boy gotta have some skills, you know, but cut a girl some slack here ladies ... the Warrior was standing right there for sky sake. I didn't want to talk about what may or may not have happened with another warrior in front of a warrior that although it hadn't happened yet ... it may or may not happen ... with! He turned out to be my hero when it dawned on him how uncomfortable I was with the conversation and he swooped in on his bright shining kaiila to sweep me away. No, not really, he just said, "Come on Mezoo, We'll go see if the brands have been tended to."

It was easy to fall in stride next to him just maybe not in sync yet. He adjusted his pace to accommodate mine and I tried to hurry mine to keep up with his. It eventually blended as we began talking. The man had been up early to see to many of the bosk personally, hadn't he? His answer wasn't the typical male response one would expect but it was him to a lance point. He got up early so he could put his finger on the pulse of the camp. He walks around, has his blackwine at the different fires and tries to see what people have on their minds. I told him there must be much on everyone's minds. I wasn't trying to be vague there but actually very specific. It was good that he listened and took their words to heart and I felt he needed to hear someone say it. There went a typical Tuchuk male reply again. He felt it was his duty then asked what it was I had on my mind. If I had thought about it, this was the first time that what he spoke was not the same as what I heard on the inside. Now here is where female Tuchuk is not so typical or at least this particular female. I thought it was more than just duty, it was part of who he was. It was the first time I reached out and my fingers touched his arm briefly then let them fall away.

"Metal"

What??? ... he asked so I told him. Metal. It was what was on my mind.

"Metal?"

His wisdoms on many subjects had begun to intrigue me. They have from the very start to be honest. I listened closely as he began telling me about some of the properties of the element. Metal for us, is almost as precious as wood. Some metals are stronger than others are, some get their strength from how long they are left in the fire then they are strengthened more by the cooling in the water or the air. Oh now he had just mentioned more than one of the elements I was studying, in fact all of them. I was all ears. I confessed that it was where they fit together that I hadn't grasped yet, where one depended on another. He said we all wonder such things. That made me smile to think there was another person that searched for answers of how the world around us shapes itself. He said too that it sometimes takes more than one thing to make something stronger.

I hadn't realized his hand had found a home at the small of my back until there was that one moment where I needed to stir away from it. The reluctance to break the connection stirred over my skin leaving me feeling cool even though I was standing right next to a fire. It gave me goose bumps. But back to the subject, I knew that combinations of metals can be for both tensile strength and to soften them too, to make it more pliable sometimes. I bent closer to watch a rasp file along the edge of the brand and how it created the detailed line then studied how the sizzle of the metal filled the air when it was placed back in the flames. Combinations are good, he told me, but what he said next made me look up. It was more than the distance from the fire to his face, it was a defining moment where I truly looked up to him as a leader of men. He said true strength comes in learning just what properties to combine together to make something stronger. It takes both."

I was finding more and more interesting as I listened to the warrior as well as the metalworkers offer pride of their work and bits of learning that would help me understand. I was listening to what they were saying and how they were saying it all as well. The men had a growing respect for this warrior. He was hands on, ears tuned, mind open and he didn't even realize that everyone around him was like me ... riveted, still and holding to every word he said. He was listening to them and he heard them, and all the important things that they had to say and they were pouring it all out and at the same time soaking it all up.

"And once you get the right mix of pliable and strength, then you file away the rough edges to make it where it leaves the cleanest mark."

Yes, I begin to see. Like flashes of energy the whole thought process of what I was learning and how it all correlated together played on my face and I realized he was standing there watching it all with an insatiable curiosity. We were wading into deeper waters, treading new grounds and venturing to take risks in the exploration. He thought for a moment and added tentatively.. "It is no different than people."

THERE ... there was the hinge, the connector as solid as if it were formed of the elements we had been talking about ... the answer to an exam test, the anchor the universe is written on. I laid the branding iron I was holding back into the fire, stood up and glanced back to where the others were gathering franticly. I touched his arm to motion. Was it my answer to his statement ... the connection of element and people?

He excused himself saying it looked as if someone had been injured and he hurried back the way we came. There in that one moment he was unguarded, unshielded, exposed ... he felt a responsibility for all of his people and having one hurt did not sit well.

I was right behind him.

To leave a mark

... And I've looked over, and I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land.


Fires began to dot the plains early that day. Groupings each specific for the task they were set to mottled the surface in writhing masses of human beings and animals. It was good to see the tangible evidence of a vision, a hope a wish for the Tribe of peace and prosperity. Not even one felt the hard work unjustly due to reap the favor of the sky. We would all put our hand to marking the new calves, to making the abundance the plains offered ... ours. How could we in good faith to the bosk, to the plains not accept what has been given us? Not me? I was as eagerly chomping at the bit to be part of all this as the kaiila that Fonce let me borrow was. The gray mare was prancing her heart out. Even she knew it was a special day. It was made more special that with the expanse of new births by the bosk, we women could come and take part in the branding.

