Counting ..

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the sky. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of the sky that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson (paraphrased)

"I love people, and I love this tribe and without her people she will wither and weaken. And I am simply me, nothing more. I will let you in on a secret, sometimes when someone calls me Ubara, I cringe a bit. It was not something that I ever aspired to be."

"Do you not see that it is an honor spoken, that there are times that the people need a friend and sometimes they need to be able to look to someone .. something higher. They need to be able to reach the leadership of our Tribe and know .. I mean truly know that it is there."

She allowed that she had not seen it that way, that she did know it was an honor and that at times she feared disappointing people that she cared for. It was not a sage voice that told her that it was the path she walked now and whether she knew it or not she walked it well, not perfect but well. It was the voice of someone that wanted to get to know her much better, someone willing to hear what lay inside a heart and mind and a soul.

We all have fears, this was something we both agreed on as well that having someone to talk to helped. It was my Father I had that connection with and for her it was her Mother. She asked me tentatively if I believed that those that go before us come back in ways to help watch over us .. to guide us? It felt good to share my opinion with her that I think that we never truly leave where there is the intensity of strong emotions. I am Haruspex so I know there are .. forces that have more power, more will and more presence than the body allows. We have within us an energy, perhaps many, that never fade and as long as there is someone we leave behind that holds part of that ... we are in turn part of them. Love is one of those strong forces that holds energy within us, one of many things that burns an image of a memory where we can see it in our mind and in our hearts. IT is not the only one but it is certainly undeniable.

I did confess that another Haruspex had mentioned there would be times I was wrong and my belief here could be. If I ever find that I am then I will seek her to let her know. What I did admit was that we as part of our clan cannot doubt ourselves. That may well apply to all of the Tuchuk, of every clan but it is most important of those in ours ... we must believe. I am not the bold woman that wishes for more that my Aunt Issa was, nor am I the peaceful silence of my Mother. I listen ... I hear the voices that come nearest and follow those that give sage advice. I am not one to give up if I believe that it is right.

I told her that I hear what is inside of her, that it speaks loudly and very proudly of all that she believes in. Sometimes it speaks differently than her words although not far from them. Her heart sometimes told of its sorrows and fears even when she was being strong for others.

It seemed important that I tell her there is always strength in numbers, even when the number is two. One does not have to share but two has a balance.

I wished to meet the children and reached to touch her forehead with the trace of my thumb as we stood. How can I put into words the vision of seeing a Mother's pride worn like a cloak on straightened shoulders as she brought them to me, one by one, the love that shone in her eyes as she introduced each of them.

"One, the first son of Tayco, the oldest."

I reached out to capture the young warrior's hands in mine as I spoke to him. It was indeed a pleasure to meet the great warrior .. One. He would one day hold a proud name and be known among many. I told him I knew of his Father and that he had left a legacy in his son. He held the future in those hands.HE wanted to know if I would tell him more of his Father but I could only answer that I could tell him only what I have heard sung and that it had always been good. I welcomed him to come talk to me anytime he wished ... about all that he had need.

"This is Another One, the son of Lochlan, the scarrer, grandson to Tarra and great grandson to Kamchak. "

I could not help the smile as the little warrior stepped forward with salute. His Father's family goes back as far as the first passings of Turia and I told him he must be very proud. I could see the skies favor of him and told him he wore it well. There was that gentle touch along the top of his ear that faded away as it reached the lobe. There seemed to be no surprise in the youthful features when I told him he already hold stories inside of him. They would be ones that went beyond the songs of the singers or the markings of the year keepers. They were going to be known far and wide. This one too I told my fires would be open to. I hope he will never forget that.

"I think you have seen this one. This is Also One, the first son of Ba'atar and flyer of kites. "

He studied me for a moment then reached out to touch my cheek. His touch lifted my chin and I smiled. In return I pressed two fingers against his mouth so briefly that he would barely feel it. Within the mist of what almost felt like tears I spoke quietly with him.

