Written on a

I had asked to speak with Fonce before I tried to bridge this chasm between myself and a warrior I barely knew. So I set out to find him. He wasn't at his wagon so I tried the stream. It was where he usually hung out. He wasn't the one I found though. There was Ayguili. He was with Cana, Kaeli, Asria, and Yamka. With them was all the multitudes of different topics that all swayed in the winds the way the grasses do. I tried to defy gravity and the challenges of a slope which was met by the steadying of a strong hand. I was quick to tell him that was two … so he said we were both fortunate then weren't we? One day maybe I will tell him my belief in the balance of two and the power of three.

There is something gratifying about hearing your name called with enthusiasm for merely your presence. Perhaps somewhere in there is validation of a need too. It was easier that night to fall into the stream of conversations. It was about children. Cana's specifically. I'd been very impressed by them and mentioned it along with volunteering that if she needed an extra pair of hands not to hesitate. What she told me stunned me, she said that Also had told her I was peace. Where he got that she didn't know but when she had mentioned my name he had simply said .. peace. It wasn't as much the slippery part of the slope or the aid of the Ubar's hands that made me sit down right then and there. I told her that Also saw far more than most.

Speaking of special children, I told Asria that it had been good seeing Lei cross the fires of the clan. I was very pleased she was feeling better. It was like she drifted out of some daydream to stammer .. thanks and that the girl was nearly back to being herself again. Not even Imke could keep up with the child now but he consoled himself by bringing back with ribbons from omeone he had liked well enough to preen. I felt a slight pang knowing the cocoon was never going to open and something bright and wonderful emerge from it. Then I smiled to myself thinking that it already had.

I do not even want to discuss the conversation that Kaeli brought up about having seen jits on spits over a roasting fire. Imke is much like my own child in many ways. I've had him forever. There are places in the darkness I still am not ready to look. I was so ready for the subject to turn and bless her heart Yamka offered treaty in there when she began talking about having painted her wagon. I told her I wanted to see when she was finished and she promised I could so I was all at peace again.

Everyone had begun talking about not ever wanting to leave the plains or those that had that didn't want a repeat venture when I noticed that Enosh had emerged from the shadows. I left the group with promise to return later but it was not going to be. For that reason I was glad to have turned around on the slope to look down into the little gathering and found I saw them through the dewdrops on an acadia tree, each caught in the web of a grass spider, each glistening in fractal spheres, safe and protected. It was a beautiful sight, truly.

Whether Enosh is tangible or some part of my psyche, I followed him back to the fires of my clan. There is generally someone about there in some form or another so I took a seat on the furs not far away from where one had already taken residence. It was small talk to break the silence there when I told him the glow of the fires had always found home on his scars.

I guess I should have gone straight to whatever point it was I needed to make, to speak of the many things I had on my mind but I didn't. Maybe it was the smirk he had when he finally realized someone or rather which someone was sitting next to him. I told him he was surprised I was there without admitting that it was a surprise to me. He said no but he was pleased I was. He said he had not expected me. What? I looked around for Enosh. He was the one that brought me. I had figured I had been called for a reason, that he, the Haruspex had sent for me. He did say that if he had then it was not consciously done. What a way to stroke a woman's ego! Was there any reason I was in his company besides it being pleasant? There will always be many reasons, some we have talked about briefly but there was nothing wrong that I could think of with ... pleasant. I could stand the quiet of the fires and good company either way.

He had been busy and hadn't rested much. He looked tired and I told him so. He wore it around his eyes. He had taken on more responsibility in taking the new position at Ayguili's right hand. I was pleased for both men actually, knowing they had each other's back. I had yet to tell the new Ubar that if he had any need that I could be of help with then ... I let the rest fade as the other one spoke from his crouch. He said he thought I was telling him in my own way.

We spoke a little about the changes he faced and whether he was adapting to them. He said ‘slowly’ and I nudged that slowly was still acceptance, that was what I kept telling myself anyway. He said his head was empty that night and I countered with the fact that it had been so full for so long that it probably felt light and echoing now. Exactly. A vast emptiness that he said he would like to say was not comfortable but he couldn't. I knew precisely what he was talking about, maybe not on the same scale but there was still empathy. It didn't seem so bad when there was someone that can feel and understand it. The quiet did not scream quite so loud.

I told him not to fear, I would be there to fill part of those thoughts. What are friends for? Eventually I would need to move my wagon forward but for now I walked every day to the first fires and it was sometimes a long journey back to mine in the evenings. He wanted to know if I had spoken to Mother. Here is where it felt like being a kid again. See if you can relate? She said that it would depend on him. He was hoping that the whole family would come forward because Tao was moving forward. Wait, he had discouraged Tao from the first fires. The long story short here, it was left undecided. We spoke a bit about my family and the wish that the boys would step up to be the men that he could envision them to be. I was trying to make him understand they were, just not as he saw them.

Then he wasn't there anymore. I sat for a long time with him, in spirit, waiting. While I sat there I watched the flames dance in their pretty red and amber leathers then looked up to find he was gone, only this time really gone. Inside I was calling out almost in a desperation with far too many emotions on the inside welling up. There was so much I wanted and needed to ask advice about, so much I needed and wanted to talk with him about the first fires, about the clan, about how I felt about meeting this warrior ... all of that and more.

Finally as the chips began to burn low, I realized that I could sit there all night but in the end ... it wasn't written anywhere that he nor anyone else would be there for me ... was it?

Not him, not Tao, not my Father.