I sat in the saddle overlooking the day unfold for only a brief moment but it was filled with so much that it reminded me of my own cheeks as they began to press their way up under my eyes. That is as broad as a smile can get. Cana's oldest son One or Tug as some of the women call him, could be seen corralling a calf as if he had done it all his life and bore the scars for it. Probably has in a few places he isn't likely to brag about and show anyone. Comes with being a plainsman. Sometimes the beast would break away and try to make a run for it. I can't blame them; I would if it were I. The volley of cusses that could scathe the ears of delicate women was enough to make you laugh and decide who to wager on. Laughter has a way of making sweat bead away, salves rope burns and or at the very least, it is an anesthetic to the pain and groan of muscles. Yep, there it was that big grinny kind of grin right before you bare teeth kind of grin.

I must have still had it when I slid off the Gray mare, Gevalia to join others I knew. Yamak had just plied her hand to a brand and was beaming proud and Ayg motioned me over. I asked where they needed me. You have come to try your hand at branding, Mezoo? Less wool than verr. It could be done. I could certainly try. Do you want to help Cana cut the calves from the herd or help us to place the brands? We have plenty of work for everyone. There was a big grin for the woman that called me little sister. It is a good day to be Tuchuk. Would they all say the same later in the day all covered in grime and exhausted? Answer a question with a question why don't you Mezoo? Wherever you need me most?

"I think it is important for all of us to know every aspect of our lives. There is value in a woman learning to brand. Those that do not have men need that knowledge." It is not often you hear such words from a Tuchuk Warrior. As a woman, it was deeply profound. I was so overwhelmed I suppose that I probably sounded very flippant when I replied, "Then I should try my hand as well so I can help Fonce." What I meant was, I was all in. I watched while Yamak set metal to flesh so I would know how it was done. I am one of those ... tell me, show me, then let me try people. I learn very well like that. Use all the peripheral learning tools then hand it over. It is just a tried and true thing. Yamak told me that you had to wait until the metal was white hot before it was ready. There is a piece of important information. I grabbed up an iron and waited for that one moment when the calf held still. Ayguili was telling me how to hold the iron, when the time was just right and the bit of rock to the end while I counted to five that makes the impression crisp. It wasn't as precise and detailed as Yamak's was but the feeling I had was the most powerful thing I had ever felt. I could understand now this need ... this intense urge of men to leave their mark on slaves, on the kaiila, on the bosk. I stood back exhilarated and probably a bit breathless ... Yes!! .. Give me another one! Ayguili's praise and encouragement made me feel like I was on top the cliffs looking down on the plains and they were mine, all mine.

It made the next calf that much easier and the one after as well. I was getting good and felt a pride swell up inside. I would never have to wait for a man to brand the bosk of my family again! I could do it myself, if I had someone to herd it and rope it and hold it down for me anyway.

Cana cut the White bosk from the herd and personally saw him to the fires. Time was of the essence in seeing so many new calves branded but I stopped what I was doing to watch. It was a momentous occasion. She asked him if he was ready and the Ubar stood up and nodded. Cana held him while Ayg saw to the marking. This was something sacred and pure to behold. It was the cracking of an egg that begins a spell. It was magic in the making. I gave my thanks to my ancestors for the blood they shared with me this moment, to be able to stand there and witness something so rare and precious. Ayg was unsure but Cana told him that the bosk was his, that it was believed it was intended for him. When his iron found its mark, I looked up and found his eyes. I said it is a good day a very good day. He said, “It is.” and in a most typical man kind of way said it was time for food then after that we could all continue to work again.

I'd brought water and Mother sent meat chews, other woman came with wagons filled with good things. One of the ORs asked me if Mother had sent some of her pastries too. I laughed trying not to let him down too bad when I said no. He could always stop by the fires and she might have some though. I did check him out for potential Father figure qualities. He might survive Grandmother ... might.

Kaeli was telling Ayg that it was too bad branding didn't come in a more pleasant smell. He quipped back that it was the perfume of prosperity. The more bosk we
brand the richer we are. The Sky has chosen to bless us with many calves this season. Kaeli said as it should in repayment for the ones it took from us on the way North. An odd perception to me and it stayed with me for a while but became lost in the more important tasks still pending. When the women began, talking about the elder Yamak lost, their emotions dampened more than one eye and Ayg decided it was a good time to check on other fires.