"I know you. You have wisdoms that few can only imagine. Should the time come that you step forward there will be great prosperity among the people."

How proud I was when the next of the brothers stood forward all of his own thumping his chest as if he had seen many passings to announce ... "I am Two!" Ah, yes, he was courage personified. Where he had rapped his fist, I let the ends of my fingers rest there long enough to feel the power of his pulse. I told him he will lead many victories and know many coups. His scars will one day bear great strength behind them. There will be a time that he would seek me ... I bid him warning ... do not hesitate.

"This is Little Fonce, named for my best friend. "

There is something different in the touch of a woman when it finds the softness of a babe's skin. It is from a place that life begins and she is aware. As she introduced the first of her young daughters, the barest touch of my fingers traced the softness of the little girl's eyelids. I looked up at her Mother for a moment half smiling but there was something deeper in my thoughts as the babe's head cradled in my palm. She will be much like her Mother in heart and wisdom. One word spilled into the air like the whisper of the wind.

"Beauty."

"This one is Little Ba'atar, named after my mate's best friend."

Doesn't everyone predict the future of youth? Sometimes it does not take the sight of a Haruspex to see what tomorrow can hold. There really was no great news to the woman when I told her that this one would be sought by many and with two girls ... half the Ubar's guard would be stationed at their wagons. It was the infant's feet that I caught in my hands and there was more than amusement to watch them disappear inside my grasp. This one had a long journey that would be filled with all that she could see and hear. She would walk it her own way. As if all Tuchuk do not do that.

They were all pieces of the woman standing before me, pieces of her, her heart. Could anyone not see why she is so proud?

We spoke as women, we spoke as Tribe and we spoke of our clans. We spoke of life and beliefs. I told her that I believed life is formed in our first moments even before we are born and we meet our world in lights and sounds that are frightening coming from the darkness but we adapt. She felt I was very wise for one so young, and I told her sometimes I miss being just a girl and at the same time I long for the future and all it will hold of being a woman. There was an allowance for her to see closely both sides, one rising to the surface in place of the other but never quite blending at least not yet. We spoke of the ways of women, our potentials as mates and mothers, not just our work that in the end we will leave behind. For me right now, it was my clan that holds more of my interest than anything. I was not trained from my early years as some so I must work harder to catch up. The looming fact that there had not been a Haruspex accepted among the first fires for a long time was ever present in my thoughts. I felt that pressure where other prospects perhaps did not.

"You are pinks and deep purples, with a bit of white mixed in. "

I had to smile at that and even shift a little where I sat. The purples yes and the whites. I like reds and ambers but I thought there was too much wild within me for very much pink except when I paint Tao's drum then I get it everywhere. She said it was just how she saw me., that she saw colors in everyone. She was actually far more accurate than I was comfortable with. She saw around a person what I hear inside them.

It sparked a very different conversation between us, one that encompassed the very beginnings of our people. Among my clan it is said the first Tuchuk was a seer and because of this there is some small bit of the capability in all of us. She said her clan said pretty much the same except the he was first to tame the kaiila. I could only tell her the first Tuchuk was very busy then and we simply laughed as we envisioned him in all of his glory. Someone had once told her that at one time we were all of the same tribe, Tuchuk, Paravaci, Kassar, dweller and that over the turnings, that tribe began to break up, branches moving off to find their place on this land. I could see that this could be.

I wanted so much for that morning to last far longer than it did. I wanted to hear more, to talk of more with this person that I had grown to respect and admire. We each admitted that we had found a new friend, one we hoped to enjoy for a long time. I counted my blessings for having met her and having her become a part of my life. The sky smiles, I can feel it.

I think she knew that my strength was fading, the earlier part of the morning taking its toll. As I rose to bid her farewell, Rook crossed the fires to rest his palm beneath my elbow. I was not so proud a woman not to accept the steadying of his grasp.

Before I left I sought the woman's eyes so she would understand the solemness of my promise to her.

Take care of herself and the children ... they would all be
safe and well.