Branding is thirst-making work so I left the women went grab a water bota. After taking a good long drink, I stoppered it back and tossed it to Ayguili as he went the other direction. I wandered off during this break to where the metalworkers were sharpening the edges of the brands and began asking many questions about metal. This had been a lesson I had not found grasp on fully so everything was a source of learning.


Upon returning on the tail end of the topic, I canted my head just listening for a while. Cana said she would stop in to see the family of the man and I offered to go with her. I remember how many had come to our fires. It was heart warming. It made me think of Cana too, not that Ba'atar had gone to the skies but that she was in her own time of grief with his absence. People come for a while and try to figure out what is the right or the wrong thing to say then eventually life takes them back where they began. That is when the empty places begin to show, the hollow places someone we loved used to fill.

Charm

Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves
Henri Frédéric Amiel

My fingers wove through the threads fluttering like the wings of a butterfly from years of practice. I molded them from what they once were into what they will be. Charms. Simple in their creation, void of seeds or bits of bone or metal to tame the strength they held. Sabra had come to me wanting to entice good things around her and the warrior that had spoken for her. That was all these were meant to do, to fly and sway in the winds, to stir the energies out of their complacency.

They seemed to be working because in a cloud of dust and wind, Cana rode up from the pens radiating with the brilliance of a smile. When she is like that ... brimming over with life, I wonder to myself if she is one of the good Orisha escaped. We settled into casual conversation between women. I'd noticed how her work with her clan simmered in her eyes and wore itself on the flush of her cheeks the way men do their scars. There was surprise and at the same no surprise whatsoever that she had originally been sent to the healers clan to learn. See, it actually felt very natural to see her as one.

Family became a big part of our discussion, that and Fonce. She listened as I told her how as guardian. Father figure, provider he had stepped in for Mother, Grandmother, Pei and Pacu. Even Tao in his own way.

and you?

Perhaps that is still to raw, too tender that I made a choice. I told her he was a good mentor, patient, thorough with a vast amount of insight, knowledge and experience to offer. He had an understanding and we discussed how lucky I was to have him. Yes, in that I will agree. The man, himself, was a deeper subject I did not delve that night.

How old was she when she first mated? Not like me at all to be so personal, to get so personal but it was there and she scooped it all up tenderly. She gave it a place to be. She told me but had this funny sort of grin when she said perhaps I should have asked how old she was when she fell in love. I was getting to that but didn't think that just coming out but didn't think it was a very good lead i to just up and say .. oh by the way how old were you when you first fell in love? Her answer didn't really surprise me as much as it kind of sunk my shoulders. She was twelve and here I am more than sixteen turnings and don't even know what it is yet. She was quick to pluck gingerly at the festering beneath all that, releasing it slow and skillfully. I ended up telling her that a warrior had asked my guardian for permission to speak to me, to get to know me a little better. She let me tell her in my own way and my own time of my growing admiration for his intellect and how easy it seemed that he and I could just ... talk. I was struck by how she seemed to pick up which warrior without my ever mentioning his name. Yes, she agreed he was a good man. They had not had the smooth introduction I'd been blessed with but time had shown them the better of each other.

Another woman joined us, the mate of an iron worker. She put her son down letting him proudly display his new found freedoms. There was such determination in those awkward toddling steps, you just knew he was a Tuchuk warrior. Those feet had places to go, those hands reaching out to grasp hold of the world around him. Cana swept him up and settled him in my lap like I would know what to do with him. So far I was 1 and 0 with children. Didn't she know the odds on this was not a favorable wager?

Aponi said he had his father's charm. I didn't really hear much of the rest of their conversation. Something about the heartaches that came with love or something or another. I just looked into the depths of those big round orbs looking up at me with expectation .. and the world sort of connected itself. While he pulled my braid, his boot dug a trench on my shin and he covered me in ooey gooey magical candy mush, life began to make sense.

I caught his hands a little more expertly this time speaking low and gently of the strength and power they would one day be able to wield. That one day they could mold or crush all that they held but I reminded him too that not all things were meant to bend. He took in my words, his eyes .. like those of an old soul soaking them up like there was a new found freedom in them. That was when he reached up with those chubby little fingers and grabbed my hair at both sides of my temples. Of course there was that stinging pinch of new growth you have little capability to fight and end up giving into to follow. Talk about ouch!. He blessed me that night. He blessed me with a kiss of parted lip openness ... of innocence. He shared the sweetness of a warrior's heart before it has been broken or known pain .. that and all the slobbery ooze of his candy treat.

I think I began to fall in love that night. Not with a man or the idea of having children .. a family but simply with being a woman. They helped me see that for all of its virtues and vices, it certainly had its charm.